Eliza Hartley
It’s one of the most confusing and exhausting experiences in life:
You care about someone deeply—maybe you even love them—but something always feels… off.
They say they love you. They insist they have your best interests at heart. And yet, every interaction leaves you feeling a little more drained, a little more uncertain, a little less like yourself.
It’s not always obvious. Toxic people don’t always shout, manipulate openly, or treat you cruelly in ways the world can see. Instead, they erode your energy slowly, in ways so subtle that you start to wonder if you’re imagining it.
But here’s the truth: Love should never feel like a slow loss of your own soul.
If you’ve ever questioned whether someone’s love is lifting you up or quietly pulling you under, here are 8 subtle ways a toxic person drains your soul while claiming to love you.
1) They make you question your own reality
One of the most subtle yet damaging ways a toxic person drains you is by making you doubt what you see, hear, and feel.
They rewrite conversations, deny things they clearly said, or act as if your emotions are overreactions.
You bring up something that hurt you, and suddenly, you’re the one apologizing. You express a concern, and somehow, you’re being “too sensitive” or “misunderstanding” what really happened.
Over time, this constant distortion of reality chips away at your confidence. You stop trusting your own instincts. You start second-guessing yourself even when you’re alone.
And that’s exactly the point.
When someone makes you feel like you can’t even trust your own thoughts, they gain more control over your emotions and decisions. And that’s how they keep draining you—while still claiming it’s all love.
2) They turn your feelings against you
Once you start doubting yourself, it becomes easier for them to use your own emotions as a weapon.
I remember bringing up something that had been bothering me for weeks. I was nervous, but I thought if I explained it calmly, we could talk through it.
Instead, they sighed, looked hurt, and told me they couldn’t believe I would think so little of them.
Suddenly, I was the bad guy.
I went from feeling upset to feeling guilty. Instead of my feelings being heard, the entire conversation became about how unfair I was being to them.
This happened over and over. Every time I tried to stand up for myself, I ended up being the one apologizing. Every time I expressed an emotion that didn’t serve them, they twisted it until I felt ashamed for even having it.
Eventually, I stopped speaking up at all. And that silence? That’s exactly what they wanted.
3) They make you feel alone, even when you’re with them
“The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.”
— Mark Twain
A toxic person has a way of making you feel lonelier in their presence than you ever would be on your own.
At first, you don’t even realize it’s happening. They’re right there beside you, but somehow, you feel invisible. You share your thoughts, your dreams, your struggles—but they don’t really listen. They dismiss what matters to you or act uninterested, as if your words are just background noise.
And when you need them most? They’re emotionally unavailable, distant, or suddenly too overwhelmed with their own problems to be there for you.
The irony is that they claim to love you. But love isn’t supposed to make you feel like you’re talking to a wall. Love isn’t supposed to leave you questioning whether anyone truly sees you at all.
4) They exhaust you without you realizing why
The human brain burns about 20% of the body’s total energy, even when you’re just thinking. When you’re constantly navigating a toxic person’s moods, words, and hidden meanings, it’s no wonder you feel drained all the time.
It’s not just the arguments or the obvious conflicts—it’s the endless mental gymnastics. The way you scan their tone before speaking, replay conversations in your head to figure out what went wrong, or brace yourself for how they might react to something completely normal.
You might not even notice it at first. You just feel tired more often. You need more sleep but wake up unrested. Your body is sluggish, your mind is foggy, and somehow, you’re always running on empty.
And yet, they act like you’re the problem. Like you’re just “too sensitive” or “too emotional.” Meanwhile, they’re feeding off your energy while leaving you completely depleted.
5) They make everything feel like your fault
At first, it’s small things. They forget something important, but somehow, it’s because you “didn’t remind them.” They cancel plans last minute, but it’s because you were “too demanding” about making them in the first place.
Then, it escalates. Their bad moods? Your fault for “stressing them out.” Their hurtful words? Your fault for “pushing them too far.” The way they pull away? Your fault for “always needing too much.”
Little by little, you start carrying blame that was never yours to begin with. You question yourself constantly—what if you had said it differently, reacted better, been more patient? What if you really are the problem?
The weight of their mistakes and shortcomings becomes yours to bear. And the more you accept it, the lighter they feel—while you sink further under the pressure of a guilt that was never yours to carry.
6) They keep you walking on eggshells
You never know which version of them you’re going to get.
One moment, they’re affectionate, laughing with you, making you feel like everything is fine. The next, their mood shifts—cold, distant, irritated by something you don’t even understand.
You replay everything in your mind, wondering what you did wrong. Did you say something? Did your tone change? Should you have acted differently?
Over time, you start adjusting yourself before they even react. You soften your words, avoid certain topics, tiptoe around anything that might set them off. You become smaller, quieter, more careful—convincing yourself that if you just do things right, maybe the tension won’t return.
But it always does. Because the problem was never you—it was the control they had over making you live in a constant state of uncertainty.
7) They make you feel like you’re never enough
No matter how much you give, it’s never quite right.
You try to be more understanding, but they still say you’re not supportive enough. You try to communicate better, but they still accuse you of overreacting. You try to meet their needs, but somehow, you always fall short.
They compare you to others—sometimes subtly, sometimes directly. They remind you of all the ways you don’t measure up, all the things you could be doing better, all the reasons they’re unhappy.
And so you keep trying. You push yourself harder, twist yourself into whatever version of you they might finally approve of. But the approval never really comes.
Because it’s not about you being enough. It’s about them making sure you always feel like you’re not.
8) They make you forget who you used to be
One day, you catch a glimpse of yourself—maybe in an old photo, a memory that resurfaces, or a moment of unexpected clarity.
And you realize just how much you’ve changed.
You used to laugh more easily. You used to feel confident in your own skin. You had dreams, passions, opinions that felt like they belonged to you. But now? You hesitate before speaking. You question your worth. You feel like a shadow of the person you once were.
It didn’t happen all at once. It was gradual, piece by piece. A slow erosion of your spirit, masked as love, disguised as care.
But love doesn’t strip you down to nothing. Love doesn’t make you forget who you are.
The bottom line
If these signs feel familiar, it’s not because you’re imagining things or being too sensitive. It’s because something inside you already knows the truth.
Toxic love doesn’t always come with red flags waving in your face. Sometimes, it’s a slow unraveling—of your confidence, your energy, your sense of self. By the time you realize what’s happening, you’ve already lost pieces of yourself along the way.
Healing starts with recognizing what you’ve been through. It means acknowledging the ways you’ve been drained without blaming yourself for it. It means understanding that real love should never leave you feeling empty.
The path back to yourself won’t be instant, but every step toward self-respect and emotional freedom is worth taking. If you’re ready to rebuild your sense of self and set stronger boundaries, this guide on unbreakable self-worth is a good place to start.
