Pearl Nash
If you say you suck at X or find Y impossible to achieve, you might think nothing of it. It’s just words, after all. Really, you’re just yapping. Nothing of consequence.
But this couldn’t be further from the truth. The words you say are rooted in the thoughts you think, and your thoughts constantly strengthen or weaken in intensity based on how much importance you assign them and how often you focus on them.
If you say that you’re a failure three times a day, you’re more likely to fail.
If you say you can do this, you have a higher chance of success.
Don’t believe me? Ask scientists.
This principle is at the very core of neural plasticity, that is, your brain’s ability to change over time. Every day, your thoughts feed into certain neural connections and ignore others depending on the kind of input you receive.
…which means that how you talk about yourself is, indeed, important.
Here are the 8 common phrases highly resilient people avoid (so try to throw them out of your vocabulary, too).
1) “This is impossible”
Is it? Is it truly and undeniably impossible?
Two hundred years ago, people thought it impossible for us to fly. That was until a few of us thought, “Hold on a second. If this seems impossible, how can I make it possible?”
We now fly in airplanes like nobody’s business.
Everything is possible if you can find a loophole, a shortcut, or a brilliant new angle of looking at things.
That’s why science only keeps marching forward; why we keep getting better at innovation, technology, health, you name it.
People who say that something’s impossible are unknowingly imposing a limit on themselves. This may be because they’re scared of failure (or success), because they don’t want to put the work in or because they’re terrified of stepping outside their comfort zone.
Whatever it is, the task in question isn’t impossible – they’re just deluding themselves into thinking it is so that they don’t feel guilty or regretful about staying rooted in place.
This is precisely why “impossible” isn’t in a resilient person’s vocabulary.
2) “I can’t do this”
Where “this is impossible” serves to rid you of responsibility and regret, “I can’t do this” is much more self-defeating.
When you say you can’t do something, you’re admitting that it is, in fact, possible – you’re just not good enough.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you should walk around all delulu thinking that you’re excellent at everything you try. But the truth is that while “I can’t do this” signals self-awareness to a certain degree, it is also far too limiting.
You can’t do this *now*.
If you were to put in effort, you’d be able to do it *soon*.
It’s all about switching from a mindset of rigidity (the belief that you have a limited amount of resources within you and can’t change) to a mindset of growth (the notion that if you work hard, you can improve, grow, and learn).
What’s more, it’s important to ask yourself whether you truly can’t do it or if you’re just stalling and coming up with excuses. A lot of things are achievable if you just do some research and practice for a bit.
3) “This isn’t fair!”
I’m going to be a bit annoying here and reply that life isn’t fair.
Because it’s not.
We’re all born in different families and socioeconomic backgrounds; we have different genes and early life experiences; we can’t choose our own education system until later on (and sometimes never); we are all a complex mixture of luck, talent, context, and opportunity.
Nepotism isn’t fair. Discrimination isn’t fair. Even equality can be unfair if you take it too literally and don’t go for equity instead.
In many situations, there’s not much we can do about unfairness apart from trying our best to succeed with the cards we’ve been dealt.
Of course, you can also always fight for equality, do what’s right, and show up as an honorable person who has everyone’s best interests at heart.
The point here is that whining about unfairness probably won’t get you very far. The best course of action is to take charge of your own life and do the best you can in the circumstances you’ve found yourself in.
4) “I should have done X, but it’s too late now”
First of all, highly resilient people don’t waste time on regret.
They know it’s pointless. If you were meant to do X five years ago, you would have done it. The fact that you chose a different path doesn’t mean you failed; it just means you probably needed something different at the time.
Moreover, it’s never too late.
Everyone’s on their own timeline. Each time I feel like I’m falling behind in my fiction writing career, I remind myself that most of the authors I love published their first novels or bestsellers in their thirties, forties, and even fifties.
You can go get a university degree at forty-two.
You can pick up a new sport at fifty-five.
You can completely change your career at fifty-eight.
Your age doesn’t matter. What matters is whether you truly want to do this. If you feel like your intuition guides you in a certain direction…
Listen to it – no matter how old you are or how many times you’ve encountered failure before.
If you keep trying, you’ll get there.
5) “That’s it, it’s over!”
Except it isn’t. It’s never really over.
Yes, even if you fail spectacularly. Even if your whole life falls apart. Even if you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom.
It’s not over just yet.
Why?
Because life is in a constant ebb and flow. Because if you go as low as you can, the only direction you can go now is up. Because the only failure is giving up on yourself, and even then, giving up can only be temporary.
If there’s one thing life’s taught me, it’s that everything does actually end up okay.
I used to be terrified of uncertainty my whole life, but slowly, after many obstacles, failures, and repeated mistakes, I’ve come to the realization that even the darkest of times are just part of the story.
And as the musician Florence Welch sings, it’s always darkest before the dawn.
6) “Giving up is for the weak”
It’s a common misconception that giving up means giving in to fear. People consider it to be a cowardly move; a step in the wrong direction.
But the act of giving up is so much more complex than that.
In fact, I’ve recently decided to temporarily give up on one of my long-term dreams because I realized that it was a dream of a younger me and that I only clung to it for her benefit, not mine.
The moment I let go, I carved out so much space inside myself, space for other dreams to come in and make themselves at home, and I now feel more hopeful about my future than ever before.
And that’s not the only case where giving up is the brave and strong thing to do. Just think of people who give up on long-term relationships that don’t serve them, people who give up on jobs that don’t fulfill them, or people who give up on certain dreams because they realize the idea was better than reality.
Giving up is not for the weak. It can be the most courageous thing you’ll ever do.
It all depends on whether you give in to fear or whether you listen to your intuition.
7) “I’m too X”
“I’m too weak to learn how to kickbox.”
“I’m too busy to find the time to write a novel.”
“I’m too inexperienced to apply for this job.”
Stop right there. You’re not *too* anything. What you are is a complex human being who can grow and change depending on what you prioritize and choose to do with your time.
What’s more, resilient people don’t put themselves down before they even begin.
If they have two years of experience instead of the required three, they apply for the job anyway because they know that 80% of applicants will probably not meet all the requirements, either.
If they feel they’re not strong enough to do kickbox even though they’d really like to try it, they start going to the gym to grow some muscle before they give it a go.
If they’re too busy to write a novel, they have a good look at their schedule and find a few gaps where they can squeeze in thirty minutes of writing time.
Your identity isn’t set in stone. Allow yourself to change and develop into the person you are meant to become.
8) “I don’t understand why anyone would love me”
Finally (and perhaps most importantly), highly resilient people love themselves.
Plain and simple.
They aren’t full of themselves, mind you. No, they’re very well aware of their weaknesses and flaws and they try to work on those as much as possible.
But they’re also their own cheerleaders, friends, and caretakers.
In short, they have a very good relationship with themselves, which is why they relentlessly keep fighting for their dreams and refuse to give up unless it’s the right thing to do.
It sounds cliché, but it truly does all start with you.
Self-love is key to resilience. Don’t forget that.
