7 signs an introverted narcissist is quietly draining your energy, according to psychology

For years, I thought energy vampires were just dramatic buzzwords. You know, those people who suck the life out of you in obvious, over-the-top ways.

But then I came across something that completely shifted my perspective: introverted narcissists.

They’re not loud or flashy—they don’t need to be. Instead, they quietly slip under your radar, draining you in ways you don’t even notice until you’re completely worn out. And trust me, they’re way harder to spot than you think.

As a long-time psychology enthusiast and someone who’s spent years exploring human behavior, I’ve come to realize just how sneaky these types of narcissists can be—and how damaging their behavior is to your mental and emotional well-being.

In this article, I’m going to share 7 signs that an introverted narcissist might be quietly draining your energy. Let’s dive in.

1) They make every conversation about themselves

It’s not obvious at first—they don’t dominate the conversation in a loud, attention-seeking way. Instead, they’ll casually redirect the focus to their experiences, struggles, or achievements, leaving yours as an afterthought.

For example, you might share something personal or exciting, and instead of engaging with what you’ve said, they’ll respond with something like, “That reminds me of the time I…” or “I know exactly how that feels because I…”

It’s sneaky but consistent, and over time it can leave you feeling unheard and dismissed.

What makes this draining is the lack of balance. You give your attention and energy to them, but when it’s your turn to share, it feels like hitting a wall. Conversations become one-sided, leaving you feeling emotionally depleted without even realizing why.

Pay attention to how you feel after spending time with them. If you often walk away feeling unseen or unimportant, this might be a sign they’re subtly pulling your energy toward themselves.

2) They play the victim to gain your sympathy

Let’s call my friend “Jake.” At first, Jake seemed like the quiet, introspective type—someone who didn’t seek the limelight but had a lot going on beneath the surface.

But over time, I noticed a pattern: every conversation with him somehow turned into a laundry list of how unfair life was to him.

If I shared a problem or frustration, Jake would immediately downplay it and launch into his own struggles. His boss didn’t appreciate him, his friends were always letting him down, and nobody ever truly understood him. At first, I wanted to help—I mean, who wouldn’t?

But before long, I started feeling emotionally drained. No matter how much support or advice I gave, it was never enough.

Looking back now, that quote perfectly describes Jake’s behavior—his constant victimhood was a way of avoiding responsibility for his own life while pulling others (like me) into his emotional spiral.

What I realized is that introverted narcissists often use this tactic to quietly siphon your energy. Their “poor me” routine hooks you in because it plays on your empathy. You end up carrying their emotional baggage while they take none of the weight themselves. 

3) They give backhanded compliments

I used to work with someone who was a master at giving compliments that didn’t feel like compliments at all. Let’s call her “Emily.” On the surface, Emily seemed polite and reserved—never the type to stir up drama.

But every now and then, she’d drop a comment that left me wondering whether I should feel flattered or insulted.

One time, after I had finished a big project I was proud of, she said, “Wow, I didn’t think you’d be able to pull that off—it turned out better than I expected!” At first, I smiled and said thanks, but later, I caught myself replaying her words in my head.

Did she mean it as a compliment or as a dig? Why did it feel so off?

This is one of the sneaky ways introverted narcissists can drain your energy. They keep you on edge by creating little moments of self-doubt. It’s not outright criticism—they’re too subtle for that—but their words are just ambiguous enough to make you question yourself. 

Psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula calls this kind of behavior a form of “covert manipulation,” where the narcissist maintains control by keeping you unsure of your worth.

And that’s exactly how it felt with Emily: instead of celebrating my success, her words left me second-guessing myself and seeking her approval—a cycle that only fed her ego while draining me emotionally.

4) They use passive-aggressive behavior to avoid accountability

Passive-aggressive behavior is classic for an introverted narcissist. They don’t openly demand your energy or attention; instead, they create tension through subtle acts that force you to do the emotional labor of addressing the issue.

What’s worse is that when you do confront them, they often deny any wrongdoing, leaving you feeling frustrated and drained.

In fact, a study published in Personality and Individual Differences found that passive-aggressive behavior is often linked to narcissistic traits, particularly in individuals who avoid direct conflict but still want to maintain control in relationships.

Instead of addressing problems head-on, they manipulate situations to shift blame or make others feel at fault—all while preserving their own image of innocence.

5) They make you feel guilty for setting boundaries

This is a subtle manipulation tactic. Instead of respecting your boundaries, they would twist the situation to make you feel like the bad guy—like being selfish for prioritizing your own needs.

And let me tell you, the emotional toll of constantly having to explain or justify your boundaries is exhausting.

Psychologists refer to this as “guilt-tripping,” a form of emotional manipulation often used by narcissistic individuals to keep others under their control.

According to Dr. Wendy Behary, a leading expert on narcissism, guilt-tripping is a way for narcissists—introverted or otherwise—to shift the focus back onto themselves by making you question your own actions and priorities.

Setting boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s necessary for your mental and emotional well-being. If someone in your life constantly makes you feel guilty for protecting your energy, it’s a red flag that they might be quietly draining you.

Stand firm in your boundaries, and remember: their reaction says more about them than it does about you.

6) They subtly dismiss your feelings and experiences

This is another hallmark of an introverted narcissist: rather than overtly attacking you, they quietly dismiss your emotions or experiences in a way that makes you question yourself.

It’s subtle but incredibly draining because it chips away at your sense of self-worth and makes you feel insignificant.

Psychologist Dr. Susan Whitbourne explains this dynamic well: “Narcissists lack empathy, so they’re unable to see things from other people’s perspectives or validate their emotions.”

Instead, they reduce your experiences to something trivial because they can’t—or won’t—acknowledge anyone else’s emotional reality.

If someone in your life consistently brushes off your feelings or makes you feel small when you open up, take it as a sign that they may be quietly draining your energy. Surround yourself with people who truly listen and validate what you’re going through—you deserve that.

7) They act overly humble to mask their need for control

This one took me years to recognize because it’s so counterintuitive. Most of us don’t associate humility with narcissism, but introverted narcissists often use an exaggerated form of “humbleness” as a disguise.

It’s not the kind of humility that’s genuine—it’s performative and designed to manipulate your perception of them.

This ties into what Dr. Craig Malkin describes in his book Rethinking Narcissism: “Introverted narcissists manipulate by appealing to people’s compassion; their modesty is a tool to make others work harder to make them feel valued.”

Their faux-humility pulls you in and makes you want to give more energy than you’d normally offer.

Here’s a practical tip if you’re dealing with someone like this: when they downplay themselves excessively or fish for validation, resist the urge to shower them with reassurance. This keeps the interaction balanced and helps protect your energy from being siphoned away.

Protecting your energy starts with awareness

Dealing with an introverted narcissist can be exhausting, especially because their tactics are so subtle. 

Once you’ve identified the behavior, set clear boundaries and stick to them. Remember, boundaries aren’t about punishing others—they’re about honoring yourself. Don’t feel obligated to explain or justify them; a simple “I can’t do that right now” is enough.

Finally, prioritize relationships with people who uplift and support you. As the saying goes, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” Protect your energy by surrounding yourself with those who give as much as they take.

By doing this, you’ll create space for healthier, more fulfilling connections in your life.