Eliza Hartley
We all love to laugh. Humor can bring people together, lighten tough situations, and make life more enjoyable.
But what happens when someone uses jokes to tear you down instead of lift you up? When humor becomes a disguise for something much darker—emotional abuse?
Narcissists are experts at this. They know how to twist words, making you second-guess yourself while they hide behind playful remarks.
And if you call them out? Suddenly, you’re the one who can’t take a joke.
The truth is, real humor doesn’t leave you feeling small, confused, or hurt.
If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation feeling off but couldn’t quite put your finger on why, chances are you’ve encountered one of these eight phrases narcissists use to disguise their cruelty as comedy.
1) “I’m just being honest.”
Honesty is great—when it’s coming from a place of kindness and sincerity.
But when a narcissist says, “I’m just being honest,” it’s usually an excuse to say something cruel under the guise of truth.
They’ll make harsh, unnecessary comments about your appearance, personality, or abilities, then act as if they’re doing you a favor by “telling it like it is.”
And if you feel hurt? That’s on you for being too sensitive.
Real honesty isn’t about tearing people down—it’s about communicating with respect and care.
If someone consistently uses “honesty” as a weapon, chances are, they’re not being truthful; they’re being manipulative.
2) “Can’t you take a joke?”
I remember a time when a so-called friend would constantly make digs at me in front of others.
He’d poke fun at my insecurities, bring up embarrassing moments from my past, and even mock my passions—all with a smirk on his face.
Whenever I told him his jokes were hurtful, he’d roll his eyes and say, “Can’t you take a joke?” Suddenly, I was the problem. I was the one being “too serious” or “too sensitive.”
But here’s the thing: humor isn’t supposed to make you feel small. Real jokes are meant to make everyone laugh, not just the person telling them.
If someone consistently uses humor to put you down, only to blame you for feeling hurt, they aren’t joking—they’re manipulating.
3) “You’re too sensitive.”
When someone’s words hurt you, it’s natural to speak up. But narcissists have a way of flipping the script, making you feel like the problem for having emotions in the first place.
Telling someone they’re “too sensitive” is a classic gaslighting tactic.
It makes you doubt your own feelings, question your reactions, and even wonder if you’re overreacting when, in reality, your feelings are completely valid.
Studies show that emotionally abusive individuals often target those with high levels of empathy because they know these people are more likely to second-guess themselves.
The more they can make you believe you’re “too sensitive,” the easier it becomes for them to keep pushing boundaries without consequence.
4) “I was just kidding.”
Narcissists love to test boundaries, and one of their favorite ways to do it is through so-called jokes.
They’ll say something cruel—something that stings—and watch how you react. If you seem hurt or call them out, they’ll immediately backtrack with, “I was just kidding.”
But here’s the thing: jokes are supposed to be funny for everyone, not just the person telling them.
If someone repeatedly makes cutting remarks and then hides behind humor, they’re not joking—they’re gauging how much they can get away with.
Over time, this tactic can make you hesitant to speak up, afraid of being labeled as uptight or humorless. But recognizing this pattern is the first step in breaking free from it.
5) “You’re overreacting.”
I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard this phrase—usually after voicing a completely reasonable concern.
Narcissists use “You’re overreacting” to dismiss your feelings and make you question your own judgment.
It’s a way to downplay their hurtful words or actions while shifting the blame onto you for reacting in the first place.
I used to wonder if I really was overreacting. Maybe I was making a big deal out of nothing? But the truth is, if something upsets you, it matters.
Your feelings aren’t dramatic or exaggerated—they’re real. And anyone who truly respects you will acknowledge them instead of brushing them aside.
6) “I wouldn’t have said it if it weren’t true.”
This one sounds convincing at first. If someone says something, it must have some truth to it, right?
But that’s exactly how narcissists manipulate—by making hurtful remarks seem like undeniable facts.
They’ll criticize your intelligence, appearance, or abilities and then justify it with “I wouldn’t have said it if it weren’t true.”
It’s meant to make you doubt yourself, to make you believe their words hold more weight than your own perception.
But here’s the reality: just because someone says something doesn’t make it true. People project their own insecurities, biases, and need for control onto others all the time.
The real question isn’t whether their words are true—it’s whether they’re kind, constructive, or even worth listening to at all.
7) “Everyone else thinks so too.”
Narcissists love to make you feel isolated, and one of the easiest ways they do this is by making it seem like everyone agrees with them.
They’ll say something hurtful, and if you push back, they’ll follow up with “Everyone else thinks so too.”
Suddenly, it’s not just their opinion—it’s a fact, backed by an invisible crowd that you can’t even confirm.
But here’s the truth: most of the time, there is no “everyone else.” It’s just them. Even if others do share similar thoughts, that doesn’t make their words any less cruel or manipulative.
Real friends and caring people don’t gang up on you—they communicate with honesty and respect.
8) “I guess I’m the bad guy then.”
At first, this sounds like an apology—but it’s anything but.
Instead of taking responsibility, narcissists use this phrase to flip the situation and make you feel guilty for calling them out.
By playing the victim, they shift the focus away from their hurtful behavior and onto your reaction.
Suddenly, you’re the one reassuring them, making sure they don’t feel bad for something they absolutely should feel bad about.
Healthy relationships don’t require you to walk on eggshells or comfort someone who just hurt you.
If someone consistently makes you feel guilty for standing up for yourself, that’s not humor—that’s manipulation.
Recognizing manipulation for what it is
If you’ve read this far, chances are you’ve encountered some of these phrases before—maybe even from someone you trusted.
Because the truth is, emotional abuse doesn’t always look obvious. It doesn’t always come in the form of shouting or blatant insults.
Sometimes, it’s hidden behind humor, disguised as honesty, or framed as “just a joke.”
But real humor doesn’t leave you feeling small. Real honesty doesn’t make you doubt yourself. And real relationships don’t require you to constantly question whether your feelings are valid.
Once you recognize these tactics for what they are, you take away their power. And when someone tries to use them against you again? You’ll see right through it.
