“I don’t feel connected to my boyfriend” – 13 tips if this is you

Your romance used to be like the fairytales, where it all fell magically into place and you thought you’d live happily ever after. Used to be.

But now, you don’t know what’s up.

You barely get intimate anymore, and now it’s as if you’re just going through the motions of life; the magic’s gone.

Where did it go? Could you get it back?

While the honeymoon phase might’ve ended, that doesn’t mean the connection has to go with it.

It’s natural for connections to get tested over the course of a relationship.

So here are 12 ways to help you reconnect and rediscover the magic of your relationship.

1. Talk to Him About It

Bringing up the issue to your boyfriend directly is possibly the most important step you can take.

He isn’t a mind reader. If you have a problem, don’t let him guess.

He won’t know about it if you don’t tell him.

Having an open line of communication is important in any relationship.

It’s what helps each person coordinate and get on the same page as one another.

It may terrify you to bring it up to him. You can take your time or ask your friend for help.

But know that sometimes, it’s those things that risk separation that are the most important issues to tackle in any relationship.

That’s how you know that it’s a serious problem that needs to be addressed.

2. Give Each Other Space

It’s possible that you might be spending too much time together. People naturally need space for themselves.

If you’re constantly talking and spending every hour together, going on a date might not be a potential solution.

Instead, give yourselves some space.

Eat at a restaurant by yourself. Catch a movie alone. Spend time with your friends and encourage them to spend time with him.

American psychiatrist M. Scott Peck once wrote, “Love is the free exercise of choice. Two people love each other only when they are quite capable of living without each other but choose to live with each other.”

So give yourselves the chance to enjoy your independence.

3. Open Up

Emotional vulnerability is a beautiful thing.

But isn’t it daunting to share your innermost feelings?

It is.

But when you and your boyfriend decide to let your walls down that way, it opens the door to understanding one another better.

There’s no need for shyness to stifle your connection with your boyfriend. You can deepen your connection by talking about topics like fears, goals, and aspirations.

This is the perfect chance for you both to grow in understanding of one another – an investment that will reap valuable rewards later.

The truth is, I’ve struggled with this one in the past.

Every opportunity I had to open up left me feeling more scared than excited.

Know what I did?

I spoke with a coach from Relationship Hero.

I got really good advice and insight on how critical it is for couples to create a safe space to speak up and be heard.

It also reminded me not to fear vulnerability in meaningful relationships. That sometimes, being open can have immense rewards.

I’m telling you, it made a huge difference.

So give yourself that chance to open up and connect without feeling judged.

Click here to get matched to a relationship coach now.

4. Spend More Time Together

Maybe work has been hectic recently and you both haven’t had the chance to focus on each other.

In this case, maybe having an intimate date night just for the both of you could bring back the spark that ignited your relationship in the first place.

Or even plan a special trip, or even just make time to catch up in the mornings and evenings.

While you need space to grow individually, make sure you also carve out quality time together.

Not only will it help remind you why you’re in the relationship, but it’ll keep your communication lines open and honest too.

5. Check Up on Your Relationship Together Often

It’s easy to accept the relationship as a given after a few years. Getting comfortable can be both positive and negative.

A relationship can be like a car. It needs regular maintenance to keep going.

Without regular check-ups, it might break down and leave you stranded on the busy highway of life.

You might talk about it monthly or yearly on your anniversary – whatever works for the both of you.

It’s a chance to ask if there’s anything that’s bothering him and express what’s been bothering you.

It’s also a time to ask about your future plans together: should you move in?

When (if you plan to) do you hope to get married?

Checking up regularly will help you know what level you’re both at in the relationship.

If you’ve got a weird feeling about your boyfriend though, it can be tough. But the below video can help you out.

6. Take It Back to The Beginning

Remember your first date? How nervous you both were, the food, the places that you went to.

That was back when your relationship was crackling with potential.

You were both still “strangers” which made the back-and-forth flirting exciting.

Remember how that first “I love you” landed on your ears and rippled through your heart?

Those times aren’t gone.

You can try recreating that first date and taking a stroll down memory lane.

Going on another “first date” together might give you both perspectives on what just happened to the magic and where it went.

It could help you bring back the freshness of your relationship.

7. Keep Learning More About Each Other

One of the things that keep relationships exciting is just how much you don’t know about your partner.

It’s why the first date was also so exciting; none of you knew what to expect, so everything was a surprise.

But maybe after having spent a few years together, surprises became less and less common.

You’ve become familiar with the way that they react to the food they don’t like or know what music to play to get them emotional.

But people change as they grow. There might still be things that you don’t know about him. So stay curious.

Ask new questions. Try new things together; you might learn that he’s an excellent ice skater or can make a killer clay sculpture.

8. Do Something Exciting Together

A study found a positive correlation between higher levels of adrenaline with the attraction that one feels toward another person.

This is why clubs with loud music are such a conducive place for people to really get to know each other.

This is also why it might be a good idea to do something exciting together, something that’ll get your blood pumping and heart racing.

Go on a hike, trying rock climbing, or even work out together could be a good place to start.

Doing these activities together might also strengthen how you work as a team.

9. Show Gratitude And Appreciation Often

It’s easy to forget how much you do for each other.

You might, by habit, already make the coffee in the morning while he sets up the table.

It could already be a given that he’ll pay for the dinner and you pay for the dessert.

It’s always important to show how much you appreciate him being in your life, and not just something that you take for granted and just being there.

Say thank you often. Give him a meaningful and special gift as a sign that says that your love for him has not decreased an inch since that first date.

He’s sure to appreciate it and is likely to do the same.

10. Show Small Acts of Love

There are two misconceptions about love: that it’s simply a noun, and that showing it always has to be grand.

Love is a verb.

When you love someone, you show it through your actions.

You pay attention to what they’re saying, be the person they need when they’ve had a rough day, and get them cups of water or a blanket when he’s just sitting.

Staying up late to wait up for him, or being the only person to compliment him for a job well done are small acts of kindness that can mean the world to him.

11. Bring Back the Attention

In our hyperconnected world, it’s easier to get distracted than before; there are social media, chats, notifications, emails, pop-up ads, and funny videos all trying to grab our attention.

Instead of sitting on the couch quietly scrolling on your phones, why not have a real conversation with each other?

Put your phones down. Turn the TV off. Talk to each other. Stop multitasking in your relationship.

As the author, Anne Lamott wrote, “There is ecstasy in paying attention”

12. Take Care of Yourself

When your relationship starts to become stressful, it’s easy for that stress to affect different areas of your life.

When your mind is too preoccupied with your relationship problems, you might become more forgetful, and less focused.

You start missing deadlines and getting very easily angered.

You might even start missing workouts, overeating, oversleeping, or even drinking too much.

If you can’t bring yourself to talk about your problems with your boyfriend just yet, a good option would be to open up to a close friend about it.

They could at least help take care of you while you try sorting the situation out.

You can also try going for a jog or writing your problems down in a journal.

Sometimes these emotions can be too heavy to bear just on your own.

There’s nothing wrong with asking for help.

Open communication will always be the right thing to practice in any relationship.

When both of you are open about your feelings and emotions, you’re more able to work through problems and solve them together.

Relationships, where one side isn’t showing their true colors or is keeping secrets, tend to get messy.

Left unaddressed, it could lead to an explosive fight that could jeopardize or even end the relationship.

The truth will eventually have to come out.

If you aren’t feeling connected to your boyfriend, the best option for you is to talk to him about it.

13. Trigger a natural male instinct

If you want to feel more connected to your boyfriend, you must make your guy feel like your provider and protector, and someone you genuinely admire.

In other words, you have to make him feel like a hero (not exactly like Thor though).

I know it sounds a bit silly. In this day and age, women don’t need someone to rescue them. They don’t need a ‘hero’ in their lives.

And I couldn’t agree more.

But here’s the ironic truth. Men do still need to be a hero. Because it’s built into their DNA to seek out relationships that allow them to feel like a provider.

And the kicker?

A man won’t stay interested in a woman when this thirst isn’t satisfied.

There’s actually a psychological term for what I’m talking about here. It’s called the hero instinct. This term was coined by relationship expert James Bauer.

Now, you can’t trigger his hero instinct just giving him admiration the next time you see him. Men don’t like receiving participation awards for showing up. Trust me.

A man wants to feel like he has earned your admiration and respect.


The best way to learn how to trigger the hero instinct in your guy is to watch this free online video. James Bauer reveals the simple things you can do starting today.

If you can trigger this instinct successfully, then you’ll see the results immediately.

When a man genuinely feels like your everyday hero, he’ll become more loving, attentive, and interested in being in a committed, long-term relationship with you.

Top tip:

Some ideas really are life-changing. And for romantic relationships, this is one of them. That’s why you should watch this free online video where you can learn how to trigger the hero instinct in your guy.

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Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 15 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. Check out my latest book on the Hidden Secrets of Buddhism and How it Saved My Life. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Twitter.

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