“Falling in love is very real, but I used to shake my head when people talked about soul mates, poor deluded individuals grasping at some supernatural ideal not intended for mortals but sounded pretty in a poetry book.
“Then, we met, and everything changed, the cynic has become the converted, the sceptic, an ardent zealot.”
— E.A. Bucchianeri
There are a lot of opinions out there about love. I know it can be confusing.
In my case, I always thought love was more or less a mystery and kind of bizarre. It looked different for everyone!
Who was I to say who was or wasn’t in love?
Also, my own experiences in romance were pretty up and down. Some good relationships, some big disappointments, some crazy left turns. Had I really been in love before or just thought I had?
Was there even any way to actually know real love from fake love?
And how did I understand my own behavior in dating? Why had I said what I’d said and done what I’d done?
I felt like a baby Plato just starting out in the wide world of philosophy and knowledge.
What could I make of it all that would be any use to myself or other people to guide them in life?
Ground rules on love
There are many reasons that guys send mixed signals.
Looking back on my own experiences in love and fake love, I could see that I’d been a pretty confusing guy at times.
And the same went for some girls I was with in the past!
Sometimes it’s because I was confused, sometimes it’s because I wanted to say what I thought the girl wanted to hear.
One situation hurt especially badly when a girl I’d fallen for ended up to be only after me for a fling.
By that time I was already in deep while she was already paddling away casually, completely unattached.
In other situations, I’d been fairly sure there wasn’t much serious going on, only for the relationship to blossom into something very special and true.
Your first instincts aren’t always right, and there are certain things you have to pay attention to in order to find out what’s love and what’s not.
This has been my experience, anyway…
That’s why it’s so crucial to understand the difference between fake love and real love.
Four signs of fake love
1) You get tired and bored of each other easily
When you’re not really in love, your ability to care is limited.
You get tired of the other person easily and often find what they say kind of boring.
It may be more of a sexual focus or that you enjoy their company in other ways, but if you’re honest with yourself you aren’t really “feeling it” fully.
This can be hard to admit because it’s hurtful and disappointing, but it’s important to do so as early as possible if you want to avoid a real disaster.
2) Your core values and beliefs aren’t aligned
You don’t have to agree with someone on everything to be in love.
After all, sometimes opposites do attract.
But when your core values clash there are some really fundamental issues that are bound to come up.
This includes how you want to live your life, where, what you want the relationship to become, the issue of having kids or not, religious and political outlook, and more and more.
Some couples make this work and grow through their differences, but other times it’s a disaster.
Make sure you don’t ignore all the incompatibilities because you think someone’s hot. Been there, done that. Yikes.
3) You can’t quite decide how you feel about them
Sometimes you don’t know how you feel because you’re taking things slow or still testing out the connection.
Don’t give up too fast!
On the other hand, staying in something serious when you know you aren’t really in love isn’t a good idea. One of the main signs of fake love is being tied down with someone and wishing they weren’t.
It’s being out in public and checking out other attractive people around you, being bored by what your partner says, and overall not being totally sure you’re really in it for the long haul.
If you’re not sure how you feel about someone and you’re in it purely out of obligation?
4) You depend on the other person for your happiness
When you depend on the other person for your happiness it’s not love, it’s codependency.
Codependents often have early childhood trauma and patterns of attachment that become toxic and limiting.
Generally, the relationship splits into a “savior” and a “victim” role. One always wants to fix the other, the other demands to be fixed.
It’s a perpetual cycle of incompleteness and unhealthy attachment. It’s not love.
Four signs of true love
1) An undeniable connection and mind meld
When you’re in love, you’re in sync! Your minds and hearts fit together naturally in some hard-to-describe way.
True love isn’t always dramatic, but it’s always clear.
You’re full of joy, there’s nobody else you’d rather be with and you feel a strong connection that’s just not there with others.
This is special and it’s rare. But it does happen!
True love is worth waiting for, and until then it’s always great to work on becoming the best person you can be and achieving your full potential.
2) Total honesty and truth even when it’s hard
True love is built on…truth!
Even when it’s hard, there is total honesty and truth between you. This can sometimes lead to fights or being very sad, but you always know that what’s happening is fully real.
Any lies or omissions that do happen hurt one hundred times more than you ever expected.
Because you’re truly in love.
And that’s completely different than being in an idealized or fake version of love.
Really being in love can hurt like hell, but it can also be heavenly.
3) You spend a maximum amount of time together
A big sign of true love is simply the desire and commitment to spend a lot of time together.
You don’t get bored easily and you want to see the other person as much as humanly possible.
You’d spend every waking minute with them if it were possible, and when you’re away even for a few days you get antsy and lonely.
I don’t mean this in a codependent way: you are fine without them and you can still feel their love inside you.
But you crave their presence and truly light up around them spontaneously and fully.
That’s love, baby!
4) You both bring out the best in each other
True love affects everything for the better.
As President John F. Kennedy said in 1963, “a rising tide lifts all boats.”
When you’re in love you bring out the best in each other and in those around you.
Your supply of goodwill, patience, and positivity seems at an all-time high.
You will certainly have shitty days, but you won’t dwell on them.
You’re on a path that feels right with the person you love, and the truth of it is undeniable.
Finding true love
Finding intimacy and true love isn’t easy. But it’s also not exactly hard.
It can take patience and forbearance, and maybe just a bit of luck or destiny, but it also takes clarity.
Quick question before I finish this article…
What does it mean when he closes his eyes in bed?
If you’ve ever been in bed with a man and had him close his eyes and seem to “go somewhere else” you have to watch this quick video right away. . .
This short little video reveals the truth about what men are thinking about when they’re in bed with a woman (when they SHOULD be focused 100% mind, body and soul on you). . .
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P.S. You’ll learn more about the erotic imagination of men in the 5 minutes it takes you to watch this video than you would in a lifetime on your own…
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