7 subtle but toxic threats narcissists use in relationships, according to psychology

Navigating relationships can be a complex endeavor, especially when faced with the subtle toxicity of narcissistic behavior.

Narcissism isn’t always overt grandiosity or arrogance.

Sometimes, it manifests in covert threats that undermine the self-esteem and autonomy of those involved.

Psychology offers us a lens through which we can identify these masked tactics.

By understanding these manipulative strategies, we empower ourselves to foster healthier relationships based on respect and mutual understanding.

Here we delve into seven less obvious but equally damaging threats narcissists employ in relationships:

1) Gaslighting

A relationship with a narcissist often involves a psychological manipulation technique known as gaslighting.

Gaslighting, a term inspired by the 1944 film “Gaslight”, is when someone manipulates you into doubting your own reality—it’s a form of emotional abuse that can be subtle yet incredibly toxic.

Imagine having your feelings, thoughts, or experiences dismissed or invalidated repeatedly.

The narcissist might suggest that you’re being too sensitive, misremembering events or outright making things up.

Over time, this can lead to a sense of confusion and self-doubt.

The purpose of gaslighting is to gain power and control by making the victim question their own perception and sanity.

It’s a way for the narcissist to avoid accountability and maintain their self-perceived superiority.

Recognizing gaslighting can be challenging due to its covert nature, but awareness is the first step towards reclaiming your truth and personal autonomy in the face of such manipulation.

2) Subtle devaluation

Another toxic threat in relationships with narcissists is the subtle devaluation of your accomplishments and even your identity.

This is often done in such an insidious manner that you might not even realize it’s happening.

You may find yourself constantly striving to prove your worth, only to have it dismissed or belittled.

I’ve personally experienced this in my past, and it’s like a slow poison that eats away at your self-esteem over time.

It’s a tactic used by narcissists to maintain control and keep you in a state of self-doubt.

The antidote to this is recognizing the pattern and asserting your worth.

Remember, no one else has the right to define your value or your success.

Renowned psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “The only person who is educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”

This quote reminds us that self-growth and adaptability are key to overcoming such challenges.

It’s a call to embrace our inherent worth and resist any attempts to undermine it.

3) Weaponizing guilt

Narcissists are masters at manipulating emotions, and one of their favorite tools is guilt.

They use it to control, punish, and manipulate their partners into submitting to their demands.

In these situations, you might find yourself feeling guilty for things that aren’t your fault or responsibility.

The narcissist might blame you for their own shortcomings or mistakes, making you feel like you’re in the wrong even when you’re not.

This is why it’s important to understand the difference between healthy guilt—which encourages personal responsibility—and toxic guilt that’s used as a weapon.

One way to combat this is by developing strong emotional boundaries and learning to recognize when you’re being manipulated by guilt.

I delve deeper into this topic in my video about the illusion of happiness and how chasing it can make us miserable.

It touches on the importance of embracing life’s challenges, fostering meaningful relationships, and staying true to oneself—factors that can help shield against such manipulative tactics.

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4) Control through dependence

Narcissists often create a dynamic of dependence to maintain control in their relationships.

They might present themselves as the only one who can meet your needs or solve your problems, making you feel reliant on them.

This is not about mutual support or interdependence, which are healthy aspects of a relationship.

Instead, it’s about fostering dependence as a means of control and manipulation.

In order to break free from this toxic dynamic, it’s vital to reclaim your personal power and autonomy.

This is where one of my core beliefs comes into play—true empowerment comes from taking full responsibility for our lives.

Instead of depending on the narcissist to meet your needs or solve your problems, focus on what you can control—your own attitudes, actions, and responses.

Develop your own skills and resources and build supportive networks outside of the relationship.

Remember, you are capable and resilient—you don’t need to rely on someone else for your well-being or happiness.

By embracing this belief, you can begin to reclaim your power from the narcissist’s control.

5) Emotional neglect

Narcissists can be charming and attentive when it suits them, but they often engage in emotional neglect when it doesn’t.

They might dismiss your feelings, ignore your needs, or make you feel invisible.

Emotional neglect is a subtle form of abuse that can leave deep scars.

It’s a way for the narcissist to assert control and diminish your self-worth, making you more susceptible to their manipulation.

This ties directly into one of my core beliefs—the transformative power of self-awareness and personal growth.

By recognizing the signs of emotional neglect, you can start to heal and build stronger emotional boundaries.

In my video on the importance of self-love, I share a powerful mirror exercise featuring five questions that can help you reclaim your inherent worth from the damaging effects of emotional neglect.

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6) Projection

‘Projection’ is a psychological defense mechanism where a person attributes their own undesirable thoughts, feelings, or behaviors to someone else.

In the context of a relationship with a narcissist, they might accuse you of the very things they are guilty of.

For instance, a narcissist who is being unfaithful may accuse their partner of infidelity, or a narcissist who is constantly lying may call their partner dishonest.

This can lead to confusion, self-doubt, and a skewed perception of reality.

The key to dealing with this is staying grounded in your own truth and not allowing the narcissist’s projections to define you.

This aligns with my belief in the importance of self-awareness and personal growth.

By doing the inner work to confront our fears and cultivate self-compassion, we can hold onto our truth in the face of such distortions.

7) Triangulation

Triangulation is a manipulative strategy often used by narcissists to maintain control and sow discord.

This involves using a third person to create tension, competition, or jealousy, effectively diverting attention away from the narcissist’s own behaviour.

For example, a narcissist might share details of their past relationships to make you feel insecure or inadequate.

They may also pit you against others, creating a sense of rivalry where you feel the need to compete for their approval.

Triangulation can be incredibly damaging, fostering an environment of mistrust and instability.

It’s crucial to recognize this tactic and not allow it to manipulate your perceptions or relationships.

This aligns with my belief in the profound importance of supportive communities and authentic relationships.

Instead of getting caught up in the narcissist’s divisive games, focus on fostering genuine connections based on mutual respect and cooperation.

Remember, you are not in competition with anyone for the narcissist’s approval.

Your worth is not determined by their manipulations, but by your own intrinsic values and actions.

Embracing your resilience

Navigating the maze of narcissistic behaviors can be a daunting task, but understanding these subtle threats equips us with the ability to foster healthier relationships.

The journey towards recovery from a toxic relationship is often layered with self-doubt, confusion, and pain.

However, it also holds within it an opportunity for profound personal growth and resilience.

Whether it’s recognizing the signs of gaslighting, resisting control through dependence, or dealing with emotional neglect, your strength in handling these challenges signals your inherent power.

Remember, you are not defined by someone else’s manipulations.

Your worth stems from your own inner qualities, values, and actions.

In this journey towards recovery and self-empowerment, always remember to embody empathy, authenticity, and respect—for others and most importantly, for yourself.

These are the cornerstones of healthier relationships and a more fulfilling life.

The challenges you face today are shaping you into a stronger, more self-aware individual.

Embrace this journey as your path to personal freedom and resilience.

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Justin Brown

Justin Brown is an entrepreneur and thought leader in personal development and digital media, with a foundation in education from The London School of Economics and The Australian National University. As the co-founder of Ideapod, The Vessel, and a director at Brown Brothers Media, Justin has spearheaded platforms that significantly contribute to personal and collective growth. His deep insights are shared on his YouTube channel, JustinBrownVids, offering a rich blend of guidance on living a meaningful and purposeful life.

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