Eliza Hartley
I used to think I was doing my best as a parent. I provided for my children, kept them safe, and did what I thought was right. But as they grew older, I started to see the distance between us—and the resentment in their eyes.
The truth was hard to admit: I wasn’t the parent they needed. I had been parenting from my own fears, expectations, and past experiences, rather than truly seeing and understanding them.
Realizing this was painful, but it also became the beginning of something incredible. Healing our relationship wasn’t easy, but it turned out to be the most rewarding journey of my life. Through patience, self-reflection, and a willingness to change, we found our way back to each other.
Here’s what I learned along the way.
1) Accepting the past without dwelling on it
For a long time, I carried guilt about the mistakes I made as a parent. I replayed moments in my head, wondering how things could have been different if I had just done better.
But I realized something: staying stuck in regret wasn’t helping anyone. My children didn’t need me to punish myself—they needed me to show up differently, starting now.
Healing our relationship began with accepting the past for what it was, without letting it define our future. I had to acknowledge my mistakes, take responsibility, and then focus on making real changes in the present.
Because at the end of the day, growth isn’t about being perfect—it’s about being willing to do better when you know better.
2) Learning to listen instead of defend
When my children finally opened up about their feelings, my first instinct was to explain myself. I wanted them to understand that I had always done my best, that my intentions were good.
But every time I jumped in to defend myself, I could see them shutting down. They weren’t looking for explanations—they just wanted to be heard.
I remember one conversation with my eldest where they told me, “You never really listened to how I felt growing up.” My gut reaction was to deny it, to say, “Of course I did!” But instead, I caught myself and simply asked, “Can you tell me more about that?”
That small shift changed everything. For the first time, they felt safe enough to share their truth without fear of being dismissed. And I finally understood that listening—really listening—was the first step toward rebuilding trust.
3) Showing vulnerability instead of authority
For a long time, I thought being a good parent meant always having the answers. I believed that showing weakness would make me lose my children’s respect.
But the opposite turned out to be true. Studies show that when leaders express vulnerability, they actually strengthen their relationships and increase trust. The same applies to parenting.
When I finally admitted to my children that I had made mistakes—that I didn’t always know what I was doing but that I wanted to do better—it opened the door for real connection. Instead of seeing me as an authority figure they resented, they saw me as a person who was trying, just like them.
And that made all the difference.
4) Prioritizing connection over control
There was a time when I thought my role as a parent was to make sure my children followed the right path—my path. I believed that if I could just guide, correct, and discipline them enough, they would turn out okay.
But control only pushed them further away. The more I tried to dictate their choices, the more resentment grew between us.
What finally shifted our relationship was realizing that connection mattered more than control. Instead of trying to fix or correct them, I started focusing on understanding them. I asked about their thoughts, their dreams, their fears—without judgment or an agenda.
And once they felt truly seen and accepted, everything began to change.
5) Apologizing without expectations
Saying “I’m sorry” wasn’t something I did often. Not because I didn’t regret my mistakes, but because I was afraid it wouldn’t be enough—or worse, that my children wouldn’t forgive me.
But I learned that an apology isn’t about seeking forgiveness. It’s about taking responsibility, without expecting anything in return.
The first time I truly apologized, I didn’t follow it with an explanation or a request to move forward. I simply said, “I know I hurt you, and I’m sorry.” That was it. No defenses, no excuses.
And in that moment, something softened between us. Because sometimes, the people we love don’t need us to fix the past—they just need to know we see it, and that we’re willing to do better.
6) Giving them space to feel how they feel
For a long time, I wanted to rush the healing process. Once I acknowledged my mistakes and apologized, I hoped my children would immediately let go of their resentment so we could move forward.
But healing doesn’t happen on demand. Just because I was ready to make things right didn’t mean they were ready to trust me again.
I had to learn to give them space—to let them process their feelings at their own pace, even when it was uncomfortable for me. Instead of pushing for quick resolution, I focused on being consistent, showing up, and proving through my actions that I had truly changed.
In the end, trust isn’t rebuilt overnight. It grows slowly, in the quiet moments where love is shown rather than demanded.
7) Choosing to love them the way they need, not the way that’s easiest
Love isn’t just about feeling—it’s about action. And sometimes, the way we naturally express love isn’t the way the other person needs to receive it.
I used to show love through providing, problem-solving, and giving advice. But my children needed something different. They needed patience, presence, and emotional support—things that didn’t come as easily to me.
Learning to love them in the way they needed meant stepping outside of my comfort zone. It meant asking, listening, and adjusting, even when it felt unfamiliar.
Because love isn’t about what’s easiest for us—it’s about what truly makes the other person feel safe, valued, and understood.
Bottom line: repairing relationships starts with repairing ourselves
The quality of our relationships is often a reflection of the work we’ve done within ourselves.
Studies in psychology suggest that when parents engage in self-reflection and emotional growth, it positively impacts their children’s well-being—even in adulthood. Healing isn’t just about fixing the past; it’s about becoming the kind of person who can create a better future.
For me, that meant letting go of pride, learning to listen, and showing up in ways I never had before. It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it.
Because at the heart of every broken relationship is a simple truth: people don’t just need words—they need consistency, understanding, and love that meets them where they are.
