Minh Tran
I used to say “yes” to everything; favors I didn’t have time for, plans I didn’t want to go to, and even people who took more than they gave.
Deep down, I was afraid that if I said “no,” I’d disappoint people—or worse, lose them.
So I kept stretching myself thin, thinking that being agreeable meant being loved.
But over time, I realized something: Constantly saying “yes” wasn’t making me happier. It was making me exhausted, resentful, and disconnected from myself.
Learning to set boundaries wasn’t easy, but it changed everything—and here’s how I finally did it:
1) I thought saying “yes” would make people like me
For the longest time, I believed that being agreeable was the key to maintaining relationships.
If I said “yes” to every request, every invitation, every demand—people would see me as reliable, kind, and easy to be around.
And in some ways, it worked—people did appreciate me.
But deep down, I wasn’t happy.
I was stretching myself thin, constantly prioritizing others over myself, and ignoring my own needs just to keep the peace.
What I didn’t realize back then was that real connections aren’t built on how much you sacrifice for others.
They’re built on honesty, respect, and mutual understanding. And sometimes, that means saying “no.”
2) I felt guilty every time I tried to say “no”
I remember one time a friend asked me for a favor—something that would take up my entire weekend.
Yet, I was already exhausted from work and desperately needed time to rest, but the moment I considered saying “no,” guilt hit me like a wave.
What if they thought I didn’t care? What if they got upset? What if this one “no” made them stop reaching out to me altogether?
So, of course, I said “yes;” I spent the entire weekend drained, frustrated, and silently resenting them—not because they asked for help, but because I hadn’t respected my own limits.
It took me a long time to understand that guilt doesn’t always mean I’m doing something wrong.
Sometimes, it just means I’m breaking an old habit—one that wasn’t serving me in the first place.
3) People-pleasing is a learned behavior
No one is born afraid to say “no.”
The need to constantly please others usually comes from past experiences—whether it’s growing up in a household where love felt conditional or being in relationships where setting boundaries led to rejection.
Over time, the brain starts associating saying “no” with danger—the danger of disappointing someone, of conflict, of being abandoned.
Because the brain is wired for survival, it pushes us to avoid that discomfort at all costs, even if it means neglecting our own needs.
Just as people-pleasing is learned, it can also be unlearned.
It takes practice, self-awareness, and a willingness to sit with the discomfort instead of running from it.
Once you do, you realize that saying “no” doesn’t push people away—it reveals who truly respects you.
4) The right people won’t leave just because you set boundaries
One of my biggest fears was that if I started saying “no,” people would walk away.
I thought that my value in their lives depended on how much I could give, how much I could do, and how much of myself I was willing to sacrifice.
But when I finally started setting boundaries, something surprising happened—the people who truly cared about me stayed.
They respected my limits, understood my needs, and didn’t see my “no” as a rejection of them.
The only ones who had a problem with it were the ones who benefited from me having none.
Honestly? Losing those relationships wasn’t the loss I thought it would be. It was freedom.
5) I had to get comfortable with disappointing people
At first, setting boundaries felt awful. I
could see the disappointment on people’s faces when I turned down a request or said I couldn’t help this time.
Every part of me wanted to take it back, to fix it, to make them happy again.
But I had to remind myself: I am not responsible for managing other people’s emotions.
Their disappointment wasn’t a sign that I was doing something wrong—it was just a natural reaction to change.
The more I stood my ground, the easier it became.
Over time, I realized that the people who truly valued me didn’t hold my “no” against me.
They adjusted, just like I was learning to do.
6) Saying “no” actually made my relationships stronger
For so long, I thought that always saying “yes” was the key to keeping relationships intact.
But the more I gave in, the more I started feeling drained, resentful, and disconnected—from myself and from others.
When I finally started setting boundaries, I worried it would push people away.
Instead, something unexpected happened: my relationships improved.
Conversations became more honest, interactions felt lighter, and I no longer carried the silent resentment that came from constantly overextending myself.
By respecting my own limits, I taught others how to respect them too.
In doing so, I built connections that were based on mutual understanding—not just obligation.
7) Boundaries didn’t make me selfish—they made me self-respecting
For a long time, I thought that putting myself first meant I was being selfish.
I worried that by setting boundaries, I was letting people down or acting like I didn’t care.
But I’ve come to realize that boundaries aren’t about shutting people out—they’re about letting them in on my terms.
They’re a way of valuing my own time, energy, and well-being just as much as I value others’.
The truth is: Constantly sacrificing myself for others didn’t make me a better friend, partner, or family member. It just made me exhausted.
When I finally started respecting myself, the people who truly mattered respected me even more.
8) Saying “no” is actually saying “yes”—to myself
Every time I say “no” to something that drains me, overwhelms me, or takes more than I can give, I’m actually saying “yes”—to my peace, my energy, and my well-being.
I used to think that setting boundaries was about keeping others at a distance.
But really, it’s about choosing myself, over and over again—and that’s a choice I’m no longer afraid to make.
Learning to say no is learning to value yourself
If you’ve read this far, maybe you’ve struggled with setting boundaries too.
Maybe you’ve felt the guilt, the fear of disappointing others, or the worry that saying “no” might cost you relationships.
But here’s what I’ve learned: The people who truly care about you won’t leave just because you respect yourself.
And the ones who do? They were never really there for you—they were there for what you could do for them.
Setting boundaries is about building a life where your needs matter just as much as anyone else’s.
Once you start saying “no” to what drains you, you make space to say “yes”—to what actually fulfills you.
