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“Do I really love my wife?” – 10 signs you definitely do (and signs you don’t!)

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If somebody asked me if I love my wife I’d be offended: of course I do.

That’s why she’s my wife (duh!)

But I’ve been thinking more about this and to tell you the truth I’ve come up with some upsetting conclusions.

It turns out that figuring out if you really love your wife or not isn’t as black and white as many men believe…

“Do I really love my wife?” – 10 signs you definitely do

1) You’d take a bullet for her

Hopefully this doesn’t ever come to the test, but one of the signs you really love your wife is that you’d take a bullet for her.

Before we get too dramatic, let’s be clear that I mean this as a figure of speech!

Your wife means everything to you and you get tears in your eyes remembering the day you met.

Through the crap and routine of life you never lose the original fresh and amazing feeling of falling in love with her and it imbues the rest of your life with a bit of its magic.

As Ryan Reynolds says in this interview (followed by a bit of humor about how much he loves his new baby):

“I used to say to her, ‘I would take a bullet for you: I could never love anything as much as I love you,’ I would say that to my wife.”

2) You don’t fantasize about being with someone else

If you love your wife, you want your wife and nobody else.

You might get turned on by other women you see or catch a view of someone on Instagram who makes you feel like you’re raging with hormones and 17 again.

But the idea of really cheating and stepping out on your wife or not being satisfied by her isn’t really a concern.

You know that you love her on a deep level and are still satisfied with her.

You have a deep loyalty to her that’s not forced and not just motivated by social conventions, culture or beliefs.

It’s what you voluntarily and really want to do and she’s who you voluntarily and really want to be with.

3) She makes you feel like a hero

One of the strongest reasons I love my wife is that she makes me feel needed and valued.

I feel like a real man around her.

It turns out that I’m not alone and that my wife actually understands something really crucial about what makes men fall in love and stay in love.

You see, for guys, it’s all about triggering their inner hero.

I learned about this from the hero instinct. Coined by relationship expert James Bauer, this fascinating concept is about what really drives men in relationships, which is ingrained in their DNA.

And it’s something most women don’t know anything about.

Once triggered, these drivers make men into the heroes of their own lives. They feel better, love harder, and commit stronger when they find someone who knows how to trigger it.

Now, you may be wondering why it’s called “the hero instinct”? Do guys really need to feel like superheroes to commit to a woman?

Not at all. Forget about Marvel. You won’t need to play the damsel in distress or buy your man a cape.

The truth is, it comes at no cost or sacrifice to you. With only a few small changes in how you approach him, you’ll tap into a part of him no woman has tapped into before.

The easiest thing to do is to check out James Bauer’s excellent free video here. He shares some easy tips to get you started, such as sending him a 12 word text that will trigger his hero instinct right away.

Because that’s the beauty of the hero instinct.

It’s only a matter of knowing the right things to say to make him realize that he wants you and only you.

Click here to watch the free video.

4) You never get bored of her

I went on a lot of dates in my 20s and a few even turned into relationships.

But if there’s one thing I remember about the women before my wife it’s that I generally got really bored of them…really fast.

I’m not a misogynist or anything yucky like that (men can be really basic and boring, too!) but I’ve got to admit that I just found so many of the people I went out with absolutely dull!

I don’t have that problem with my wife.

If we’re just sitting having a glass of wine or looking through old photos or chatting about nothing I still feel fully engaged.

Even being bored with her is somehow fun. Go figure.

If you’re really in love you don’t get bored. Any time around your loved one is pure gold.

5) Your physical attraction for her keeps burning

On the physical side, let’s not forget about the importance of keeping the flame burning in the bedroom.

My wife looks hotter every time I see her, and the new yoga pants she bought last month are lucky they’re not ripped yet from all the action I’ve given them.

If that was too graphic, let me be clear:

Sex drives go up and down and it’s normal for some of the initial lust in a marriage to die down over the years.

But if you look at your wife and see a woman you don’t want to sleep with, then there’s something wrong.

Part of love is erotic passion, and if that’s gone missing then there’s something to worry about.

6) You never regret choosing her

One of the most important other signs that you definitely do love your wife is that you never regret choosing her.

Seeing old exes when you’re out or online has no effect on you except vague nostalgia or horniness at the most.

Your wife is the queen of your life and you never think twice about it.

You just feel lucky it worked out this way.

You know you’d do anything for her and wouldn’t hesitate to step in to help her, because life without her would just be a terrible tragedy.

Look at the show Afterlife starring Ricky Gervais for an example of what happens to a man who’s truly in love and then loses his wife.

You can also watch if you want to see some really brutal insults.

7) Your differences make you stronger

Even the happiest marriages have issues. I know mine does.

My wife likes her coffee with cream and sugar, and I like mine black as the night. We almost got divorced over it in year one…

I jest, I jest…

The point is that small and big things are going to come up in your marriage sooner or later and there’s just no way around that.

When you’re really in love with your wife, however, these differences actually have a way of bringing you together.

For example, my wife has a health problem with her blood circulation that I’ve never experienced. I know it’s painful and I’ve learned a lot about it, but I still can’t know what it’s like.

On my end, I have a severe phobia about blood. So even talking about blood freaks me out.

It sounds funny, I know.

But this difference between us and my own weird issues over blood have actually brought us closer together. I make my wife laugh when she wants to cry.

Love is one bizarre thing, let me tell you.

8) You trust her deeply and fully

Trust is like the yeast of a marriage. It makes the marriage rise, mature and be delicious.

I trust my wife completely. I really do.

I don’t keep tabs on her or watch what she’s doing through one of those GPS tracking apps. I don’t need to.

And I know she feels the same about me.

The truth is that our love is a strong enough bond for me not to be a hawk about her or follow her around and doubt what she says.

Trust is the golden standard of a marriage, and distrust is a poisonous snake.

Yes, she could be cheating on me right now. But deep in my gut I know she’s not.

And I know that the trust we have between us is two-sided, rock-solid and lasting.

It’s a top-notch feeling.

9) You work through your problems together

One of the other big signs of true love in a marriage is mutually working through your problems.

My wife and I have had our share, but we always knew that heading off into isolation was the wrong move. We put our heads and hearts together and worked it out.

It wasn’t always an intellectual thing.

Many of the problems in a marriage are emotional: one partner is closing down and the other shows them it’s safe to open up…

Or someone is going through a hard time but doesn’t want to be “negative” by talking about it or complaining…

You know, working through problems together and truly being partners in life is a beautiful thing. And it’s also a far cry from codependency.

Codependency is expecting and depending on your partner to fix your life.

Reliance and interdependence is voluntarily being there for each other through the storms of life.

10) Your spiritual paths are intertwined

My wife’s a Buddhist: I’m more of a lapsed Catholic.

The thing is that over the years we’ve had a really interesting experience. Our beliefs and questions have intertwined in these really fascinating ways.

I started out by being dismissive of Buddhism as a trendy hashtag religion, and have come to have a deep respect for it…

She started out by having a negative view of the Catholic Church due to its scandals and historical oppressions, but has come to see a much deeper theological side to it.

The point is that our process together has been really mystical and worthwhile.

It isn’t an intellectual thing or about me finally grasping what the Eightfold Path really is…

It’s deeper than that. Through our spiritual paths, we’ve come to see each other in a new light.

My wife isn’t just someone whose body and mind I love, I love her soul.

And I think on the deepest level that’s what love is.

5 signs you don’t actually love your wife

1) You settled for her

If you settled for your wife, you did yourself a bad turn. When you settle for someone, you devalue yourself and them.

If you were never really in love to begin with and only ended up with your wife out of necessity, then it stands to reason you don’t love her now either.

And how do you think she feels knowing that you had other options but chose her as a Plan B?

Reading stories of men who settled for their wives is downright tragic.

It’s a toxic connection from both sides. And it’s not built on love, it’s built on committing to someone you didn’t really want to commit to in the first place.

2) She makes you feel like shit about yourself

Another one of the huge signs you don’t love your wife is that she makes you feel like shit about yourself.

Excuse my French, but if you’re devoted to a woman who puts you down and makes you consistently feel like garbage then you don’t respect yourself.

This kind of treatment only really gets tolerated when something big is missing and we don’t know our own worth…

The truth is, most of us overlook an incredibly important element in our lives:

The relationship we have with ourselves.

I learnt about this from the shaman Rudá Iandê. In his genuine, free video on cultivating healthy relationships, he gives you the tools to plant yourself at the center of your world.

He covers some of the major mistakes most of us make in our relationships, such as codependency habits and unhealthy expectations. Mistakes most of us make without even realizing it.

So why am I recommending Rudá’s life-changing advice?

Well, he uses techniques derived from ancient shamanic teachings, but he puts his own modern-day twist on them. He may be a shaman, but his experiences in love weren’t much different to yours and mine.

Until he found a way to overcome these common issues. And that’s what he wants to share with you.

So if you’re ready to make that change today and cultivate healthy, loving relationships, relationships you know you deserve, check out his simple, genuine advice.

Click here to watch the free video.

3) You’d secretly be glad if she was gone

This is where things are going to go far beyond the PG rating and get a little bit controversial.

I have married guy friends who have admitted to me that they’d be happy if their wife was gone. Like, as in if she just left or was somehow traded with someone else like a character in the Sims or something.

Basically they just wish she wasn’t in their life but that it could happen without all the drama of a breakup and divorce.

If you’d secretly be glad your wife was gone then you’re not in love with her.

You’re just too scared to break up.

4) You feel like she’s just an option

This relates to the point about having settled: when you feel like your wife is just an option, then you don’t love her.

You may value her and be attracted to her, but you could just as easily meet another nice lady and feel the same about her after a few months.

And that’s a shame.

This also relates to feeling unneeded and replaceable.

It all goes back to the unique concept I mentioned earlier: the hero instinct.

When a man feels respected, useful, and needed, he’s more likely to commit to you and want something serious.

And the best part is, triggering his hero instinct can be as simple as knowing the right thing to say over a text.

You can learn exactly what to do by watching this simple and genuine video by James Bauer.

5) You fantasize about other women

If you’re married but regularly fantasizing about having sex with and being with other women, then you’re not in love.

At least not any kind of healthy love that I’ve heard of.

If that sounds judgmental, fair enough. Open relationships are growing in popularity and do remain an option if your wife and you are both into it.

There’s also always the option of popping down to a swinger’s club somewhere and seeing what happens.

But chances are these sexual adventures won’t patch up the basic hole inside your marriage.

Which most likely is a lack of actually being in love, from the sounds of it.

Love is a funny thing, isn’t it?

Love has a way of working out.

And when it’s not love it has a way of dying out.

Life seems to work that way at the end of the day. Love is a funny thing. And when it happens to you your whole world gets turned upside down.

If you really love your wife you’ll know it.

You’d walk 100 miles to get to her and help her if you had to.

But if you don’t love your wife you’ll also know it, because..

You’d walk 100 miles to get away from her.

Can a relationship coach help you too?

If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.

I know this from personal experience…

A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.

If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.

In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.

I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.

Click here to get started.

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Written by Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 15 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Twitter.

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