Eliza Hartley
When your kid’s tantrum was the worst problem, you knew a hug or a sweet treat could fix it. But now they’re adults, and things are not that simple anymore.
In fact, adult-child dynamics can be complex and nuanced, requiring patience and understanding to navigate.
But don’t worry, there’s a way to improve that bond. And it starts with kicking eight particular habits to the curb.
Take it from me, someone who has walked this path and learned the hard way. You ready? Let’s dive in!
1) Stop trying to control their life
Let’s face it, we’ve all been there.
As parents, it’s instinctual to want what’s best for our children. And sometimes, without even realizing it, we cross the line from being supportive to being overly controlling.
But here’s the thing – your child is an adult now. They’re capable of making their own decisions and learning from their own mistakes.
When you insist on making choices for them or dictating their path, it doesn’t just frustrate them.
It also undermines their confidence and makes them feel like they’re not capable of running their own lives.
So the next time you feel the urge to step in and take control, take a step back instead. Let your adult child make their own choices. Support them, guide them, but remember – it’s their life to live.
Easier said than done, I know. But trust me, it’s a surefire way to improve your relationship with your adult child.
2) Ditch the ‘I know best’ attitude
I’ll confess, I’ve been guilty of this one more times than I care to admit.
It was about two years ago when my daughter decided to quit her stable job to start her own business.
The ‘practical’ part of me screamed it was a bad idea. I had visions of her struggling, failing and regretting her decision.
I remember sitting her down and telling her all the reasons why she was making a mistake. I spoke with such certainty, as if I knew exactly how her future would unfold.
But then, she looked at me and said something that hit me hard. “Mom, I know you mean well. But you don’t know best. You can’t predict the future any better than I can.”
She was right. I didn’t know best. I was letting my own fears and insecurities cloud my judgement.
So, I took a step back and decided to support her decision, even though it scared me. And guess what?
Today, she runs a successful business she’s passionate about and our relationship has never been better.
The lesson here? You’re not always right, even when it comes to your own child’s life. So let go of the ‘I know best’ attitude and watch your relationship improve.
3) Stop comparing them to others
We live in a world of constant comparison. With social media at our fingertips, it’s easy to fall into the trap of measuring our lives against the highlight reels we see online.
But did you know that the act of comparing your child to others can actually have serious psychological effects?
Studies show that when parents compare their children to others, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and even depression in their kids.
It sends a harmful message that they’re not good enough as they are and that they need to change to be accepted.
Even if the comparison is intended as motivation or an attempt to set a high standard, it’s more likely to create resentment and damage the relationship.
So next time you’re tempted to say “Why can’t you be more like…”, stop yourself.
Appreciate your adult child for who they are, not who you want them to be. It’s a small change that can make a big difference in your relationship.
4) Quit the constant criticism
We all want our kids to be the best versions of themselves. But often, in our pursuit to help them improve, we end up criticizing more than we encourage.
Here’s the thing – constant criticism doesn’t motivate, it demotivates. It makes your adult child feel like they’re never good enough, like they’re always falling short.
And guess what? That’s not conducive to a healthy relationship.
Instead of pointing out what they’re doing wrong all the time, try focusing on what they’re doing right.
Praise their achievements, no matter how small. Encourage their efforts rather than just the outcomes.
Remember, everyone is on their own journey and at their own pace. Be patient, be supportive, and watch your relationship flourish.
5) Let go of your expectations
This one is a bit of a tough pill to swallow, I won’t lie.
We all have dreams and expectations for our children. I know I did. But as they grow up and start making their own choices, we sometimes need to reassess those expectations.
The truth is, our adult children are not extensions of us. They have their own dreams, their own goals, and their own ideas of what happiness looks like.
I remember when my son decided to pursue a career in music instead of going to law school like I had always envisioned.
At first, it was a hard pill to swallow. But then I realized that it was his life, his dreams on the line, not mine.
Letting go of my expectations and supporting his passion not only made him happier but it also brought us closer.
So try it out. Give your child the freedom to be who they want to be, not who you want them to be. It may be difficult at first, but in the end, it’s worth it.
6) Stop trying to solve all their problems
As parents, our instinct is to protect our children and shield them from any harm or distress. But guess what?
Always swooping in to save the day might not be the best approach, especially when dealing with adult children.
Yes, it’s tough to see them struggle or make mistakes. But these experiences are essential for their growth. They teach resilience, problem-solving and independence.
More importantly, when you always rush to fix things, you’re subtly implying that they’re incapable of handling their own issues. This can dent their self-esteem and create unnecessary dependencies.
The next time your adult child is facing a problem, resist the urge to solve it for them. Instead, offer your support and guidance while allowing them to find their own solution.
It might seem counter-productive at first, but it’s a powerful way to boost their confidence and improve your relationship.
7) Avoid using guilt as a manipulation tool
Guilt can be a powerful emotion. Some parents might use it as a tool to manipulate their adult children into doing something they want.
But here’s the problem – using guilt as a tool doesn’t foster a healthy relationship. Instead, it creates resentment, damages trust, and can lead to emotional distress in your child.
It’s okay to express your feelings and share how certain actions might affect you. However, there’s a fine line between expressing your feelings and using them as a tool to control your child’s behavior.
Instead of resorting to guilt, try having an open conversation about your needs and concerns.
You’ll likely find that honesty and clear communication are far more effective for improving your relationship.
8) Remember, respect is a two-way street
This might sound simple, but it’s easily overlooked. Respect isn’t just about your adult child respecting you as a parent. It’s also about you respecting them as an independent adult.
Respect their choices, their boundaries, their lifestyle. Respect their time and their space.
Just like you, they’re navigating through life the best they can. And just like you, they deserve respect every step of the way.
It’s not always easy, but it’s essential for building a strong, healthy relationship with your adult child.
Closing thoughts
As we come to the end of this journey, I hope you are left with a sense of understanding and a resolve to change.
Improving your relationship with your adult child isn’t about blaming or pointing fingers at anyone. It’s about recognizing where we may be going wrong, acknowledging it, and making an effort to change.
At the end of the day, remember that your adult child isn’t just your kid anymore. They are an individual, with their own dreams, desires, and struggles. Respect that individuality and celebrate it.
Don’t let outdated habits hold you back from a fulfilling relationship with your adult child.
After all, parenthood isn’t just about raising children, it’s about growing with them. And sometimes, growth involves change. So embrace it, for a healthier and happier relationship with your adult child.
