Have you ever had someone you just can’t get out of your head?
The kind of woman whose voice, smile, smell and presence just won’t leave you alone, even long after you’re not together?
It’s difficult to explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it, but for those of us who have it can become really hard to get over.
11 reasons you can’t stop thinking about her
1) She’s stolen your heart
First off, the most common reason you can’t stop thinking about her is that you fell in love.
It’s as simple as that.
Love is a powerful emotional, physical and even spiritual experience.
If you’re in love, you may be thinking of her night and day, imagining a future together or even obsessing about the conversations you have with her and her reactions to you.
Does she have feelings for you too? Or is she just being nice?
If you’re in love but things haven’t worked out with this girl or she doesn’t feel the same, then she’s in your head because sometimes love hurts.
When it hits you, it leaves a mark. You don’t just walk away, brush yourself off and get on with your day.
Love floods your system with dopamine (the happiness chemical) and makes you feel like you’re on top of the world.
This only gets intensified when you touch, talk or think about this woman. It’s a cycle of intensity, and it tends to make them stick around in your head.
What to do about it: there’s not a lot you can do to stop love or fall out of love if you already are! Just remember not to believe everything your body or mind tells you and to not base all your happiness on the opinion and feelings of another person.
2) You’re straight-up soulmates
Maybe you two are simply meant to be together.
The idea of soulmates isn’t something that everyone buys into, and personally I used to think it was total bunk.
That was until I met my soulmate.
But that’s another story.
And I can’t say that any of this journey has been straightforward or easy.
Let’s be honest:
We can waste a lot of time and energy with people who ultimately we’re not meant to be with. Although things can start off great, all too often they fizzle out and you’re back to being single.
That’s why I was so excited when I stumbled across a professional psychic artist who drew a sketch for me of what my soulmate actually looks like.
I was a little skeptical at first, but my friend convinced me to give it a try.
Now I know exactly what my soulmate looks like. And the crazy part is that I recognized her right away.
What to do about it: If you want to find out whether this girl is really your soulmate, get your own sketch drawn here.
3) You just find her really, really hot
There’s not always a complicated explanation for everything, and the power of our physical desire should never be underestimated.
Maybe you just find her really, really hot.
And no matter if you’ve had sex with her or not, you can’t get the image of her gleaming body and perfect breasts out of your head.
You keep replaying kisses and moments together like an erotic film in your mind and as soon as you think you’ve had your fill…
You’re back for more.
What to do about it: first of all, don’t beat yourself up. Having a strong physical attraction to someone is healthy and normal.
There’s no pressure to make a move, and remember that even these intense feelings of attraction will eventually fade and she’ll stop constantly being on your mind.
4) You’re lost in the fantasy
On the other hand, there are times when your attraction to a girl is basically a form of escapism.
You daydream and fantasize about her all day in order to escape a dreary or unsatisfying life.
Then when you wake up from the daydream, you’re sad to find that you’re no closer to having her as your girlfriend or changing your life in any real way.
Fantasy and imagination are great tools, and it’s wonderful if you have a lot of these qualities.
But getting lost in romantic fantasies can be a real time vacuum.
The best way to tell if you’re just engaging in idle fantasy is to ask yourself:
- How well do you really know this girl?
- What are your chances of being with her?
If both answers are on the low end, then you’re drifting in fantasy land right now.
5) She’s playing you hot and cold
It’s not always easy to tell if someone is attracted to you, and some women are masters at playing hard to get.
She may be hot for you one minute and cold the next.
Then when you’re ready to throw in the towel she shoots you a text or a smile that turns your world upside down once again.
This kind of mixed messages and hot and cold behavior is enough to make any guy get a bit obsessive.
And it can be a major reason why she becomes a fixation in your mind.
6) Your relationship is not going well
I’ve been there, done that. And I don’t even have a silly T-shirt.
All I have is a little more wisdom and a little bit more of a worn-out heart.
The truth is that relationship anxiety is a real thing and it’s very discouraging and frustrating.
Relationships themselves can be confusing and frustrating. Sometimes you’ve hit a wall and you really don’t know what to do next.
I’ve always been sceptical about getting outside help, until I actually tried it out.
Relationship Hero is the best resource I’ve found for love coaches who aren’t just talk. They have seen it all, and they know all about how to tackle difficult situations like what you’re going through.
Personally, I tried them last year while going through the mother of all crises in my own love life. They managed to break through the noise and give me real solutions.
My coach was kind, they took the time to really understand my unique situation, and gave genuinely helpful advice.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
What to do about it: I highly recommend checking out Relationship Hero. All you need to do is answer a few questions about your relationship, and they will connect you with the perfect coach for your situation.
7) You’re undergoing the process of ‘crystallization’
You might be thinking about a girl that doesn’t actually exist.
Let me explain:
Of course she physically exists. Maybe you’ve even talked to her, kissed her, had sex with her or dated her already.
But many times we end up building someone up into an ideal they never were in the first place.
It’s a process that the French writer Marie-Henri Beyle (pseudonym: Stendahl) called “crystallization.”
He observed it in people who became infatuated and named the process after the way salt crystallized in salt mines he visited near Salzburg, Austria.
It basically means that you form or “crystallize” shiny and captivating ideas and feelings about someone that don’t necessarily relate to the reality of that person.
Another part of crystallization is that even negative characteristics are interpreted and experienced as positive while you’re in a state of high attraction.
The way they constantly interrupt you? Endearing and earnest.
The way they treat their parents like crap for no apparent reason? Genuine and rebellious.
The way they ignore your texts for a few days and then demand your attention suddenly and aggressively? Charming and authentic.
What to do about it: think about the last time you fell for someone and the cold, hard reality after you realized they weren’t what you’d built them up to be. Even if you can’t stop yourself, pay attention to that hint of a skeptical voice that you still have inside you. It could well be telling you the truth.
8) You’re stuck in the future
There’s a lot of talk about being stuck in the past and trapped in memories and regrets.
But one of the issues that’s overlooked by a lot of dating and relationship experts is getting stuck in the future.
What I’m talking about here is similar to the fantasies and daydreams I wrote about earlier.
It’s when you’re so full of thoughts about what the future could, should or would be that you can barely get on with your daily life.
You’re on fire with strong emotions and thoughts about this girl and everything she might one day be.
You have a ten minute conversation that goes great and you’re already wondering what kind of diamond she likes or how big your wedding should be.
What to do about it: seriously, stop. This kind of future-oriented fantasizing can get you really badly hurt. Unfortunately it often takes being pretty badly let down a number of times to finally learn your lesson and take things as they come.
9) You don’t know if she’s worth the trouble
Another one of the huge reasons you can’t stop thinking about her could be that you just don’t know if she’s worth the trouble.
The crazy thing is:
Sometimes we can have very strong feelings for a woman who we also know is not a great match for us.
It’s like a sugary candy that you can’t stop popping in your mouth:
You get a momentary burst of pleasure, and you keep wanting to repeat it.
But the next day you feel deflated and dejected, with no energy.
When you’re wondering about a girl you’re very attracted to but know isn’t quite right, let’s be honest:
It’s extremely stressful.
And you’re undoubtedly going to be running reels of her through your mind like game tapes, to figure out if you should finally just call this whole thing off for good.
10) She’s already rejected you
Another one of the top reasons you can’t stop thinking about her is if she’s already rejected you.
It’s no lie that we often want what we can’t have.
Thinking about what might have been…
And trying to get a reply to our text just one more time…
Becomes like an awful addiction!
Sometimes she’s stuck in your mind because she’s the one that got away and you really, really wish she hadn’t.
But she did, and if she wanted to come back you would know it, trust me.
Let’s put it this way: if she wants to, she’ll call you.
It’s brutal, but you’ve got to accept it.
What to do about it: accept the rejection. Take all those feelings of inadequacy and depression and channel them into an epic project or pursuit that makes you proud and helps other people.
11) You’ve got a crush on her
Another one of the top reasons you can’t stop thinking about her could be that you have a crush on her.
This involves intense physical attraction and infatuation.
You hang on her every word and think of her a lot in an idealized way, as if she’s surrounded with a golden glow.
All too often, this can sap your energy and turn out not to have been worth investing in once you get to know her better.
What to do about it: having a crush can feel a lot like love, and it plays some nasty tricks on your heart and mind.
You want so badly to be accepted and desired by this girl, and it seems like you keep getting no real answer.
But the harder you try to push to get what you want, the more it eludes you. And even if she turns out to be attracted to you, all too often you find you were just enticed by the thrill of the chase.
The truth is, most of us overlook an incredibly important element in our lives:
The relationship we have with ourselves.
I learnt about this from the shaman Rudá Iandê. In his genuine, free video on cultivating healthy relationships, he gives you the tools to plant yourself at the center of your world.
He covers some of the major mistakes most of us make in our relationships, such as codependency habits and unhealthy expectations. Mistakes most of us make without even realizing it.
So why am I recommending Rudá’s life-changing advice?
Well, he uses techniques derived from ancient shamanic teachings, but he puts his own modern-day twist on them. He may be a shaman, but his experiences in love weren’t much different to yours and mine.
Until he found a way to overcome these common issues. And that’s what he wants to share with you.
So if you’re ready to make that change today and cultivate healthy, loving relationships, relationships you know you deserve, check out his simple, genuine advice.
5 tips to stop thinking about this girl
1) Let it be
Don’t try to stop yourself from thinking about and obsessing about this girl.
It will just make it more intense.
Let yourself miss her, desire her, think about her.
Just try to limit how much you reach out to her.
You can be sure she already knows that you care. But don’t make it too easy.
Trust me, when she wants to be in touch she will, and your worries about a relationship if you’re already dating are not going to get any better by crunching them in your head.
2) Get off social media
Forget about social media.
Unless you’re using it to keep in touch with friends or for career or fun, stay away.
Don’t use it to try to fix your love life.
It won’t work, and it will bury you in endless layers of jealousy, paranoia and over-analyzing.
Leave it be.
3) Get active
Exercise, run, paint, write, shout into the air in the middle of a huge cornfield and curse existence and humanity.
Honestly, just get active.
The more time you spend up in your head, the worse this is going to get.
Whether or not you end up with her, you need to get active.
Passivity is the poison pill that will kill you in the end.
Spit it out.
4) Stay off the phone
Your phone is a very useful instrument.
But it can also be an emotional sinkhole that worsens your problem.
If you check your messages enough times, she won’t magically text.
You’ll just end up with a headache and an even worse heartache.
Put your phone down for a while. You’ll thank me for the advice.
5) Meet new people
It’s not easy, and there’s no guarantee.
But being open to meeting new people will take you a long way.
Make a vow to yourself that you’re now open to meeting someone new.
Let this girl slowly fade into the past.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.