James Carter
Empathy isn’t just a one-size-fits-all emotion.
It’s more of a spectrum, with some people feeling it constantly, while others only turn it on when it benefits them.
Psychology tells us there are traits that define people who exhibit this selective empathy.
They’re not necessarily manipulative or self-centered, but they do have a different way of engaging with the world.
In this article, we’re going to delve into the seven traits that characterize people who only show empathy when it personally impacts them.
These traits might help you better understand the people around you, and maybe even spot some familiar behaviors in yourself.
Get ready to explore the intriguing world of selective empathy—it’s about to get real interesting:
1) They often need a personal connection
While many of us can empathize with the plight of others, even if we’ve never experienced it ourselves, selective empathizers usually need a personal connection to feel empathy.
They have a tendency to relate to situations that align with their own experiences or interests.
If they can’t directly see how a situation impacts them, they may struggle to feel empathy for the person involved.
It’s not about being uncaring; it’s more about the way they process emotions and connect with others.
Understanding this can help you communicate effectively with them and foster healthier relationships.
2) They can switch their empathy on and off
Selective empathizers have this uncanny ability to switch their empathy on and off like a light switch.
I’ve personally experienced this with a friend of mine.
Let me share an example: My friend was always sympathetic when I had issues related to work, because she was in the same field and understood the challenges.
But when it came to my struggles with family or relationships, she would often seem indifferent.
It’s not that she didn’t care; she just couldn’t empathize with my situation because it didn’t directly impact her.
As psychologist Daniel Goleman once said, “Empathy represents the foundation skill for all the social competencies important for work.”
But for selective empathizers like my friend, this foundation can sometimes be a bit shaky when the situation doesn’t directly relate to them.
3) They often struggle with abstract empathy
Ever noticed how some people can’t seem to feel for the plights that don’t directly impact them?
This is a classic trait of selective empathizers: They often struggle with abstract empathy.
Abstract empathy is the ability to feel for people, animals, or situations that are far removed from our personal experiences. It’s the driving force behind a lot of charity work and activism.
However, for selective empathizers, if they can’t see it, touch it, or feel it in their immediate lives, it’s hard for them to empathize with it.
Famed psychologist Albert Bandura once said, “In order to succeed, people need a sense of self-efficacy, to struggle together with resilience to meet the inevitable obstacles and inequities of life.”
For selective empathizers, this struggle often needs to be personal or tangible for them to truly connect.
It’s not about being heartless; it’s just a different way of processing empathy—a raw truth that’s worth understanding.
4) They display empathy more in personal relationships
People who selectively show empathy often do so more prominently in their personal relationships.
Their empathy tends to shine when the people they care about are involved.
People are more likely to display empathetic behaviors when dealing with close friends and family members as compared to strangers—this is even more pronounced in selective empathizers.
For them, the emotional bond they share with someone directly influences their ability to empathize.
If they have a deep connection with someone, they’re more likely to empathize with their struggles, even if they haven’t experienced them personally.
It’s a fascinating aspect of selective empathy that highlights the importance of personal relationships in our emotional responses.
5) They tend to rationalize their lack of empathy
Have you ever noticed someone explaining away their inability to empathize?
That’s another common trait of selective empathizers: They often rationalize their lack of empathy.
I experienced this firsthand with a colleague.
When confronted about his apparent lack of concern for a team member’s personal crisis, he responded, “I can’t possibly understand everyone’s problems. I need to focus on my own.”
Understanding this behavior can shed light on their actions, helping us maintain healthier relationships with them.
6) They can often be highly empathetic
Here’s a trait that might surprise you: Selective empathizers can actually be highly empathetic.
Yes, you read that right.
When the situation impacts them directly or indirectly, they can display a deep understanding and empathy that can even surpass that of consistent empathizers.
As psychologist Carl Jung once said, “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”
This irritation often needs to be personally relevant for them to truly understand and empathize.
7) They can learn to broaden their empathy
The good news is, selective empathizers can learn to expand their empathy beyond their personal experiences.
Renowned psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “The only person who is educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”
This holds true for selective empathizers as well.
With effort and understanding, they can learn to empathize more consistently, contributing positively to their relationships and interactions.
Final reflections
The complexities of human empathy are indeed fascinating.
Selective empathizers offer a unique perspective, showing us that empathy isn’t always a universal response.
People who selectively show empathy aren’t heartless or uncaring.
They just have a different way of connecting with the world around them. It’s not about judging these individuals, but understanding them.
These seven traits offer insights into their world, helping us to better communicate with them, and maybe even learn something about our own empathetic responses.
In the end, empathy is a spectrum, and we all fall somewhere on it.
Understanding this can lead to more compassionate and meaningful interactions, regardless of where we or others might fall on that spectrum.
