So you’re having an affair with a man that is already taken.
And now you’re wondering whether this man can actually love you.
After all, when you’re together he certainly acts as if he does.
He’s passionate, he cares about you, he’s even deeply affectionate at times.
Surely you can’t just be a “side chick” in his eyes, right?!
But when you’re away from him and you take a step back and reflect:
You realize that in practical terms you’re still just his side chick. Nothing more. Nothing less.
And he’s not planning on leaving his wife or girlfriend anytime soon.
So what does this mean for you?
Can he really love you? Will he ever leave his partner for you?
It’s a tricky question.
Yes, it’s certainly possible, but it’s going to depend on a lot of different variables.
And that is what I hope I can answer for you in this article.
We need to analyze the nitty-gritty of his behavior and see how he genuinely feels about you.
Look, I’m Lachlan Brown, founder of the Hack Spirit blog you’re reading, and I have written hundreds of articles on the concept of love and relationships, and in this article, I’m going to go over all the different caveats that suggest a man can or can’t love his side chick.
First, we’ll start with the behaviors that suggest a man can love his side chick, then we’ll talk about signs that he clearly can’t love his side chick.
After that, we’ll talk about what you can do to move forward.
We have a lot to cover so let’s get started.
Before we start, can a man love two girls at the same time?
First, before we start, I realize that some of you might be asking the question, “can a man love his side chick?” because you just want to know whether the man you’re having an affair with can actually have genuine feelings for you.
Perhaps you don’t care about developing a future relationship with him, and for now, you just want to know, does this man genuinely care for me?
So we need to ask:
Can a man love two women at the same time?
Because he obviously loves the woman he is committed to, but can he love you, too?
Empirical evidence clearly suggests that humans are capable of loving and having sex with more than one person at the same time.
However, while he may be able to love multiple women at the same time, he won’t be able to accept that you’re in love with multiple men.
Because emotionally, it is extremely painful to imagine your lover with someone else.
Indeed, in psychologist Aaron Ben-Zeev’s book on romantic ideology and its victims, he found that while no-one he interviewed found it difficult to love more than one person at the same time, they did find it enormously difficult, if not impossible, to share their beloved with someone else.
This is backed up by Elisabeth Sheff, author of The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple Partner Relationships and Families, who says that monogamy isn’t exactly natural because it takes so many social structures to exist.
She says “It seems more natural for humans to want a personal harem, so each of us get to enjoy sexual variety, but insist on sexual exclusivity for our lovers, so we don’t have to deal with jealousy.”
So in short:
Yes, humans can love two people at the same time, but they generally can’t accept that their partner will also do the same thing.
Okay, so that we’ve got that out the road, let’s talk about your guy specifically. Does he really love you?
Here some signs that suggest that he genuinely might have the feels for you, even if you’re his “side chick”.
7 signs that a man genuinely loves his side chick
1. You are his priority
On his list of priorities, where do you sit?
I know this sounds simple but your position on his priority ladder is going to reveal a lot of his intentions.
Is spending time with you important to him? Does he spend most of his “free time” with you?
If he is spending most of his free time with you compared to his wife or girlfriend, then it’s pretty assured he has genuine feelings for you.
After all, our free time is when we have the ultimate choice of who we like to spend our time with.
Now I’m sure he has spent time with his wife (or family) for important events and occasions.
That’s fine, but it’s not really what I’m referring to here. It’s his free time that is of paramount importance here.
How does he use it?
If it’s mostly with you, then you can bet your bottom dollar that he has genuine feelings for you.
But if he only spends a short amount of time with you just so he can have a “good time” then he leaves, then that’s not such a good sign.
2. He feels like your hero
Look, I’ve done a lot of research on relationships and what ignites and keeps love strong, and a new theory called “the hero instinct” makes the most sense to me.
You see, a recent study published in the Physiology and Behavior journal suggests that a male’s testosterone makes them feel protective over the woman they are committed to.
And this is why the “hero instinct” goes to the heart of the riddle of why a man falls in love – and who they fall in love with.
The hero instinct, coined by relationship psychology James Bauer, claims that men want to be your hero.
They want to step up to the plate for the woman in their lives and provide and protect her.
This is deeply rooted in male biology.
So what I’m getting at here is that if he feels like a hero to you, if he protects you and tries to make you feel secure and comfortable then he probably loves you.
How can you tell?
Surprisingly, small acts of behavior and affection will actually tell you.
For example, does he put his body on the side of the road that the traffic is on?
Does he protect you when any potential danger arises?
When you have had an argument with a co-worker, does he naturally take your side?
If you start noticing how he behaves around you, you’ll begin to get clues as to whether he sees himself as your hero and he wants to protect you.
Now there are small things you can do to notice if does see himself as your “hero”, and there are even ways to activate this instinct in him.
If you would like to learn more about the hero instinct, check out this free online video by the relationship psychologist who coined the term. He provides a fascinating insight into this new concept.
3. When you’re feeling down, he is there to save the day
This is a similar play on the “hero instinct”, but it’s such a huge sign that it deserves to be a sign in and of itself.
So, the question is: How does this man act when you’re feeling down and you’re going through a difficult situation?
Does he immediately come around to see you and make you feel better? Or is it something that he tries to ignore?
How he acts in difficult situations will reveal A LOT about how he feels and how invested he is in the “affair” between the two of you.
When a man is genuinely in love, he’ll feel stressed when the woman he cares for is in pain.
After all, a man has a biological instinct to provide and protect the woman he cares about.
If he simply wants to ignore your problems and hope that they go away, then he probably doesn’t truly care for you.
4. Does he wear his wedding ring around you?
This sign is obviously only for the men that are married, but it is a really important gesture to consider.
I know it sounds rather insignificant, but if he naturally takes his wedding ring off when he spends time with you, then it may point to the fact that he wishes he wasn’t married and that he was free to be with you.
And taking off his wedding ring is a sign of things to come.
Don’t count all your eggs in one basket though.
It could also mean that he is ashamed of cheating on his wife and keeping things as covert as possible.
So, how can you tell the difference?
Well, if he only takes his wedding ring off in public places, then it may point to the fact that he is ashamed of cheating on his wife and deceiving her behind her back.
But if he takes off his wedding ring for every moment that he spends time with you, then it may point to him being more genuine about his feelings for you.
5. He is only staying with this wife or girlfriend for social or family reasons
Well, this is a big one.
Is there a reason he can’t leave his wife or girlfriend?
Because if he genuinely loves you, then you can bet your bottom dollar that he would leave his wife or girlfriend for you in a heartbeat.
Maybe you’re asking yourself: Can a man love two women at the time?
“Love” is a complex subject, but I believe that the “hero instinct” is only activated for one woman at a time.
So this is why I say if he has no intentions of leaving his girlfriend or wife, then clearly he wants to protect them over you.
But there could other reasons he simply must stay together with his wife or girlfriend.
Perhaps his girlfriend is going through a particularly bad time and he doesn’t want to leave her right now because it would be too hard on her in this stage of her life.
Or if he is married, then perhaps he has kids, and they’ve decided that it would be better for the family if they were to stay together.
But if he has told you that he wants to end up with you and only you, and he is just waiting for the opportune moment to do so, then you know it’s likely that he does really love you.
But if he hasn’t said anything that shows that he wants to leave his wife or girlfriend, and he even ignores the question when you ask, then you’re simply a side chick to him.
A side chick that he probably doesn’t love.
Otherwise, he would leave his wife or girlfriend for you in a heartbeat. There is no doubt about it.
6. He’s very jealous when you talk about other men
I’m a psychology buff by trade, and I can tell you that one of the strongest emotions I’ve studied is the emotion of jealousy.
Everybody can feel it, and it’s impossible to control.
So, how does your man react when you talk about other men?
After all, I’m assuming that if you’re just his “side chick” that you’re also allowed to see other men.
He should be okay with it, right?
So if he gets angry, or defensive when you speak about other men, then you’re awakening jealously in him because he has feelings for you.
Now I’m willing to bet that you might not speak about other men in front of him.
But if you really want to test this out, then give it a shot. Speak about a guy you went on a date with and see how he reacts.
If he gets jealous, then his feelings for you are probably genuine.
7. He is making plans for the future with you
If he is making plans for the future with you, even if it is something small like planning for a holiday, then it’s a great indicator that he is in it for the long haul.
After all, it means that he wants to spend time with you and he sees a future when you two are together.
This is actually a great sign that he might leave his wife or girlfriend for you and you guys can develop a future relationship together.
8. He is becoming less paranoid about being found out by his wife
This is actually a pretty huge indicator that the tide is turning in your favor.
You see, if he still sees himself having a future with his current wife, then he’ll do everything he can to avoid her finding out.
He’ll do things you find odd, like book a hotel room in a different name. Or see you in a suburb that is bonkers from his place.
But if he starting to relax about how and when he is seeing you, and you’re even going out in public together, then perhaps he is becoming less worried about being found out.
He might be thinking that in the end, being found out is an easy way to tell his wife that he is seeing someone else and he wants a divorce.
On other hand, here are 5 reasons he might not leave his wife or girlfriend for you
1. He doesn’t want to.
Here’s the cold hard truth because we think you need to hear it: he won’t leave his partner for you because he doesn’t want to.
Unfortunately, this is the most common scenario when it comes to men and their affairs.
Because if he did, he would have done it already.
He might be filling your head with lots of lies (disguised as promises) about how he loves you and how much you mean to him, but if it was true, he would find a way to be with you no matter what.
He’s finding a way to be with his wife or girlfriend, isn’t he?
But it’s not all for nothing: if you’re not looking for him to commit to you then you can both just carry on with what you’re doing with the expectation from the other person.
2. It’s too much work.
As harsh as it sounds, leaving a marriage or long-term relationship is a logistical nightmare.
It can take months or even years for a relationship to be legally over and depending on what his wife or girlfriend has to say about it, you might get all caught up in their drama, leaving no time for the nurturing of your own relationship.
He might think it’s not worth the hassle.
However, this doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you. It just means that he is unlikely to put in the work to leave his current partner to be in a certified relationship with you.
3. He’s waiting for her to leave.
Despite his best efforts, he still wants to be a good husband to his wife or partner to his girlfriend and he might be waiting for her to move on before he comes clean about his own indiscretions.
That could mean waiting years but if he’s committed to this original relationship, you’ll be waiting a long time.
It doesn’t mean he won’t ever be with you, but it might not be according to your timeline and if he has kids, you’ll actually end up seeing him less when he’s a single man because of his family obligations.
It’s probably just easier to carry on this way.
4. He treats you differently than other girls.
You’ve seen it with your own eyes: he treats you in a different way that he treats other girls. He’s kind and gentle and a true gentleman with them.
With you, it’s all wham, bam, thank-you-Mam. He’s got no real plans to make you the one he comes home to, just the one he comes to when he needs to let loose.
He doesn’t pay you compliments and doesn’t pay much attention to you outside the bedroom.
These are all giant red flags that you serve one purpose and one purpose only.
5. You don’t get to call him.
One of the biggest giveaways that he is not leaving his girlfriend for you is that you can’t contact him.
He only contacts you when it is convenient (aka SAFE) for him to do so.
He won’t call you when his girlfriend or wife is around and, come to think of it, he won’t answer the phone when you call.
He doesn’t read your texts during the day and you only get to talk to him for a short period of time each day – if that.
He’s really unavailable and he wants it that way.
Whether or not you’re planning to make a life with this guy is irrelevant: he’s not planning to make one with you.
If he’s doing even one of these things it’s because he wants to keep the relationship he has with you completely off the books.
He’ll pretty it up and make it sound legit, but actions speak louder than words when it comes to love.
He doesn’t have to tell you that he’s not leaving his girlfriend because you already knew that.
So if he won’t leave his wife or girlfriend for you, should you continue being his “side chick”? Pros and cons of being a side chick
If you’ve concluded that he won’t leave his wife or girlfriend for his side chick, should you continue being the side chick?
This is totally up to you, and how much enjoyment you’re getting out of the current arrangement.
Here are the pros and cons of being someone’s side chick:
The Complete Package
When there are two women involved, you each have a role to play. The man is getting something from both of you that he can’t possibly get from one of you alone.
That’s something to think about because if he decides to leave his wife for you.
He might suddenly need more of your time, attention and you might suddenly find him needy and self-absorbed.
It’s hard to say why a man keeps two women around, but one thing is for sure: it benefits him more than anyone else.
There’s no doubt that new relationships are exciting and fun and filled with anticipation and wonder.
But that’s not always a good thing in the long run.
Wouldn’t you just end up like his wife over time?
Will there be another woman to replace you when he gets bored with you?
Sure, it’s all fun and games in the beginning but make no mistake: all relationships age. Some relationships age harder than others.
He Feels Rejected
We talk a lot of smack about men cheating but we don’t always talk about what the wife is doing to cause that cheating.
We automatically assume that she is an innocent victim in all this but perhaps she has cheated on him or treats him poorly.
He might be looking for love somewhere else out of a true ambition to be loved the way he thinks he deserves to be loved.
The pro here is that you can give him that.
The con is that no matter how much he wants you to love him, he wants his wife to love him too.
He feels safe with you because there’s no risk of being hurt.
It gives him the confidence to go back to his wife and try to figure things out. It’s not black and white, that’s for sure.
You Have Your Freedom
Not all women want to be tied down by a long-term commitment and if you’re one of those women, being someone’s side chick might be just what the doctor ordered.
If he’s got no plans to leave his wife and tells you he’s happy otherwise, then you can both get what you want and nobody gets hurt.
Okay, not nobody. His wife is paying a pretty hefty price for your fun together, but if being a side chick is your thing, you’re not thinking about that.
And that’s okay. Not everyone is going to be married or want to be married. You get to have your freedom and your fun.
You Can Walk Away
One of the biggest advantages of being someone’s side chick is that you have nothing to lose.
You can decide you’re done at any time and walk away from the relationship without worrying about much beyond yourself.
If he decides to leave his wife for you, she gets hurt, her family gets hurt, and maybe even their kids.
Nobody dreams of being someone’s side chick, but if you find yourself in that situation, be honest with yourself about what you want and why you’re doing this.
It’s not to hurt anyone, of course, but the more in-depth your relationship gets, the more people are going to get hurt.
A good rule of thumb is to treat others the way you’d want to be treated.
If you want to be with this man and he wants to be with you, then you need to have a conversation about him getting a divorce.
Make sure your motives and needs are clear. Make sure you’re getting what you need from this and not just being strung along by some lonely.
It has to be worth it for you to go to all this trouble to hide your relationship and risk being caught.
Be clear about what this relationship is and what it is not right from the start. That will save everyone a world of hurt.
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