People who had nobody to rely on growing up usually develop these traits as adults, says a psychologist

For years, I’ve been fascinated by the impact of our upbringing on our adult lives.

Hi, I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder of Hack Spirit and a self-proclaimed psychology enthusiast.

Growing up, I was lucky enough to have a strong support system. But I’ve always wondered: what happens to those who didn’t have that privilege?

I mean, how does it affect them as adults?

Over the years, I’ve noticed some commonalities among my friends and acquaintances who didn’t have anyone to rely on growing up. And to make sense of it all, I turned to psychology.

In this article, I’m going to share some interesting insights that a psychologist shared with me about the usual traits that people who had nobody to rely on growing up develop as adults.

I hope these insights can help you understand yourself better or even shed some light on why some people act the way they do.

Let’s dive in.

1) Independence

The first trait that a psychologist pointed out to me was independence.

For those who had nobody to rely on growing up, self-reliance becomes second nature. They’ve always had to figure things out on their own, and that doesn’t just go away when they become adults.

This independence can be a double-edged sword. On one hand, it can lead to resilience and adaptability. These individuals often excel at problem-solving and are not easily fazed by challenges.

On the other hand, it can also create a barrier to asking for help when it’s needed. They’re so used to doing things alone that reaching out can feel uncomfortable or even impossible.

If you identify with this trait, know that it’s okay to ask for help. Remember, everyone needs support from time to time. It doesn’t make you any less strong or independent.

So next time you’re faced with a problem or an overwhelming situation, try reaching out to someone you trust. You might be surprised by how much lighter you feel sharing your burden with someone else.

2) Hyper-vigilance

The second trait that the psychologist mentioned was hyper-vigilance – a state of constant alertness to potential threats.

I’ll be honest, this one resonated with me.

Growing up, I was always on high alert. I was constantly scanning the room, trying to pick up on any signs of trouble before they escalated. It was exhausting, but it was also my survival mechanism.

As an adult, this hyper-vigilance didn’t just disappear. In fact, it often showed up in my relationships. I found myself overanalyzing every word, every gesture, always looking for signs of conflict or rejection.

This constant state of alertness can be incredibly draining. It’s like running a marathon with no finish line in sight.

But here’s the thing: Understanding this trait is the first step towards overcoming it.

As the famous psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

So if you find yourself constantly on high alert, know that it’s okay. It’s a coping mechanism you developed for a reason. But also know that you can learn to let go of this hyper-vigilance. It takes time and patience, but it is possible.

After all, we all deserve to feel safe and at peace in our own lives.

3) Emotional self-regulation

The third trait that stood out was the ability to self-regulate emotions.

Growing up without a reliable support system meant that I had to learn how to manage my emotions on my own. I couldn’t rely on others to soothe me or help me make sense of what I was feeling.

As an adult, this translated into a strong capacity for emotional self-regulation. I developed the ability to recognize and manage my emotions, which has proven invaluable in navigating life’s ups and downs.

But don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t always smooth sailing. There were times when I struggled to acknowledge certain emotions, particularly the uncomfortable ones like sadness or anger.

I’ve since learned that it’s okay to feel these emotions. They’re a natural part of life and ignoring them only leads to more pain down the line.

So if you find yourself struggling with certain emotions, remember that it’s okay to feel them. Allow yourself to sit with them, acknowledge them, and then let them go.

4) High levels of empathy

The fourth characteristic that many who grew up without a reliable support system develop is high levels of empathy.

Interestingly, I’ve noticed this trait in my own life as well. I’ve always had a knack for picking up on other people’s emotions, and as it turns out, there’s a good reason for that.

Children who grow up in challenging environments often develop heightened empathy. They become highly attuned to the emotions of others as a survival mechanism.

The researchers found that these individuals are often more perceptive and sensitive to the emotions and needs of others around them. In essence, they’ve turned their struggles into a strength that enables them to connect deeply with others.

But like anything, there’s a balance to be struck. While empathy can lead to strong connections, it can also lead to emotional burnout if not managed properly.

So if you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by others’ emotions, remember to take care of your own emotional wellbeing too. It’s not selfish—it’s necessary.

5) Resilience

The fifth and final trait that often develops in those who had no one to rely on growing up is resilience.

Resilience is the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties, and it’s something that I’ve seen time and time again in those who have had to fend for themselves from an early age.

When you’re used to facing and overcoming challenges on your own, you develop a certain toughness. You learn that you can handle what life throws at you, and this knowledge gives you the confidence to face future obstacles head on.

But here’s the thing about resilience: it’s not about never falling down; it’s about getting back up every time you do.

So if you’re feeling knocked down by life right now, remember this: You are stronger than you think. You’ve overcome challenges in the past, and you can do it again.

As psychologist Albert Bandura once said, “In order to succeed, people need a sense of self-efficacy, to struggle together with resilience to meet the inevitable obstacles and inequities of life.”

So keep going. Keep fighting. You’ve got this.

6) Self-sufficiency

The sixth trait that often develops in those who had nobody to rely on growing up is self-sufficiency.

I’ve always prided myself on being self-sufficient. Growing up, I quickly learned that I couldn’t count on others to take care of me or solve my problems. It was up to me to pave my own path.

As an adult, this trait has served me well. It’s allowed me to navigate life’s challenges with confidence and a sense of capability.

However, it’s also important to remember that self-sufficiency doesn’t mean you have to do everything alone.

Renowned psychologist Erik Erikson once said, “Life doesn’t make any sense without interdependence. We need each other, and the sooner we learn that, the better for us all.”

So while it’s great to be able to take care of yourself, don’t forget about the importance of connection and interdependence. Reach out to others, ask for help when you need it, and remember – we’re all in this together.

7) Difficulty trusting others

The seventh trait may be a bit counterintuitive, but it’s something I’ve noticed both in myself and in others who had nobody to rely on growing up – a difficulty in trusting others.

It makes sense when you think about it. If you’ve been let down by the people who were supposed to support you, it’s only natural to be wary of relying on others.

But here’s the thing – while being cautious can protect us from being hurt again, it can also prevent us from forming deep, meaningful relationships.

So what can we do about this?

Well, building trust is a process. It takes time and it involves taking risks. But it’s also incredibly rewarding.

Here’s a practical tip: Start small. If you’re struggling with trust issues, try opening up to someone about something minor. See how they respond. If they handle your trust well, consider sharing something a bit deeper next time.

Conclusion

Growing up without a reliable support system can certainly shape us in profound ways. It can lead to traits like independence, hyper-vigilance, emotional self-regulation, high levels of empathy, resilience, self-sufficiency, and difficulty trusting others.

But remember, while our past can shape us, it doesn’t have to define us.

If you recognize these traits in yourself, know that you’re not alone. Many of us are on this journey of understanding and healing together.

So keep going. Keep growing. And remember to be kind to yourself along the way.

And here’s one last piece of advice: Reach out. Connect with others who’ve had similar experiences. Share your story and listen to theirs. You’d be surprised by how healing it can be.

As the saying goes, “We are not products of our past, but architects of our future.” You have the power to shape your life in the way that you want. So keep moving forward, one step at a time.

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Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 15 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. Check out my latest book on the Hidden Secrets of Buddhism and How it Saved My Life. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Twitter.

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