9 warning signs that someone is subtly manipulating you, according to psychology

There’s a thin, almost invisible line between influence and manipulation.

Influence lets you keep your power, your choice.

Manipulation? It sneaks in, taking those choices away before you even realize what’s happening.

The thing is, manipulation often wears the mask of influence, making it hard to spot until it’s too late.

It’s subtle, calculated, and can leave you questioning your own instincts.

But here’s the good news: psychology has uncovered clear warning signs that can help you recognize when someone’s trying to pull the strings.

In this article, we’re breaking down 9 subtle signs of manipulation. 

1) They use your empathy against you

We all have a natural instinct to help and empathize with others.

Manipulators know this and use it to their advantage.

Psychology classifies this as ’emotional manipulation’. It’s a strategy where individuals exploit your kindness or sympathy to get you to do what they want.

Consider someone who consistently presents themselves as a victim, asking for your help or support. They might frequently share tales of their hardships, hoping to sway you into meeting their demands.

While it’s important to be compassionate, watch out for people who seem to take advantage of your generosity. Your empathy should not become a tool for their manipulation.

2) They subtly shift the blame onto you

This one hits close to home.

I remember a friend who would always make me feel guilty. It felt like every problem we encountered was somehow my fault.

Once, we planned a trip together. I put in all the effort to plan and organize, but when things didn’t go as expected, my friend quickly shifted the blame onto me. It was as if my planning was the cause of all our mishaps.

Looking back, I realize that this was a manipulative tactic. By shifting the blame, my friend avoided taking responsibility and manipulated me into feeling guilty. This is commonly known as ‘blame shifting’, a classic sign of manipulation.

Watch out for people who never take responsibility and always find ways to point the finger at others. It’s not just about fault-finding, it’s about control and manipulation.

3) They use gaslighting to make you question your reality

Gaslighting is one of the most insidious forms of manipulation.

It’s a tactic in which a person makes you doubt your own perceptions and memory.

Let’s say a person consistently denies their actions or words, even when you clearly remember them. Over time, this can make you question your own memory and judgment.

The term ‘gaslighting’ originates from a 1944 film called ‘Gaslight’. In the movie, a husband manipulates his wife into believing she’s losing her mind by subtly changing elements in their environment and denying those changes.

Beware of people who constantly dismiss your perspective and make you question your own sanity. This could be a sign of gaslighting, a powerful manipulation technique.

4) They always play the victim

One common tactic manipulators use is to always portray themselves as the victim.

Regardless of the situation, they manage to twist things to make it seem like they’re the ones being wronged.

For example, if they’ve done something hurtful and you confront them about it, they might deflect by saying how you’re making them feel bad or guilty for bringing up the issue. This puts you in a position where you feel like the ‘bad guy’, even though you’re not.

This is a classic manipulation tactic called ‘playing the victim’. It’s a way for manipulators to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and to make you feel guilty instead.

5) They make you feel like you owe them

Manipulators have a knack for making you feel indebted to them.

They might do something nice for you, but not out of the goodness of their heart. Instead, they use it as a tactic to make you feel like you owe them.

For instance, they might remind you of that one time they helped you out and use it as a justification for their demands. It’s as if they’re saying, “I did this for you, so now you have to do this for me.”

This is a manipulative strategy called ‘reciprocity’. It’s a way for manipulators to create a sense of obligation in you.

6) They dismiss your feelings

When someone dismisses your feelings, it can hurt.

It’s as if your emotions, your experiences, your very essence doesn’t matter to them.

Manipulators often use this tactic. They may belittle your feelings or tell you that you’re overreacting when you express discomfort or unhappiness. This isn’t just insensitivity; it’s a way to control and manipulate you.

You might hear phrases like, “You’re being too sensitive,” or “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.” These are attempts to make you doubt your feelings and reactions.

Always remember, your feelings are valid. Don’t let anyone make you think otherwise. If someone consistently dismisses or invalidates your emotions, it could be a telltale sign of subtle manipulation.

7) They give you the silent treatment

I remember a time when a person close to me would go completely silent whenever we had a disagreement.

No texts, no calls, no communication whatsoever. It was like being ghosted by someone who was supposed to be there for me.

This wasn’t just them needing space to process things. It was their way of punishing me for not agreeing with them. It was manipulation.

The silent treatment is a form of emotional manipulation where someone withdraws from communication to make you feel guilty or to force you into submission.

8) They constantly change the goal posts

Manipulators are experts at changing the rules of the game just when you’re about to win.

This is a tactic called ‘moving the goalposts’.

Imagine you’ve fulfilled a request or met a set of expectations, only to have the person tell you it’s not enough or they’ve changed their mind about what they wanted. It’s frustrating and confusing, leaving you in a constant state of trying to please them.

This tactic keeps you off balance and makes the manipulator hold all the power, as you’re always trying to meet their ever-changing demands.

9) They use guilt to control you

Guilt is one of the most powerful tools in a manipulator’s arsenal.

They know how to use it to make you do things you wouldn’t ordinarily do.

For instance, they might imply that you’re a bad friend or partner if you don’t accede to their demands. They make you feel guilty for not doing enough, for not being enough.

This is a form of emotional manipulation designed to control your actions and decisions.

It’s about respect and boundaries

The complexity of human interaction is often intertwined with our psychological makeup.

Manipulation, in particular, is deeply rooted in the realms of psychology and power dynamics.

Understanding these nine warning signs is more than just arming yourself against potential manipulators. It’s about affirming your self-worth, setting boundaries, and demanding respect in your relationships.

The renowned psychologist and Holocaust survivor, Dr. Viktor Frankl, once said, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

If you find yourself in a situation where these warning signs are present, remember Frankl’s words. You have the power to choose your response.

Choose respect. Choose boundaries. Choose growth.

Tara Whitmore

Tara Whitmore is a psychologist based in Melbourne, with a passion for helping people build healthier relationships and navigate life’s emotional ups and downs. Her articles blend practical psychology with relatable insights, offering readers guidance on everything from communication skills to managing stress in everyday life.

When Tara isn’t busy writing or working with clients, she loves to unwind by practicing yoga or trying her hand at pottery—anything that lets her get creative and stay mindful.

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