8 non-obvious signs that you’re talking to a narcissist, according to a psychologist

It’s easy to think you’d spot a narcissist right away.

You picture someone who’s loud, arrogant, and obsessed with themselves—a person who makes everything about them in the most obvious way.

But that’s not always how it works.

Some narcissists don’t fit the stereotype at all. They can be charming, generous, even self-deprecating at times. You walk away from conversations feeling a little off, but you can’t quite put your finger on why.

It’s not just about big egos or constant bragging. The real signs can be much more subtle—hidden in the way they speak, the way they listen (or don’t), and the way they make you feel about yourself without you even realizing it.

Here are 8 non-obvious signs that you’re talking to a narcissist, according to a psychologist.

1) They make you question your own reality

You bring up something they said last week, but suddenly, they insist they never said it.

Or maybe you express how something they did hurt you, and instead of acknowledging it, they turn it around—now you’re the one being “too sensitive” or “overreacting.”

It’s subtle at first. Just little moments where you start doubting yourself.

But over time, this pattern can make you feel like you’re losing your grip on reality. You start apologizing when you’re not even sure what you did wrong. You second-guess your own thoughts and feelings.

This is a form of gaslighting, and it’s a common tactic narcissists use—whether they’re aware of it or not. The goal is control. If they can make you question yourself, it becomes easier for them to shape the narrative in their favor.

Pay attention to how often you find yourself feeling confused or unsure after talking to them. If conversations leave you doubting your own memory or emotions, that’s a serious red flag.

2) They never take responsibility for anything

If something goes wrong, it’s never their fault.

They blame their boss, their ex, their childhood, the weather—anything but themselves. And if you ever try to hold them accountable? Suddenly, you’re the problem. You’re “misunderstanding” them, “twisting their words,” or “making a big deal out of nothing.”

I remember a time when I confronted someone close to me about constantly canceling plans at the last minute. I wasn’t angry—I just wanted to understand why it kept happening. But instead of an honest conversation, they immediately got defensive.

They told me I was being unfair because they’d been so stressed lately. That I didn’t appreciate everything they did for me. That if I really cared about them, I would be more understanding.

By the end of the conversation, I was the one apologizing.

But looking back, it was clear: they weren’t willing to take responsibility for anything—not even something as small as a canceled plan.

3) They listen to respond, not to understand

With a narcissist, conversations often feel one-sided—even when they pretend to be engaged.

They might nod along, ask questions, or even repeat your words back to you. But if you pay close attention, something feels off. They’re not really absorbing what you’re saying. They’re just waiting for their turn to speak or looking for a way to steer the conversation back to themselves.

You might share something personal—something that truly matters to you—and instead of sitting with it, they jump in with their own experience that somehow overshadows yours.

“I totally get what you mean,” they’ll say. “That reminds me of when I had it even worse…”

Or they’ll downplay it altogether: “That’s nothing, you’ll be fine.”

The result? You walk away feeling unheard, like your words didn’t really land anywhere. At first, you might brush it off as them being distracted or just not great at deep conversations. But over time, it becomes clear—they don’t listen to connect, they listen to control the direction of the discussion.

4) They give compliments that don’t feel like compliments

Narcissists have a way of making you feel both flattered and uneasy at the same time.

They’ll say something nice, but there’s a twist. Maybe it’s a backhanded compliment: “You actually look really good today.” Or maybe it’s framed in a way that puts them above you: “I love how you don’t care what people think.”

There’s a reason this happens. Studies on narcissistic communication show that their praise often contains subtle dominance cues—little reminders that they’re the one in control. Instead of making you feel valued, their words keep you slightly uncertain, always seeking their approval.

At first, you might rationalize it. You tell yourself they didn’t mean it that way, or that you’re overanalyzing. But deep down, you feel it—their words leave you questioning whether they were really meant to lift you up or just keep you in check.

5) They make jokes at your expense

At first, it seems harmless. A little teasing, a playful jab, a joke that pushes the line just a bit.

But then it keeps happening.

They make fun of something you’re insecure about, mock your interests, or imitate you in a way that feels… off. When you finally speak up, they roll their eyes. “Relax, I’m just joking.” “Wow, can’t you take a little humor?” “You’re too sensitive.”

It’s not about the joke itself—it’s about control. By disguising criticism as humor, they get to undermine you without taking responsibility for it. If you laugh along, they’ve successfully chipped away at your confidence while keeping things “light.” If you don’t, they get to paint you as overly emotional or difficult.

Over time, this dynamic can wear you down. You start questioning whether you really are too sensitive. 

6) They create tension and then act like the peacemaker

One moment, everything feels fine. The next, there’s an argument—except you’re not even sure how it started.

Maybe they suddenly go cold, giving you the silent treatment without explanation. Maybe they make a passive-aggressive comment that stings just enough to throw you off balance. Or maybe they accuse you of something out of nowhere, forcing you to defend yourself against something you didn’t even do.

And then, just as quickly, they shift gears. They act as if nothing happened or position themselves as the one bringing things back to normal. “Let’s not fight,” they’ll say, as if you were the one who caused it. “I just want us to be okay.”

It’s a cycle—one that keeps you emotionally hooked. By creating tension and then “resolving” it, they reinforce the idea that peace only comes from them.

You start feeling grateful when things are good, relieved when they stop being upset, and hesitant to speak up when something bothers you—because deep down, you know they control when things feel okay again.

7) They make you feel guilty for having boundaries

Setting a boundary with a narcissist rarely goes smoothly.

You tell them you can’t talk right now, and suddenly, you’re “neglecting” them. You say no to a favor, and now you’re “selfish.” You ask for space, and somehow, you’re the bad guy for “pushing them away.”

Instead of respecting your limits, they twist them into personal attacks. They make you feel like enforcing your own needs is an act of betrayal. And over time, this guilt starts working against you—you begin second-guessing whether your boundaries are even reasonable in the first place.

Healthy relationships respect boundaries without punishment. But with a narcissist, every attempt to set one turns into a test of loyalty—one where the only right answer is giving in.

8) They make you feel like you’re never enough

No matter what you do, it never seems to be quite right.

You give them attention, but somehow, it’s not the kind they wanted. You try to support them, but they act like you’ll never truly understand. You accomplish something great, and instead of celebrating with you, they downplay it—or worse, act threatened by it.

The goalpost is always moving.

At first, you might work even harder to please them, thinking that if you just do things right, they’ll finally appreciate you. But that moment never comes. Because to a narcissist, keeping you in a state of self-doubt means keeping control.

The bottom line

Recognizing these signs isn’t about labeling someone—it’s about protecting your own well-being.

Narcissistic traits exist on a spectrum, and not everyone who exhibits them is intentionally manipulative.

But the impact on you is what matters. If conversations leave you doubting yourself, feeling small, or questioning your worth, that’s something to pay attention to.

Trust your instincts. If interactions with someone consistently drain you or make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells, you don’t need more proof—it’s already enough.

Boundaries aren’t about pushing people away; they’re about keeping yourself intact. The more you practice honoring your own needs, the clearer it becomes who respects them—and who only benefits when you don’t.