Eliza Hartley
Ever heard the saying “The child is father of the man”?
It’s a poetic way of saying our childhood experiences significantly shape who we become as adults.
And if you ask any psychologist, they’ll tell you there’s a lot of truth to it.
Especially when it comes to emotional neglect during childhood.
It’s subtle. It’s often unintentional. But its effects are profound, influencing our personality traits in ways we might not even realize.
You see, our formative years aren’t called ‘formative’ for nothing. They shape our core self—the good, the bad, and the in-between.
And emotional neglect? Well, it paints a rather complex picture on that canvas, which later manifests as distinct personality traits.
If you’ve ever asked yourself “Why am I the way I am?” or “Why do I react in certain ways?”, you might find some answers in your past.
Curious? Let’s delve into seven personality traits that psychology suggests can stem from childhood emotional neglect.
Remember, this isn’t about blame. It’s about understanding and mindfulness—two key steps toward positive change and self-improvement.
1) Difficulty in recognizing emotions
Here’s the first one.
Have you ever found yourself feeling, well, nothing at all? Or maybe you’ve felt a whirlwind of emotions but couldn’t quite pinpoint what they were?
This could be because of emotional neglect in childhood.
See, when our emotional needs aren’t met as children, we might struggle to understand and identify our own feelings as adults.
Psychology refers to this as “alexithymia” – a fancy term for a complex issue.
It’s like being in an emotional fog. You know there’s something there but it’s difficult to see clearly.
And dealing with this fog? It can lead us to suppress our emotions, causing further difficulty in understanding them.
But remember, acknowledging this is the first step towards fostering emotional intelligence and self-awareness.
And with mindfulness and some work, we can learn to navigate our way through the emotional fog.
2) Fear of dependency
Now, this is something I can personally relate to.
Growing up, I always prided myself on being fiercely independent.
I was the one who would insist on doing things by myself, even if it meant struggling a bit. “I can handle it,” I’d tell myself.
Looking back, I realize this wasn’t just about being self-sufficient. It was more of a fear— a fear of depending on others.
You see, children who experience emotional neglect often learn to rely solely on themselves.
They grow up believing that their needs are unimportant, or worse, a burden to others.
This belief can carry into adulthood, manifesting as an irrational fear of dependency. It becomes difficult to ask for help, even when we desperately need it.
But understanding this pattern has helped me realize that it’s okay to lean on others sometimes.
Self-reliance is good, but so is interdependence. It’s all about finding the right balance.
3) Perfectionism
Perfectionism. Sounds like a good thing, right? Striving for excellence, never settling for mediocrity. But there’s a dark side to it.
A relentless drive to be perfect can sometimes stem from childhood emotional neglect. Sounds odd? Let me explain.
As children, if our emotional needs are overlooked, we might start believing we’re not good enough. We start thinking that perhaps if we were perfect, we wouldn’t be so easily ignored.
We push ourselves. We strive for flawless performance in every aspect of our lives—work, relationships, even our hobbies.
But perfection is an illusion. It’s a goal we can never truly reach.
And this relentless pursuit can leave us feeling perpetually inadequate, leading to stress and burnout.
I’ve been there. It’s exhausting and it’s lonely.
But it’s crucial to remember that you are enough just as you are. Perfection isn’t the goal here; growth is.
And growth involves making mistakes and learning from them. It’s okay not to be perfect. It’s human.
4) Deflecting compliments
Ever noticed how some people—maybe even you—tend to brush off compliments?
A simple “You look nice today” or “Great job on that presentation” gets met with a dismissive “Oh, this old thing?” or “It was nothing really.”
This might seem like modesty on the surface, but it can actually be a sign of something deeper.
Children who have experienced emotional neglect often grow up with a distorted self-image.
They feel unworthy of praise and find it hard to believe that they could genuinely be deserving of a compliment.
In turn, this can lead to deflecting praise or dismissing it altogether.
But here’s a thought: Next time someone gives you a compliment, try accepting it graciously. It’s not just about acknowledging the kind gesture; it’s about acknowledging your worth.
5) Difficulty in building close relationships
It was psychologist John Bowlby who first introduced the concept of attachment theory.
According to this theory, our early interactions with caregivers heavily influence our ability to form secure relationships later in life.
And guess what? Emotional neglect in childhood can definitely throw a wrench in that process.
You see, healthy attachments in childhood are formed when emotional needs are consistently met.
When they aren’t, it can be tough to build close, trusting relationships as an adult.
Why? Because if the people who were supposed to care for us let us down, it’s easy to expect the same from others.
It’s like a protective shield—we keep people at arm’s length so we don’t get hurt.
And while it might seem like a good defense mechanism, it can also lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness.
But the good news is this pattern isn’t set in stone. It takes time and effort, but building deeper connections is definitely within reach.
After all, we humans are wired for connection.
6) Overly self-reliant
This one hits close to home for a lot of us.
When emotional needs aren’t met in childhood, we learn to take care of ourselves. We become our own cheerleaders, our own safe spaces.
We become overly self-reliant.
And while this self-sufficiency can be a strength, it can also be isolating. It can make us feel like we have to weather life’s storms alone, which isn’t true.
It’s okay to reach out. It’s okay to share your worries, your fears, your joys, and your victories with others.
You don’t always have to carry the world on your shoulders. Sometimes, it’s okay to let someone else share the load.
Self-reliance is a survival skill learned from a place of necessity. But as adults, we have the ability to create supportive networks around us. You’re not alone.
7) Chronic self-doubt
At the heart of many of these traits lies a pervasive sense of self-doubt.
When our emotional needs go unmet in childhood, we can internalize a belief that we’re somehow flawed, that we’re not deserving of care and attention.
This can manifest as chronic self-doubt in adulthood. Every decision, every action is second-guessed.
We constantly question our worth, our abilities, our very place in the world.
But let me tell you this: You are not flawed. You are deserving of care, love, and respect, just like everyone else.
Your past experiences don’t define your worth. And it’s never too late to start believing in yourself.
Embracing the journey
If you see yourself in these traits, know this – you’re not alone.
And more importantly, these traits do not define you. They’re a part of your story, sure, but they’re not the full narrative.
Seeing these patterns in yourself is a sign of self-awareness, the first step towards change.
The beauty of being human is our capacity for growth and transformation.
How do you move forward? Start by acknowledging these traits. Understand they stem from experiences that were beyond your control as a child.
Then, give yourself permission to heal. Engage in self-care, seek therapy if you feel it might help, practice mindfulness.
There’s no ‘one-size-fits-all’ approach here. It’s about what works best for you.
It won’t be an overnight change. Healing is a process, and it takes time.
But each step you take towards understanding and accepting yourself is a victory worth celebrating.
Remember: Your past may have shaped you, but it doesn’t have to define your future. You have the power to rewrite your narrative.
Embrace this journey towards self-discovery and healing with kindness and patience. Because you, my friend, are worth it.
