Eliza Hartley
There’s a fine line between your children merely enduring your presence and genuinely adoring you. That line often comes down to behavior.
We all have our quirks, our habits, some of which can unknowingly push our kids away. But let me tell you, it’s not just about what you do, but more about what you should stop doing.
If you want your kids to truly love you, not just tolerate you, there are certain behaviors you need to bid farewell to.
In this article, I’ll share the top 7 behaviors that could be hindering that deep connection you crave with your children. By letting go of these, you pave the way for a healthier, happier relationship between parent and child.
So, if you’re ready for some transformative insights in parenting, read on.
1) Constant criticism
Nobody is perfect, and this includes our children. However, there’s a significant difference between providing constructive feedback and constantly criticizing.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of pointing out what our kids could be doing better or how they’re not meeting our expectations. But think about it. Would you enjoy being around someone who always highlights your shortcomings?
Probably not.
Persistent criticism can chip away at a child’s self-esteem and create a barrier in your relationship. It may lead to your children merely tolerating you, rather than loving you.
Instead, try focusing on their strengths, encouraging them, and offering gentle guidance when necessary. This doesn’t mean ignoring their mistakes but addressing them in a positive and respectful manner.
Remember, we’re aiming for a love-filled relationship, not just tolerance. So consider saying goodbye to constant criticism. The transformation in your relationship might just surprise you.
2) Lack of emotional availability
We’ve all heard the saying “actions speak louder than words”, right? Well, it couldn’t be more true when it comes to expressing love and care to our children.
I remember a time when my son had a tough day at school. He had a disagreement with his best friend and came home teary-eyed. I was in the middle of an important work call at the time, so I just offered him a quick hug and then hurried back to my conversation.
Later that evening, he told me how he felt – that I seemed more interested in my work than his feelings. It hit me hard.
Our children crave our emotional presence, our empathy, and understanding. They need us to be there for them, not just physically but emotionally too.
In my haste, I had unintentionally made my son feel less important. It was a wake-up call for me.
If we want our children to genuinely love us and not just put up with us, we need to be emotionally available to them. It’s about being fully present in the moments they need us most.
So let’s bid adieu to emotional unavailability. Trust me; it makes a world of difference.
3) Overbearing control
Striking a balance between setting boundaries and allowing freedom is a critical part of parenting, but an overbearing control can do more harm than good.
A study conducted by the University College London found that children with controlling parents are more likely to have difficulties in their relationships and exhibit lower levels of psychological well-being.
Children, just like us adults, need to experience a sense of independence and autonomy. Yes, it’s essential to guide them and set rules, but excessive control can lead them to feel suffocated and untrusted.
If we want our children to love us, not just endure us, we should consider loosening the reins a bit. Allow them to make mistakes, learn from them, and grow into confident individuals.
Say goodbye to overbearing control and say hello to trust and respect in your relationship with your kids.
4) Neglecting self-care
As parents, we often put our children’s needs before our own. While this comes from a place of love and care, it can inadvertently send the wrong message.
Neglecting our own self-care can lead our children to believe that self-sacrifice is the norm. They may grow up thinking it’s okay to always place others before themselves, potentially leading to burnout and resentment.
In addition, when we’re tired, stressed, or overworked, we’re less likely to be patient, understanding, and present with our kids. This can create a disconnect and lead to them merely tolerating us instead of genuinely loving us.
To foster a deeper bond with our children, it’s important to model good self-care habits. This not only ensures we’re at our best for them, but also teaches them the importance of taking care of their own physical and mental well-being.
So let’s prioritize self-care. It’s not just beneficial for us but also for our relationship with our children.
5) Inconsistent behavior
One of the most frustrating things for a child is dealing with unpredictable parental behavior. It’s something I’ve had to grapple with myself.
There was a period in my life when I was juggling multiple roles – parent, caregiver for an ailing parent, and freelance writer. The stress and exhaustion often resulted in me being moody and inconsistent. One moment I was patient and loving, the next I was short-tempered and irritable.
I noticed my children started to tread carefully around me, unsure of what mood they’d encounter. It made me realize that my inconsistent behavior was creating an environment of uncertainty and tension.
Our children need stability and predictability. It provides them with a sense of security and helps them understand the world around them.
If we want our kids to genuinely love us, not just tolerate us, we need to strive for consistency in our actions and responses. It’s okay to have off-days; we’re human after all. But let’s ensure those days are the exception, not the rule.
Goodbye inconsistency, hello stability.
6) Dismissing their feelings
As adults, we sometimes underestimate the depth and validity of our children’s emotions. We might dismiss their feelings as trivial or insignificant because they’re “just kids”. However, this can lead to feelings of invalidation and frustration in them.
When we dismiss our children’s feelings, we’re communicating that their emotions aren’t important or valid. This can damage our relationship with them and make them feel as though they’re just putting up with us, rather than truly loving us.
Instead, we should acknowledge their feelings, validate them, and guide them in managing these emotions. This helps to build emotional intelligence and fosters a stronger connection between us.
It’s time to say goodbye to dismissing their feelings and say hello to emotional validation. It’s a simple change that can have a profound impact on our relationship with our children.
7) Lack of quality time
In our fast-paced world, it’s easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life and overlook the importance of quality time with our children. But here’s the thing: our presence means more to our kids than presents.
Quality time is about fully engaging with our children, showing interest in their lives, and creating meaningful experiences together. It’s during these moments that we build strong bonds and create memories that last a lifetime.
If we want our children to genuinely love us, not just tolerate us, we need to prioritize spending quality time with them. So, let’s say goodbye to being ‘too busy’ and hello to creating precious moments together.
Remember, it’s not about having time; it’s about making time. That’s the secret sauce to fostering a love-filled relationship with your children.
Final thoughts: It’s all about love
The complexities of parent-child relationships often boil down to the universal principle of love.
If we want our children to genuinely love us, not just tolerate us, our actions must align with this goal. By letting go of these seven behaviors, we pave the path towards a deeper connection with our children— one in which they feel loved, valued and understood.
Parenting isn’t easy, and we’re all bound to make mistakes. But every day presents a new opportunity to be better, to show up for our kids in ways that foster genuine love and connection.
So, take a moment to reflect on your parenting journey. What behaviors could you let go of? What changes could you make today that would bring you closer to your child tomorrow?
Remember, it’s not about being a perfect parent; it’s about being a loving one. That’s the real key to transforming tolerance into love.
