James Carter
Love is supposed to lift you up, not tear you down. But sometimes, it’s not so easy to tell the difference.
A toxic person can make you feel like they care—like everything they do is for your own good. They might say it’s love, but somehow, you just keep feeling smaller and smaller.
The worst part? It happens so gradually that you don’t even realize it. One comment here, a little doubt planted there, and before long, your confidence is in pieces.
But once you see the pattern, you can break free from it. Let’s talk about the subtle ways a toxic person chips away at your confidence—while making it seem like love.
1) They disguise criticism as “help”
At first, it sounds like they just want the best for you. They point out your flaws, your mistakes, the things you could be doing better—all under the guise of “helping” you grow.
But over time, their words start to feel less like support and more like constant judgment. You begin second-guessing yourself, wondering if you’re ever good enough.
That’s how it starts. A toxic person will chip away at your confidence by making you believe their harsh words are just tough love. But real love encourages—you shouldn’t have to shrink yourself to earn it.
2) They make jokes at your expense and call you “too sensitive”
I remember the first time it happened. We were out with friends, and they made a joke about something I was insecure about—something I had told them in confidence. Everyone laughed. My face burned with embarrassment.
Later, when I told them it hurt my feelings, they just rolled their eyes. “Oh, come on. It was just a joke. You’re too sensitive.”
At first, I wondered if they were right. Maybe I was overreacting. But over time, the “jokes” kept coming, each one chipping away at my confidence bit by bit. And every time I spoke up, they dismissed me like my feelings didn’t matter.
That’s the trap—making you feel like the problem isn’t their cruelty, but your reaction to it. But here’s the truth: real love doesn’t make you feel small for having feelings.
3) They slowly isolate you from others
It doesn’t happen all at once. At first, they just make little comments—subtle things that make you question the people around you.
- “They don’t really care about you.”
- “I don’t think they have your best interests at heart.”
- “I just don’t feel comfortable with you spending so much time with them.”
One by one, your connections start to fade. You cancel plans more often. You stop sharing things with friends and family because you don’t want to “cause drama.” And before you know it, the only voice left in your life is theirs.
Here’s the thing—when you’re cut off from support, you become easier to control. Studies have shown that emotional abuse often follows this pattern: isolation, dependency, and eventually, complete loss of confidence in yourself.
But love should never feel like a cage. The people who truly love you will never ask you to shrink your world just to fit inside theirs.
4) They make you feel guilty for your own feelings
Anytime you try to express that something hurt you, the conversation somehow flips back onto you.
Suddenly, you’re the one apologizing. You’re the one feeling bad for “overreacting.” You’re the one questioning whether your emotions are valid at all.
It’s a tactic called emotional gaslighting—making you doubt your own reality so they don’t have to take responsibility for their actions. Over time, this constant self-doubt chips away at your confidence, making you afraid to speak up at all.
But here’s the truth: your feelings are not a burden, and real love doesn’t make you feel guilty for having them.
5) They keep moving the goalposts
No matter what you do, it’s never quite enough.
I remember trying so hard to meet their expectations—changing the way I dressed, the way I spoke, even the way I reacted to things. But every time I thought I had finally done something right, the rules would change again.
Suddenly, what made them happy last week wasn’t good enough anymore. The compliments turned back into criticism, and I was left scrambling to figure out what I had done wrong this time.
That’s the game—a toxic person will keep moving the goalposts so you’re always chasing their approval. And in the process, you slowly lose sight of your own worth, because you’re too busy trying to prove you’re “good enough” for them.
But love isn’t something you should have to earn.
6) They build you up—only to tear you dow
Sometimes, they make you feel incredible. They shower you with praise, tell you how special you are, and make you believe you’re the most important person in their world.
And then, just as quickly, it changes. One harsh comment, one dismissive look, one moment where they make you feel like you’re nothing.
That contrast is what keeps you hooked. You start chasing those good moments, believing that if you just try hard enough, things will go back to the way they were. But that’s the trick—it’s not you that changed; it’s them, controlling when you feel loved and when you feel worthless.
Real love doesn’t work like that. It doesn’t lift you up just to watch you fall.
7) They make their problems your responsibility
Somehow, everything wrong in their life becomes your fault—or at least, your job to fix.
If they’re stressed, it’s because you didn’t support them enough. If they’re in a bad mood, it’s because of something you said. If they lash out, it’s because you “pushed them to it.”
I used to bend over backward trying to keep the peace, believing that if I just did more, they’d finally be happy. But the truth is, no matter how much you give, it will never be enough for someone who refuses to take responsibility for themselves.
You are not responsible for managing someone else’s emotions at the expense of your own. Love should feel like a partnership, not a burden.
8) They make you afraid to be yourself
Little by little, you start filtering your words, second-guessing your choices, and walking on eggshells just to keep the peace.
You hesitate before speaking, wondering if what you say will upset them. You hold back parts of yourself because you’re scared they won’t approve.
And one day, you realize you don’t even recognize yourself anymore.
That’s the real damage—a toxic person doesn’t just break your confidence; they make you doubt who you are.
Love should never cost you your confidence
If you’ve read this far, I hope one thing is clear—real love doesn’t make you feel small.
Love should never leave you questioning your worth, walking on eggshells, or feeling like you’re not enough. It should feel safe. Encouraging. Like a place where you can be yourself without fear.
Psychologists have found that emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse, leaving deep scars on self-esteem and mental health.
But the good news? Confidence can be rebuilt. Healing is possible. And walking away from toxic love is the first step toward finding something real.
Because the right people—the ones who truly love you—will never ask you to shrink yourself just to fit into their world.
