Paul Brian
Ghosting is so frustrating and depressing.
Somebody who was an important part of your life vanishes like an apparition.
But there’s more to it. The weirdest thing about ghosters is that they almost always return, like a stubborn boomerang.
Here’s why, and what to do about it…
1) They don’t like to be ghosted in return
I’ll let you in on a little secret about ghosters that they don’t like others to know.
They can dish it out but they absolutely can’t take it.
When their interest wanes or they see a bright new shiny object, they’re gone like Gonzales.
But when they sense that their victim really has moved on and has faced their ghosting square in the face and walked away, the ghoster starts getting second thoughts.
That’s because they realize that they may have lost out just as much or more as the person they ditched.
If you’re dating someone new or truly moved on, this can hit the ghoster hard, right in their squishy, narcissist core.
Like relationship writer Barrie Davenport explains:
“Ghosters who see you as ‘back-up’ won’t like to see you moving on and being happy with someone else.
If they’re not 100% done with you, they expect you to remain alone and desperate.”
2) They’re not well-balanced or happy people
What kind of person ghosts someone? A player? Sure.
Somebody just looking to get laid may use sleazy tactics like ghosting, clearly.
But the kind of person who builds up an emotional and romantic connection and then ditches someone tends to be one very specific type of person.
They tend to be an insecure narcissist and an emotionally immature egotist.
Ghosters are not emotionally well. They are weak. They are cowards. And they are scared to death of confrontation.
One of the most surprising reasons ghosters always come back is that they tend to do very poorly alone.
If their ghosting of you doesn’t pay off with exciting new people in the way they expected, you’ll soon find them crawling back around your door looking for more attention and intimacy.
3) What can you do if you see a ghost?
Ghosters almost always come back, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a good thing.
In fact, ghosts can be downright scary, as we all know.
While this article explores the primary motives for ghosts to come back (and what it means), it can be helpful to speak to a relationship coach about your situation.
With a professional relationship coach, you can get advice specific to your life and your experiences…
Relationship Hero is a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations, like the meaning of a ghost who reappears (even after a very long time).
They’re a very popular resource for people facing this sort of challenge.
How do I know?
Well, I reached out to Relationship Hero’s coaches in the past after going through a crazy time where somebody who ghosted me suddenly came back and was chasing me like crazy
What should I do?
After being lost in my thoughts for so long, the amazing professionals at Relationship Hero gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
4) They think of you as a fallback rebound option
Ghosters tend to be narcissistic and impulsive. They see something they want and they go for it: they lose interest and they just fade out without even breaking up.
They don’t only do this to play emotional games or out of selfishness, they also do this out of insecurity.
You see, if they avoid actually dumping you or truly splitting with you, they can somewhat keep you on the backburner.
You start with a few days ignoring someone, then a few weeks…Maybe sprinkle in the odd “hi” now and then…
The result of ghosting you is that they leave you as a bit of a fallback option.
They figure they can always just apologize profusely, claim they had a crisis or make some kind of other excuse.
So they show back up when things aren’t going that well and gaslight you into believing that they never even left in the first place or that there was a perfectly reasonable justification for their months of radio silence.
5) They’re just taking your temperature
This list isn’t going to skirt over the nasty details, so let’s get going here on point five.
One of the disappointing and surprising reasons ghosters always come back is that they like to check in on their investments.
Leaving people behind pining for them is their signature move.
And every now and then they like to pop back out of the woodwork and see what’s up.
How are you feeling? It’s been how long since they messaged you? Wow, they sure are sorry about that!
This is them taking your temperature and assessing options for potentially worming their way back into your life.
“They put time and energy into building something between you — getting you hooked on their attention — before they up and ghosted you.
Now, they want to see how effectively they’ve ruined you for anyone else.”
6) They don’t give a crap about you, so why not?
The ghoster craves affection and always wants more attention and more love.
But he or she doesn’t actually care about their objects of seduction apart from the thrill of the chase and the validation these objects give them.
Once they’re out of the picture seeking new dopamine hits, they basically forget about their past conquests.
Then, if the new sex and romantic adventures slow down, they circle back around to looking at you on their contact list.
And a single thought enters their sad head:
Why not?
After all, when a person doesn’t give a sh*t about someone but thinks they’re hot, they could be tempted to see if their old flame will still give them the time of day.
At the very least it will boost their bloated ego (which I’ll get to in the next point).
Amelia Prinn gets into this at Herway and makes a stellar point:
“The thing is that a person who was ghosting you for an amount of time never had any sincere feelings for you in the first place.
You’re simply a toy to them, a toy they think they can always take and play with.”
7) They’re looking for a free ego boost
Like I said in the last point, the ego of a ghoster should never be underestimated.
These people put themselves first and generally only care about themselves. That’s why they’re willing to do the kind of cruel thing that ghosting entails.
One of the most surprising reasons ghosters always come back, however, is that they always want more ego boosts even when they have plenty.
They could be dating two new girls off and on, but still come back to you asking if you miss them…
Or suggesting to meet up for a drink…
The purpose is often multi-faceted, but, at heart, is usually about getting a free ego boost.
Here I am again, tell me why I’m so hot and so special. Kthxbye.
Yuck…
8) They’re looking for a bedroom blitz
OK, the dirty stuff…
Yes, ghosters often show back up just to try to score a night of cheap pleasure.
It’s sleazy, but it’s common, so let’s not downplay this trend.
One of the surprising reasons ghosters always come back is that they get bored very easily because they tend to be emotional vampires.
They engage in one-sided interactions and relationships which tend to dry up and end quickly, leaving them once again on the hunt for more dopamine and oxytocin like a drug-addled addict.
They want those lovely brain chemicals flowing once again…
And the best way they can think of if love doesn’t seem to be on the menu is attending the horizontal rodeo at your place tonight.
Sound tempting?
Be careful, because the empty feeling they left you with when they ghosted you is lurking right outside the bedroom door waiting to grip you in despair again.
Respect yourself!
9) They’re stuck in a codependent cycle
Codependency is a really sad thing, because it feeds on itself and replicates like a nasty virus, getting worse as it spreads.
What is it?
Simply put, codependency is depending on other people for your sense of self-worth or value.
On a deeper level, codependency is when you pass the point of valuing and loving someone and actually expect them to save or fix you.
It’s nightmarish, because it will always go wrong and hurt all involved.
One of the surprising reasons ghosters always come back is that they tend to be locked in very codependent behavior. They often crave the validation of love but give none of it out.
If you fall into this trap, you may find yourself feeling like you gave and gave with nothing in return.
So, let’s address this tricky issue…
Have you ever asked yourself why love is so hard?
Why can’t it be how you imagined growing up? Or at least make some sense…
When you’re dealing with a ghoster who shows up again, it’s easy to become frustrated and even feel helpless.
You may even be tempted to throw in the towel and give up on love.
Is your only choice in life to take the scraps from the main table of love or give up altogether?
F*ck that, am I right?
I want to suggest doing something different.
It’s something I learned from the world-renowned shaman Rudá Iandê. He taught me that the way to find love and intimacy is not what we have been culturally conditioned to believe.
In fact, many of us self-sabotage and trick ourselves for years, getting in the way of meeting a partner who can truly fulfill us.
As Rudá explains in this mind blowing free video, many of us chase love in a toxic and disempowered way that ends up stabbing us in the back.
We get stuck in awful relationships or empty encounters, never really finding what we’re looking for and continuing to feel horrible about things like people who treat us disrespectfully and dismissively.
We fall in love with an ideal version of someone instead of the real person.
We try to “fix” our partners and end up destroying relationships.
We try to find someone who “completes” us, only to fall apart with them next to us and feel twice as bad when they ghost us.
Rudá’s teachings showed me a whole new perspective.
While watching, I felt like someone understood my struggles to find and nurture love for the first time – and finally offered an actual, practical solution ghosting and being ghosted.
If you’re done with unsatisfying dating, empty hookups, frustrating relationships and having your hopes dashed over and over, then this is a message you need to hear.
I guarantee you will not be disappointed.
Click here to watch the free video.
10) They don’t know what they want
Ghosting is kind of like trying to hit the pause button.
It’s not always rejection so much as it’s “I don’t know, leave me alone!”
The kind of people who ghost tend to be very confused people. They’re so confused they can’t even decide for sure to break up with someone and move on.
They’re so confused they don’t even really respect their own boundaries and come sniffing back around places they’ve already pooped.
Their own confusion can be so considerable that this is what motivates them into self-defeating patterns and behaviors.
They just don’t know what their mission is or what they want out of life and love.
So they throw a few darts at the wall and sees what sticks and then they slouch back around to try again when they get bored.
Sad!
11) They’re an insecure user who feels your lack
By now I hope I’ve emphasized for you just how insecure ghosters are.
People who are confident and moving on with their lives don’t ghost. They tell you face to face.
The ghoster is a person who craves affirmation and validation but deeply fears rejection and confrontation.
They worm through life causing all sorts of trauma in their wake, but they never face up to it.
Then when they start to feel lonely again, or miss the sort of empathy and love you gave them, they come back around begging for it hands open.
If you refuse, they will often play the victim, demanding to know why you don’t sympathize with them or care about their sad, loveless life.
Somewhere in all of that is a failure to mention them heartlessly discarding you.
Strange!
“When a guy comes back after ghosting you, it means: he is still attracted to you and wants you again.
Does it mean you’re special to him and that he really cares about you, though?
No, unfortunately not.”
12) They’re addicted to the chase
When we’re pursuing somebody we’re attracted to, it’s often referred to as “the chase.”
Even though the similarity to hunting is (hopefully) very minimal, romantic pursuit has a lot of emotional elements similar to hunting.
Patience, observation, communication, strategy, accuracy, timing and more.
It can become a downright addiction for some men and some women.
They become so turned on by the attempt to “get” someone, that once they have them they get bored.
It’s a story we’ve all heard thousands of times!
There are people who truly will ghost someone for no other reason than simple boredom.
They want to get back on the chase and this person is no longer providing them enough immature mind games and tests to satisfy their need for a challenge.
So they leave without saying goodbye.
Then months later they reappear, ready to reinitiate the chase and getting more turned on the more you resist (and bored if or when you accept).
13) They’re using you to ghost someone else
Another of the awful and surprising reasons ghosters always come back is that they tend to use people as chess pieces.
They may have ghosted you at one time, but now the person they ghosted you for has become the new ghostee.
In other words, you’re now playing the role of the person they cheat with in order to leave the other one behind.
What a lot of endless drama and nonsense, wouldn’t you say!?
It happens all too often, and many times people miss it because they can’t imagine somebody would be this brazen:
To reject and ghost you, and then pursue you strongly in order to essentially use you as a set piece in ghosting somebody else.
Certain individuals absolutely would do this.
They do do this.
Be careful out there!
14) They’re in denial about their ghosting ways
If you asked a ghoster why they do this to people, the average one might honestly be confused.
You see, ghosters always have a justification and their own version of reality.
According to them, you’ll find out that the relationship had just run its course and they were only facing reality…
You’ll find out that their partner was being horribly toxic and the best way they could think to end it was just to bug out…
You’ll find out they were going through a crisis and their partner refused to be supportive enough, prompting them to move on.
What a hard life!
15) They want to test what you’ll do when they pop back up
Part of taking your temperature that I spoke about earlier, is seeing how you react when they show back up.
Will you consider taking them back? Talk to them? Sleep with them? Slap them?
They want to see how you react.
You see the thing about a ghoster is they absolutely don’t care about you, your needs or your priorities.
But they absolutely do care about how you react to them and how you respond to their need for validation and attention.
They will often show back up to see if you hand them out more feel-good validation or not and test various tactics to try to entice you into doing so.
How should you respond?
Not all ghosts are the same, even if they share traits of avoiding conflict and being insecure.
In rare case there are good reasons why someone ghosted, at least if it has only been a short time.
But you should think very long and hard before giving the time of day to a ghoster.
Not only are they likely to do it again, they’re likely to use any empathy and attention you give them to get back at you and leave you once again.
Once a ghoster, always a ghoster is not always true but it’s often true.
Be careful how much attention you’re giving to these type of people, because somebody who would treat you that way is very likely to abuse your trust and intimacy once again.
Whatever you do, make sure to maintain your frame and your self-respect, because the more people you throw it away for, the weaker and less attractive you become to future, high-quality mates.
This sounds judgmental, and perhaps it is, but it’s absolutely true.
‘Get lost, ghost’
Ghosting someone is up there with one of the most disrespectful things you can do.
The best response you can have is to tell a ghost to get lost.
If you still love them or care about them, you can consider giving them another chance, but please don’t do so in an open-ended way that leads to being burned once again.
Take care of yourself. Respect yourself. And let that ghost know they’re skating on thin ice if you do take them back.
