Ex-boyfriends always seem to have a way of showing up in your life when you’re least expecting them.
After weeks, maybe even months of non-communication, they’ll suddenly slide into your DM’s or call you “just to talk.”
Most of the time, these interactions will leave your head spinning.
What does it mean? Why is he calling, and why now? And — probably the most important question — where could this possibly be going?
You could ask your friends these questions. But chances are that they aren’t going to react well if you suddenly drop, “My ex boyfriend and I are talking again” on them.
At best, you’re probably going to endure a few eye rolls or sighs of exasperation.
At worst, some of your friends are going to be mad that you’re talking with your ex — especially if your breakup was a particularly bad one.
But can you can blame them? They’re the ones who spent long nights nursing you back from the trauma of your last breakup.
And now they’re worried he’s just going to rip open your freshly healed scars and hurt you all over again.
Of course, they’re not the only ones afraid that you’re going to get hurt again. It’s also one of your biggest fears, too.
In this article, we’ll give you eight questions to ask yourself about why your ex-boyfriend is talking to you again.
We’ll also lead you through some reasons why it may be okay or even a good thing to continue talking to your ex, as well as some situations where you would be better off closing the door altogether on your past and on this man.
8 Questions You Need to Ask Yourself
So, now that you’ve had a few conversations or texts with your boyfriend, you’re probably feeling just about every emotion in the book — from happy to scared to anxious to hopeful.
But before you allow this relationship to progress any further, you need to understand what your ex-boyfriend’s motivations may be for reconnecting with you.
To do that, start by asking yourself these 8 questions:
1. Is he lonely and in need of a friend?
When your ex-boyfriend calls, does he tell you that he really misses talking with you?
Well, the truth is he probably does.
Whether you were living together or dating exclusively, you and your ex probably spent a good chunk of your waking hours together.
But now that you’re talking again, you need to learn from your ex-boyfriend the real reason why he misses you.
Does he miss you as a lover? As a friend? Or, maybe even, both?
You need to ask this question early on.
Because if he just wants you to be his buddy, and you’re interested in getting back together, you’re heading for future conflict and possible heartbreak.
And this may sound obvious, but if he tells you he just wants to be friends, listen to him.
Too often, we only hear what we want to hear.
It’s not uncommon, for instance, to hear a woman say something like, “He told me he just wants to be friends, but he doesn’t really mean that.”
Unfortunately, he probably does.
So, if you don’t want to get hurt, listen to what he’s saying and not what you want to hear.
2. What are your motives?
Maybe, it’s you who misses having long conversations with your ex-boyfriend, and you just enjoy having him back in your life — platonically.
But if you don’t make that clear to him from the beginning, there’s a good chance you could be leading your ex-boyfriend on.
It’s your job to make it perfectly clear to your ex-boyfriend what you expect out of your future relationship and then set your boundaries early and don’t cross them.
3. Is he weighing his options?
Let’s be honest. Some guys will always be wishy-washy. No matter what is going on in their lives, they always believe that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.
So, now that your ex-boyfriend is single or possibly even with another girl, he may be wondering if he should have stayed with you.
A man like this is often afraid to commit for fear of losing out on something better.
And, be forewarned, there are some major risks of heartbreak if you try to have a relationship with a commitment-phobic man.
4. Is he jealous?
You’ve met a new guy. He’s funny, sweet and the two of you are starting to see each other on a regular basis.
But then, out of the blue, your ex-boyfriend starts calling or texting.
Is it a coincidence that your ex-boyfriend has decided to reappear in your life at the same time that you’re ready to move on?
Maybe. But it’s also possible that he heard through the grapevine that you’ve found a new boyfriend.
And now he’s jealous and has decided that maybe you were the love of your life.
This is truly one of the trickiest scenarios to deal with because there are so many “what if’s” involved.
What if you reconnect with your ex-boyfriend, and you lose your current love?
What if you ignore your ex, and you and the new guy never actually begin a relationship?
Or what if you dump the new guy to reconnect with your ex, and he dumps you?
This is definitely a situation where you’ll want to remember why you and your ex broke up, so you can decide whether having him back in your life is worth jeopardizing or even ending your new relationship.
5. Is he just being civil?
Do you and your ex-boyfriend share a lot of friends? When you’re part of the same crowd, you’re bound to run into your ex on a regular basis.
And it can get terribly awkward to continuously ignore or avoid each other.
So, if your ex-boyfriend is talking to you again, he may just be trying to be civil to you in social situations.
6. Did he realize he made a mistake and is interested in getting back together?
Like the saying goes, absence can make the heart grow fonder.
And maybe — just maybe — your ex-boyfriend is talking to you again, because during your time apart, he realized that you are truly his soulmate and he wants to get back together again.
7. Is he drunk dialing you?
Please don’t be fooled by that drunk dial or text in the middle of the night.
You know, the ones where your ex-boyfriend manages to say all the right things — that he misses you, that you were meant to be, and he was a fool to leave you.
But don’t let your ex-boyfriend’s drunken words affect your judgment.
Remember, it’s the alcohol talking. Not him.
And so when the sun rises in the morning, he’s probably going to forget or even deny the declarations of love that he made to you in the middle of the night.
8. Is he truly confused?
At some point in your life, you were probably confused about whether to stay with a certain guy. One day, you were in love with him. But then the next day, you weren’t sure if you were ready for a serious relationship.
Your ex-boyfriend could be going through this same feeling of confusion right now. He may really like you. But maybe he’s not sure if he’s ready to give up partying or hanging out with his friends. And he may be talking to you again because he’s still sorting through his feelings for you.
How to tell if this is a new beginning or a dead end
Now, that you and your ex-boyfriend are talking again, could this mean that you’re on your way to rekindling your romance?
While this may be something you’ve wanted, maybe even something that you’ve been dreaming about, you really need to spend time analyzing why your relationship failed the first time.
If nothing has changed since you broke up, you could be destined for heartbreak again.
Has he made changes?
Is he still doing the same things that used to drive you crazy the first time?
Over time, you may have forgotten some of his more annoying habits or quirks.
But if you believe that your ex-boyfriend would be perfect if he would just change certain things about himself, then you could be setting yourself up for disappointment.
There are some traits you won’t be able to change in another person, and if a trait — such as laziness, impatience or a roving eye — are true deal killers for you, you may need to consider moving on.
Because that trait or habit may just be part of who your ex-boyfriend is.
And the only thing you might be able to change is your own reaction to these traits you consider annoying or faults.
Have you made any changes?
After your relationship ended, did you take the time to do a little self-reflection?
If so, did you discover any toxic traits that you possess that could have fueled the end of your relationship?
For example, were you way too clingy or a terrible nag?
If you want to get back together with your ex, it’s important to take the necessary steps to change these behaviors.
Because, truthfully, being a nag or clingy is a turnoff for many guys, not just your ex.
Does he truly regret any actions that led to your breakup?
It’s possible that during your breakup, your ex-boyfriend had time to reflect on the way he treated you and the mistakes that he made.
And he’s come to the realization that he was the one who had been in the wrong.
If your ex-boyfriend is truly sorry, he may be talking to you now because he is hoping for a new beginning.
Is it ever a bad idea to talk to an ex?
Yes. there are definitely times when you should avoid talking to an ex-boyfriend. For example, if you were in a violent relationship, Psychology Today states that, “You cannot be friends. You cannot trust him.”
The following are five reasons you should probably stop talking with an ex.
1. He is a narcissist who has hurt you over and over again.
Narcissists are very good at promising you that everything will be wonderful if you get back together.
Sadly, they are also good at lying and gas lighting their victims. They also typically lack any empathy.
2. Talking to your ex is causing friction with your current love.
Not all men are good with their girlfriends being friendly with an ex, especially one that you’ve just recently broken up with.
If having your ex around is putting unnecessary strain on your current relationship, you may need to decide who is more important in your life — your new love or your ex.
3. If you’re embarrassed to tell others that “My ex boyfriend and I are talking again.”
That’s a sign that deep down you know that getting back together with your ex is a bad idea. Your heart may deny it, but the rest of your body can sense it and is trying to warn you.
4. You could be clinging to the unrealistic hope that you’ll be getting back together.
If you’re talking to your ex-boyfriend in hopes of getting back together, but all of your exchanges have been very platonic, you may be putting your life on hold for a dream that may never come true.
5. He wants you back in his life — sort of.
The problem is he’s in a relationship, but he misses you. He has promised you that he’ll break it off with the new girl, but in the meantime, you’re going to be the side chick.
Unless that’s okay with you, it’s best for your mental well-being to wait until your ex is ready to commit fully to you.
Fairy tales do sometimes come true
Occasionally, talking to an ex can lead to a recommitment and, even, marriage. Prince William and Kate Middleton are excellent examples of this.
The two met as students at the University of St. Andrews in 2001. They dated for several years and even celebrated their college graduation together.
But then in 2007, William broke off their relationship — by phone, no less — basically because he needed more space.
According to Bazaar, Kate kept in contact with her ex-boyfriend after the breakup.
Was it a good idea? Apparently, in their case, it was. B
ecause, as the world knows today, the couple eventually got back together and were wed on April 29, 2011.
So, as you can see, there are times when an ex-boyfriend can lose the “ex” for good.
Talking to an ex-boyfriend can stir up so many emotions.
That is why it’s really important to read through these questions to get a better understanding of why your boyfriend has decided to reconnect with you.
After answering them, you may come to the decision that having your ex back in your life is not a good idea and that it will bring unnecessary turmoil and trouble into your life.
Or, maybe, you’re finally in a place where you can put your ex-boyfriend into the friend zone, and both of you will be fine with that. And there’s always a possibility that talking with your boyfriend actually means he wants you back in his life.
Whatever direction you decide to head, just make sure that you are protecting yourself and focusing on your own happiness and well-being.
That way, even if things should suddenly turn out differently than you were expecting, you’ll be better prepared to move on with your life.
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