Jelena Dincic
Did you just start dating someone you think might have trust issues?
Are you wondering if you should stick around or leave before it gets serious?
If you’ve answered “yes”, I get it.
I mean, people with trust issues are insecure, suspicious, and have a hard time maintaining a normal relationship.
That’s why I’m going to tell you exactly what you can expect when dating someone with trust issues, and I’ll share some tips on how to handle the situation.
Let’s get started:
What to expect
1) They’re suspicious and paranoid
I’m not gonna lie to you, dating someone with trust issues can be a bit of a challenge.
Even though you know that their insecurities are not their fault and that they’re the result of a difficult childhood or a bad relationship, it can be hard not to take their lack of trust personally.
When you’re dating someone who has trust issues, you can expect them to take things out of context and come to ridiculous conclusions.
They’ll find a lot of your behavior “suspicious” and it will feel like they’re constantly trying to catch you out.
In my experience, they’ll get really jealous and keep asking you things like, “Who were you out with so late?” and “How can I know that they’re just a co-worker?”
But that’s not all, they may even get paranoid.
For example, you’ll buy them something nice – because you care about them – and they’ll completely misunderstand the situation and start accusing you of “trying to cover up” cheating on them by buying them gifts!
Not an easy situation to find yourself in.
2) They’re insecure and need constant reassurance
Because they were betrayed or abandoned in the past, people with trust issues need constant reassurance.
That means that they’ll constantly be seeking external validation. They need other people to approve of them and tell them that they’re worth something.
It also means that you’ll need to keep telling them how much you care about them, otherwise they may start to worry that you’re fed up with them and don’t love them anymore.
In short: People with trust issues need constant reassurance that you’re committed to the relationship and that you won’t leave them.
3) They have difficulty expressing their feelings
It makes sense if you think about it…
Imagine falling in love and giving yourself over to someone completely.
Now, imagine sharing everything with that person, only to have them betray your trust by cheating on you or hurting you in some other way.
Of course you’d be scared about opening yourself up to such pain again. I mean, what if you got your heart broken again?
For some people, it’s just too much to bear. That’s why people with trust issues have a hard time with intimacy. It’s basically a defense mechanism that keeps people from getting too close.
But here’s the thing, there’s no sure way to protect yourself from getting hurt and the only thing that people with trust issues are really in danger of is missing out on love. That’s why it’s important to be patient and understanding when dating someone so fragile.
4) They may not be comfortable with physical affection
To a lot of people, sex is more than just sex. They consider sex to be an intimate act, one that leaves a person vulnerable and exposes their emotions.
No wonder people with trust issues aren’t comfortable with physical affection!
The truth is that they struggle with physical intimacy as much as they do with emotional intimacy, that’s why you need to be ready to approach the problem with empathy and understanding.
It’s not going to be easy, that’s why I suggest that you and your partner consult a relationship coach to help you create a safe space in which you can work on the issue.
Don’t worry if you don’t know where to find a relationship coach, I can help! Relationship Hero is a popular website with dozens of highly trained professionals to choose from. I’ve heard nothing but the best about their coaches.
And the best part? Most of them have a degree in psychology so you can rest assured that they know what they’re talking about.
5) They have a hard time dealing with rejection
And I’m not talking about the end of a relationship, I’m talking about all kinds of rejection.
For example, if they ask you to go accompany them somewhere and you tell them you’re too tired and that they should go by themselves, they may see that as rejection.
They’ll convince themselves that you don’t care about them because you don’t want to accompany them wherever it is that they’re going.
Or, if they come to you wanting sex and you say you’re not in the mood, they’ll start to question everything.
Don’t you find them attractive anymore? Don’t you love them? Are you sleeping with someone else? Who says no to sex?
Simply put, they’re very sensitive and hearing “no” from someone, especially their romantic partner, can often feel like rejection, even though it’s something very insignificant.
What’s more, they’ll only be able to see the situation from their perspective. They won’t ask themselves why you weren’t in the mood to do something or try to understand that you’re allowed to be tired and have feelings of your own.
6) They go through your phone and email
An emotionally mature person has no reason to snoop around. They’re in a grown-up relationship that is based on trust.
However, when it comes to people with trust issues, they have no sense of boundaries.
I have a friend whose dad left her mom when she was a baby and was never really there for her.
And what does my friend do?
She goes through the phone of every guy she’s dating, and every time it’s like she is hoping to find something that proves her suspicions were right.
Basically, she sabotages every relationship she’s ever been in.
Some of her boyfriends were very understanding, but eventually, they grew tired of having to prove themselves to her.
7) They have a hard time letting go of the past
When someone experiences deep emotional pain and betrayal, it can be difficult to let go of that feeling of hurt and resentment.
Unfortunately, that means that they carry it with them, which is why they have a hard time forming new relationships or staying in them for a significant amount of time.
Maybe they feel that if they forgive and forget, they’ll be letting their guard down and opening themselves up to the possibility of being hurt again.
So, even though you’ve never done anything to hurt your partner, they’ll have trouble trusting you because they haven’t dealt with the past.
If you feel like they’re stuck and taking too long to heal, encourage them to see a therapist. Trust me, it will help both of you.
8) They try to sabotage your relationship
It makes perfect sense that they’d do that. Remember my friend?
Ask yourself what someone with trust issues is scared of the most.
Being lied to, cheated on, betrayed, and abandoned.
So, what’s the best way to make sure that that doesn’t happen?
End the relationship.
Don’t be surprised if they try to end the relationship by saying, “I can’t do this anymore.” or if they push all your buttons to see if you’ll stick around or run away.
If you feel like you’re at your wit’s end, get in touch with someone at Relationship Hero before you make any rash decisions!
Tips on dating someone with trust issues
As we’ve already established, dating someone with trust issues isn’t going to be easy. You’re going to have to be very understanding and patient.
You’re also going to have to be willing to help your partner work through their issues so that they can learn to trust again.
Here are some tips to help you out:
Take things slowly
We all have our own pace when it comes to opening up to others and feeling comfortable in their presence.
And when it comes to people who have trust issues, they’re definitely going to prefer taking things slowly.
One thing you should never do is try to push them to take a step they’re not ready to take as it could send them running.
The fact of the matter is that they’re not ready to rush into anything; they need time to get to know someone before they allow themselves to get emotionally invested.
As for trust, well, trust has to be earned. You need to show them that they can trust you.
Start by being patient and showing them that you’re in no rush to go anywhere.
Be honest
My next tip is to tell the truth.
Think about it, if you’re working to build trust, you need to be reliable and dependable.
That means that when you say you’ll do something, do it. Don’t change your mind at the last minute or it will only prove to them that you’re another person who can’t be trusted.
And be sure to always tell the truth, even when it’s hard or you think your partner might not understand.
For example, if you have to work late with an attractive co-worker, don’t tell your partner that you were working late with someone old and unattractive because sooner or later the truth will come out.
Now, I know that your partner gets jealous and that you felt you had to lie in order to keep the peace, but trust me, lying is way worse and will end up costing you dearly.
Show them that you need them
Another thing that could help you in your relationship with someone who has trust issues is to show them your vulnerable side.
Right now they feel like they’re the only ones who stand to get hurt if things don’t work out. That’s why you need to show them how much you need them in your life.
Be patient
Rome wasn’t built in a day and a person with trust issues won’t get better overnight.
So, if you’re serious about making things work, you have to be in it for the long run. You have to be ready to stand by them for as long as it takes for them to understand that they can trust you.
In the first part of this article, I explained what you can expect when you’re dating someone with trust issues. Now you have to be ready to stand patiently by them through all that.
That brings me to my next point…
Remember not to take things personally
Look, if you want to make your relationship work, you’re going to have to remember that their trust issues don’t have anything to do with you.
The fact that they don’t believe you or they try to push you away isn’t because of anything that you’ve done.
Their trust issues are the result of past relationships that ended badly, or, as is the case of my friend, they go back to their unhappy childhood.
So, no matter what happens, it’s important to keep in mind that it’s not personal.
Listen carefully
Your partner is extremely sensitive and vulnerable. They’ve been through a lot and all they want is someone they can trust and depend on – but they’re scared that they’ll get hurt again.
That’s why an important part of building trust and making your relationship work is listening to your partner.
They need to know that you understand why they might have trust issues and that you are there to support them and help them work through them.
And most importantly, they need to know that they’re not being judged by you.
The bottom line
If you’re not sure you can stand by someone who’s paranoid, has trouble opening up, and digs through your personal correspondence, then you should walk away now.
Someone with trust issues has already been through enough grief as it is, they don’t need you bailing out on them when they start getting close to you.
However, if you really care about this person and are willing to work with them to build trust in your relationship and to help them open up and get over past hurt, then remember to be understanding and patient, and to show them how much you care about them.
