Eliza Hartley
No matter how much love there is between parents and their grown kids, tension can still creep in.
Sometimes, it’s not the big arguments that cause the most damage—it’s the small, everyday habits that slowly build resentment over time. And often, we don’t even realize we’re doing them.
The way we communicate, the expectations we hold, and the little ways we try to stay connected can either strengthen or strain the relationship.
When we’re not mindful, these subtle habits can create emotional distance, leaving both sides feeling unheard or unappreciated.
The good news? Awareness is the first step to change. Here are eight common habits that may be causing unnecessary emotional strain—and what you can do instead.
1) Assuming you know what’s best for them
As parents, it’s natural to want the best for our kids—even when they’re grown.
But sometimes, this well-meaning instinct can turn into a habit of offering unsolicited advice or pushing our own ideas of success onto them.
When adult children feel like their choices are constantly being questioned or “corrected,” it can create frustration and emotional distance. No one wants to feel like they’re still being parented as if they’re a teenager.
Instead of assuming you know what’s best, try asking open-ended questions and showing genuine curiosity about their decisions.
Giving them space to make their own choices (even if they’re different from what you’d choose) strengthens mutual respect and keeps the relationship healthy.
2) Offering help when it’s not wanted
I learned this one the hard way.
A few years ago, my son was going through a tough time at work. He’d call to vent about his frustrations, and I, wanting to be a supportive parent, would immediately jump in with advice. I’d suggest solutions, offer to connect him with people I knew, and even send him articles that I thought might help.
One day, he finally said, “Mom, I don’t need you to fix this. I just need you to listen.”
That hit me. In my eagerness to help, I wasn’t giving him the space to process things on his own. Instead of feeling supported, he felt like I didn’t trust him to handle his own life.
Since then, I’ve made a conscious effort to ask before offering help: “Do you want advice, or do you just need to vent?” It’s a simple shift, but it’s made a huge difference in our relationship.
3) Bringing up the past
Nothing creates resentment faster than constantly revisiting old mistakes or past conflicts.
I’ve seen this happen in my own family. A small disagreement from years ago would somehow resurface in conversations, even when no one intended to bring it up.
And every time it did, it reopened old wounds and made it harder to move forward.
The truth is, holding onto the past—whether it’s childhood misbehavior, career choices, or old arguments—prevents both parents and adult children from building a relationship based on who they are now.
If something still bothers you, have an honest conversation about it and then let it go.
But if it’s already been resolved, resist the urge to bring it up again. The more you focus on the present, the healthier your connection will be.
4) Not being fully present in conversations
It’s easy to fall into the habit of half-listening—checking your phone, thinking about what you’ll say next, or letting your mind wander while your child is talking.
But when we’re not fully present, our loved ones can feel unheard or unimportant.
Mindfulness teaches us the power of presence. When we truly listen—without distractions or judgment—we strengthen our connections and create a space where both sides feel valued.
In my book, The Art of Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Living in the Moment, I talk about how small shifts in awareness can transform relationships. One of the simplest yet most powerful things we can do is give someone our full attention.
The next time your child calls or visits, try this: put your phone away, make eye contact, and focus entirely on what they’re saying. You might be surprised at how much deeper your conversations become when you’re fully present.
5) Expecting too much contact
It’s hard when the person you once saw every day suddenly has a life of their own—one that doesn’t always include you.
There’s a natural longing to stay close, to hear from them regularly, to feel like an important part of their world. But when those expectations turn into disappointment or guilt-tripping (“You never call me anymore”) it can push them further away instead of bringing them closer.
The reality is, life gets busy. Work, relationships, and personal responsibilities take up time and energy. It’s not about loving you any less—it’s just that they’re navigating their own path.
Instead of focusing on how often they reach out, try appreciating the moments you do have together.
A warm, pressure-free relationship makes them more likely to want to check in—not out of obligation, but because they genuinely enjoy connecting with you.
6) Always trying to keep the peace
It might seem like avoiding conflict is the best way to maintain a good relationship—but sometimes, the opposite is true.
When we constantly tiptoe around uncomfortable topics or brush issues under the rug, resentment can quietly build on both sides. Unspoken frustrations don’t just disappear; they linger, creating emotional distance.
Honest conversations—even when they’re difficult—are what keep relationships strong. It’s okay to disagree. It’s okay to set boundaries. What matters is that both sides feel safe expressing themselves without fear of judgment or withdrawal.
So instead of trying to keep the peace at all costs, focus on creating an environment where open, respectful communication is welcome.
A real relationship isn’t about avoiding discomfort—it’s about working through it together.
7) Making everything about family
Family is important, but as kids grow into adults, they also build their own lives—friendships, careers, relationships, and interests that exist outside of the family unit.
Sometimes, parents unintentionally place too much emphasis on family obligations, expecting their grown kids to prioritize family events, traditions, or dynamics above all else.
Comments like “Family should always come first” or “We’re your real support system”—even when well-intended—can make them feel guilty for investing in other parts of their life.
The truth is, strong relationships aren’t built on obligation; they’re built on mutual respect and understanding. Instead of measuring closeness by how often they show up for family gatherings, try embracing the fact that they are creating a life that fulfills them.
When they feel free to come back on their own terms, they’ll do so with love—not pressure.
8) Not recognizing them as an adult
Nothing creates emotional strain quite like feeling like you’re still being treated as a child.
It can show up in small ways—questioning their decisions, offering advice they didn’t ask for, or assuming they still need your approval.
Even gestures meant to be caring, like reminding them to wear a jacket or double-checking if they paid their bills, can sometimes feel condescending rather than supportive.
Grown children want to be seen for who they are now—not who they were years ago. They want mutual respect, conversations that feel equal, and the freedom to make their own choices without feeling judged.
The best way to stay close isn’t to guide or correct them—it’s to trust them. To acknowledge that they are fully capable of navigating life on their own.
And to show them, through your actions, that you see them as the adult they’ve become.
Bottom line: relationships evolve
Parent-child relationships aren’t meant to stay the same forever. They shift, stretch, and evolve as both sides grow.
Holding onto old dynamics—whether it’s offering too much advice, expecting constant contact, or struggling to let go—can create tension that neither side truly wants.
At the heart of a strong relationship is presence—the ability to engage with your child as they are now, not as who they used to be. In my book, The Art of Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Living in the Moment, I explore how mindfulness can transform the way we connect with others.
When we let go of past expectations and focus on the present, we create space for a relationship built on mutual respect and understanding.
It’s not about being the perfect parent or having the perfect bond—it’s about meeting each other where you are today.
And sometimes, the greatest act of love is simply allowing them to be fully themselves.
