When it comes to emotionally unavailable guys, there are plenty of stories out there to put you off ever considering a relationship with a man like that.
They’re distant, fearful of commitment, and often unable to form deep connections. But is this always the case? Aren’t they human just like the rest of us?
The truth is, they’ve probably gone through something traumatic in their past which has shaped them into being this way.
They avoid being vulnerable or emotionally intimate with women, but sometimes as a way to protect themselves, rather than to intentionally hurt their feelings.
So you might be wondering, how does a guy who is emotionally unavailable act when he’s in love? Is it even possible for them to fall in love?
The answer is yes. They can fall in love, but it can be tricky to spot their love signals.
Read on to find out what signs to look out for if you suspect your guy has fallen for you, and tips on how to make an emotionally unavailable guy fall in love.
11 signs that an emotionally unavailable man has fallen in love
‘Normal’ relationships are tough enough to work out, so it’s understandable if you’re confused about how an emotionally unavailable guy feels towards you.
Here are 11 important signs to look out for that an emotionally unavailable guy has fallen in love:
1. He begins to slowly open up to you
For an emotionally unavailable man, opening up to someone new can feel nerve-wracking and uncomfortable.
To let you into his life, he’s going against his natural defense instincts of keeping people at bay.
Opening up to you can be in the form of showing you or talking to you about his personal life. He might start opening up about his feelings towards you or others.
This might not seem like a big deal, but to someone who struggles with sharing deeply personal feelings with people, it’s an important step in letting their new partner in.
2. He lets you in on his past
For an emotionally unavailable man, his past experiences contribute to why he can’t commit or open up to people.
Letting someone in on all this personal information would probably bring up uncomfortable questions which he doesn’t want to talk about.
Opening up about his private past could be a sign that he’s willing to let go of his old baggage and take a step forward with you.
It could also be his way of helping you understand why he is the way he is. Whatever his reason is, even if he is a cold person, the fact that he’s opened up to you shows that he trusts you.
3. He’s protective of you
Don’t worry while there are traits that reveal a closed-off personality, there are ways to deal with them.
Protectiveness is an obvious sign that you have feelings for someone. It’s also quite a scary, strong emotion to feel, because it can give you a feeling of responsibility to take care of them.
In healthy amounts, being protective and caring of your partner shows that their health, safety and happiness matters to you.
For an emotionally unavailable man, showing that you care about someone by protecting them can be easier than expressing it.
Protecting a woman is also a tell-tale sign that his hero instinct has been triggered.
If you don’t know what the hero instinct is, it’s a new concept in relationship psychology that explains why emotionally unavailable men can commit completely to a relationship.
The concept was coined by James Bauer, a relationship psychologist and bestselling author.
Watch his excellent video here where he explains exactly what the hero instinct is all about.
The best part of the hero instinct is that you can trigger it in your emotionally unavailable man.
In his video, James Bauer outlines several things you can do. He reveals phrases, texts and little requests that you can use right now to trigger this very natural male instinct.
Some ideas are life-changing. And when it comes to being in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man, this is one of them.
4. He wants to change
This is one personality trait of a good man.
If you have been dating an emotionally unavailable man, and you’re wondering if he’s in love with you, this could be a very telling sign.
Maybe you’ve spoken about his issues with his emotions, or about why he behaves the way he does.
It can be very difficult for people to work through their past traumas and come to terms with who they really are. If he’s willing to try it to make your relationship work, by focusing on his own issues, it’s a great sign of his commitment.
5. He starts expressing emotions
There’s a reason why he’s emotionally unavailable. Maybe he had attachment issues as a child, or he’s been through a particularly tough break up in the past. Either way, expressing his emotions can be tough.
It’s not that he doesn’t feel them, but verbally expressing his feelings towards you means making himself vulnerable.
If he has started expressing his emotions, it’s a sign that he’s got genuine feelings and is willing to put himself out on the line for you.
6. Want advice specific to your situation?
While this article explores the main signs an emotionally unavailable man has fallen in love, it can be helpful to speak to a relationship coach about your situation.
With a professional relationship coach, you can get advice specific to your life and your experiences…
Relationship Hero is a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations, like dealing with an emotionally unavailable man. They’re a very popular resource for people facing this sort of challenge.
How do I know?
Well, I reached out to them a few months ago when I was going through a tough patch in my own relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.
In just a few minutes, you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
7. He starts to see a future with you
Go over these undeniable signs a man is falling in love with you.
A common trait of emotionally unavailable men is to avoid commitment. He’s the guy who usually has short term relationships, or friends with benefits.
It’s important that you don’t push these types of conversations, as this could make him back off, especially if he’s not ready to talk about it.
But, if a guy has fallen in love with you, he won’t be able to help imagining what it would be like to have you around in the future.
Look out for hints or casual remarks that he drops in the conversation about plans for the future.
8. Your opinion matters to him
A part of an emotionally unavailable man’s defense mechanism is to want to be in control. They’ll make their own decisions and do only what they feel comfortable with.
If he starts to involve you more in decision-making, and he values your opinion and advice, it could be a sign that he’s falling in love with you.
Being in a loving relationship means allowing another person into your world, and vice versa. For him to let you have an opinion or say so in his life is a big step, and not one which he would take lightly.
9. His words start matching his actions
Most of us have come across someone who knew all the right things to say, but could never follow through with their actions.
This behavior can also happen with men who are emotionally unavailable, as they want to keep you around but don’t want to commit to being in a healthy, stable relationship.
You know the type. They say they’ll call and then they don’t (but they always have a great excuse for why they couldn’t). Or maybe you make plans and they cancel at the last minute.
If a guy does start to follow through with what he says he’ll do, he clearly cares about you and wants to be the stable partner you need.
Cynthia Catchings, a therapist for Talkspace, explains why following through is important in a relationship , ‘Consistency is a combination of behaviors that include dependability, trust, and a true desire to have a companion and form a serious relationship.’
10. He’s not afraid to introduce you to his friends
Relationships can often feel more ‘real’ when you meet your partner’s family and friends and the relationship is out in the open.
There are a few reasons why an emotionally unavailable man might avoid introducing you to his friends or family.
Maybe he doesn’t want you to find out about his past relationships or experiences, or he doesn’t want you getting close with his friends and loved ones.
If his family and friends really like you and encourage the relationship, it puts more pressure on him.
If he does want you to meet his loved ones, take it as a sign that he sees you as an important person in his life.
11. Your relationship becomes more emotional than physical
In the beginning of your relationship with an emotionally unavailable man, it can often feel like it’s mainly about sex.
Although it’s usually a fun and exciting time in the relationship as you’re both getting to know each other, you might find that he often avoids talking about emotions.
Being physical instead of emotionally intimate is his way of keeping you at arms length, and stops him from forming an emotional attachment to you.
If he does start being more emotionally affectionate, it’s a good sign that he’s fallen in love with you.
He might do it without even realizing it, but his feelings for you will make him see you as more than just a partner to have fun. And it’s a good sign that he’s the right man for you.
8 ways to make an emotionally unavailable man fall in love
Now that you know the signs to look out for if you think an emotionally unavailable man might love you. But what if you’re not there yet and you’re wondering how you can speed up the process?
Here are 8 tips on what to do to make him fall in love with you:
1. Let him feel like a hero
Again, this might sound like advice taken from an old movie, but letting a man be a hero in his own life can really help your chances of him falling in love with you.
Letting a man be a hero taps into a primal, biological drive which most women (and men) don’t even realize exists.
The hero instinct is a new concept by relationship psychologist James Bauer which explains why men fall in love. I mentioned this concept above.
It’s quite simple.
Every man wants to feel needed and valued in his relationship. This is deeply rooted in his biology.
To get your emotionally unavailable man to fall in love, you don’t have to act like a damsel in distress. You don’t need to dilute your strength or independence in any way.
In this video, James Bauer explains how simple signals from a woman can trigger the hero instinct in a man, and instantly make the relationship stronger. He reveals the words you can say, phrases you can use, and little requests you can make to trigger this instinct in him.
By triggering this very natural male instinct, you’ll not only give him greater satisfaction as a man but it will also help to rocket your relationship to the next level.
2. Build a friendship first
This can be tricky, especially if you really like or love this guy, but you need to hold back. You might be tempted to rush in and express all feelings towards him, but this can easily scare him off.
Before you even talk about being in an official relationship, show him that you can be his friend.
Not only will this build a good foundation for both of you to start a relationship, but it will give him time to know you and trust you, without all the pressure that comes with being emotionally romantic.
Over time during the friendship, if his feelings are real and genuine, he won’t be able to help but consider being more than just friends with you.
3. Make him feel like he’s doing his ‘job’
When it comes to sex and intimacy, what does he really want from you?
Men don’t necessarily want a woman who’s a firecracker in bed. Or one with a big chest and flat tummy.
Instead, he wants his prowess validated. To feel like he’s doing his ‘job’ as a man.
4. Keep your independence
This is important in all types of relationships, but especially if you’re with a man who’s emotionally unavailable.
You need to show him that you have your own life, and your happiness doesn’t depend on him. Any sign of clinginess will probably put him off, or at the very least he’ll avoid being in a relationship with you.
By being independent, able to have fun without him and busy, he’ll understand that you hang out with him because you want to, not because you need to.
5. Avoid talks about the future
Even if it naturally comes up in conversation, don’t be the one to start planning out future dreams together. If he’s not ready, it’ll make him panic and quickly back off.
An emotionally unavailable man doesn’t want to commit. At least not until he’s truly in love and ready to make that step.
You need to give him time, and remember that falling in love and imagining a future with someone doesn’t happen overnight.
For this type of guy it can take longer than usual, but if you’re both right for each other, he’ll get there in the end.
6. Keep things light
Some relationships start off very intense, others casual and lighthearted. With an emotionally unavailable man, it’s best to keep things light and simple.
Putting pressure on him, or talking about deep, emotional issues will probably make him very uncomfortable. You might do it in the hopes of getting him to open up, but he’ll most likely shut down even more.
Instead, avoid heavy topics that bring up a lot of feelings. Stick to having fun and enjoying each other’s company.
This will help him relax and have time to process his feelings towards you, without the pressure of your relationship expectations weighing on his shoulders.
If you want to know how, you can check this article to make a man commit without pressure.
7. Be honest about your feelings
Now, just because you shouldn’t put pressure on him, it doesn’t mean you can’t be honest about how you feel.
To love you, he needs to know that his feelings will be returned. He’s less likely to put himself out there if he thinks that there’s a chance he’ll be rejected.
So as well as putting his mind at ease, by being honest about your feelings, you’ll show him that you’re willing to be vulnerable and open with him.
This will help break down his emotional barriers. He’ll see that you’re also taking a risk in sharing your feelings, and it’ll make him more comfortable in sharing his own.
But remember, keep it light. Share your feelings but don’t pile it on too heavy.
8. Don’t chase him
This might sound like outdated advice, but guys like the chase. Since the early days of mankind, men hunted for the things they wanted and needed.
Being too available or overly keen will make you seem less attractive to him. If you’re always free to meet, he’ll see you as an easy fling which doesn’t have much substance for anything more.
A guy who is emotionally unavailable won’t fall in love with just any woman. He’ll need to feel that you’re independent, in control and not there just to mess around.
And remember this, it’s important to make a man needed in a relationship.
So, sit back and let him chase you. Make yourself busy and only see him when it’s convenient for you. Getting on with your own life will only make him work harder to become a part of it, and eventually, this effort could lead to real love.
Speeding up the process
Are you not willing to wait around and see if those feelings do eventually come to light? Honestly, what is it with guys and being so reserved with their emotions…
If you don’t want to simply sit back and watch things unravel, then you can get proactive instead.
Twice in this post, I mentioned a very important concept: the hero instinct.
Once you’ve triggered it in your man, then you know it’s love. He’s there for the long haul and won’t be cutting loose any time soon.
The last thing an emotionally unavailable man wants to talk about is his feelings towards you. So, skip that step and make him feel them instead.
This is exactly what the hero instinct does.
By letting a man be a hero in his own life, you can give him that push he needs to fall deeply in love.
No, it’s not about flying in with capes and saving the day, but rather it taps into his primal, biological drive, which he doesn’t even realize exists.
We have relationship expert James Bauer to thank for this.
He was the first one to coin the term, and in his free video, you can learn just how much men want to feel needed and valued in a relationship. And how the hero instinct feeds this desire.
You can learn the right words, phrases, and requests to help trigger this instinct. Small, practical steps you can take to bring your emotionally unavailable man into a very emotionally-filled relationship.
It’s the perfect chance to blast off your relationship to that next level.