I still remember the moment I caught my (ex)boyfriend messaging another girl – I was devastated.
He’d only sent a few texts, nothing serious or overly flirty, but it crushed me that he was even interested in speaking to another girl.
So, I know how you feel if this has recently happened to you.
But before you jump to any hasty conclusions, let’s look at all your options first. Here’s what to do when your boyfriend is talking to another girl:
1) Judge the situation by the facts not emotions
Here’s the situation:
Somehow, you’ve come across texts or messages that show your boyfriend is talking to another girl.
Your mind starts racing. You don’t know whether to confront him, throw his phone out of the window, or in some cases, even get revenge on him.
I know – when your emotions take over, it’s hard to keep focussed!
But that’s exactly what you need to do right now.
Look at the facts. Stay focussed.
Is he talking to a girl from his university class? Or a girl he met on a night out?
Is he flirting with her? Or messaging because he’s confused about an assignment or work project?
Before you do anything, you need to gather facts and evidence. Only then should you confront him…
2) Ask him about it directly
By confronting him, I don’t mean waking him up with his bags packed and all your photos burning in a bin outside (unless he was doing the dirty and sexting another girl, in which case this might be acceptable).
The truth is, you need to hear his side of the story.
I completely blew up at my ex when I saw the girl’s name pop up on his phone. In hindsight, he deserved it, but at the time, it just made the entire situation worse.
The chances are, you’ve seen evidence by now. Messages, pictures even.
What does he have to say for himself?
It could be a clear-cut case of him being a total asshole, or, you may have got the wrong end of the stick.
Hear me out:
When we’re emotionally invested in someone, it’s natural to get defensive and jealous when they interact with other women.
In the shock of realizing he’s speaking to someone else, you may overlook the fact that he could be doing it innocently.
That’s why it’s important to:
3) Try to keep an open mind
Okay, now it’s time to hear his side of things.
There are a few things to take into consideration:
- How much do you trust his word?
- Has this ever happened before?
- Does he seem genuine in his denials, and does the evidence support it? (For example, there was no flirty language used and the texts were completely platonic)
Try to keep an open mind.
By the end of the conversation, you may still think he’s a cheating scumbag who doesn’t deserve your time, and that’s okay.
But there’s also the possibility that you’re reading the situation wrong. In this case, hearing him out and considering the points above will stop you from ruining your relationship!
Now, his reasonings aren’t the only thing you need to pay attention to…
4) Watch out for his body language
Body language reveals a lot.
Case in point:
My ex actually was chatting up another girl. When I confronted him, he instantly got defensive. Then he started gaslighting.
But looking back now, it was his body language that gave it all away.
He became super fidgety. He wouldn’t make eye contact. He was rambling on about how crazy I was, without stopping to answer any of my questions.
These are not the signs of an innocent man.
Your boyfriend will certainly exhibit signals through his body, signals he isn’t even aware of. If you know him well enough, you’ll be able to spot the signs that he’s lying.
To find out exactly what body language signs to look out for, check out this guide.
5) Explain how it makes you feel
Some people would say that once you’re sure he’s talking to another girl, it’s time to say boy, bye!
But I disagree. Before you send him packing, you should tell him how you feel.
See, the act of messaging another girl might not be a big deal to him, but he’s not stopped to consider how it’ll affect you.
After I caught my ex out:
- I felt extremely hurt, let down, and bitter
- I struggled to trust men in future relationships
- I developed anxiety when seeing partners interacting with other women
Truthfully, it may take time to get over it. So don’t let him off lightly – tell him exactly how it makes you feel.
Even if you’re planning on breaking up with him, who knows? He might think twice before doing this again to another woman.
6) Set your boundaries high
I mentioned the possibility of breaking up with him, but maybe you’re not ready to walk away just yet.
I understand: maybe his interactions with this other girl are fairly surface level and he never got the chance to take it further.
You may feel like he’s learned his lesson after you revealed your feelings, and you’re willing to give him another chance.
If this is the case, girl, you need some boundaries in place!
Tell him what you find acceptable and what is a complete no-go. Have uncomfortable conversations now so that he never does this again.
For example, with my current partner, I told him clearly from the start:
I have no problem with you talking to girls you’re already friends with. What I won’t tolerate is you going out, picking up a girl’s number, and then getting to know her, all behind my back.
Think about your limits, and clearly let him know the consequences if he crosses those lines.
8) Walk away if you have to
But what if you’re not willing to give him a second chance?
What if he already crossed the limits? What if the messages you came across are imprinted in your memory and you just know you’ll never trust him again?
Then it’s time to say goodbye.
A relationship is based on trust. Without that, there’s very little point in continuing.
Let’s be real here – by talking to another girl he’s disrespecting you. He’s not considering your feelings. He’s not being faithful or committed.
And you deserve much better than that!
Wish him well, pity the women he’ll go on to meet, and move on with your life.
Discovering that he’s talking to another girl, while it will feel like absolute crap for a while, may end up being a blessing in disguise!
What to do next?
I was going to end the article there, with the breakup. But then I remembered how down I felt when I dumped my ex for talking to another girl.
So, before you go, here are a few things to keep in mind, and hopefully, they’ll cheer you up too!
- Just because he didn’t respect you or value your trust, it doesn’t mean the next guy will be the same. Don’t become bitter as I did – keep your heart open (but your wits about you, too).
- Lean on your friends and family. A breakup of any sort sucks, but by surrounding yourself with loved ones, you’ll take away the twinge of loneliness.
- When the time is right, forgive your ex. You don’t have to verbally tell him you’ve forgiven him, it’s enough to just forgive him in your heart. This actually has nothing to do with him, but everything to do with you moving on without bitterness or anger.
- Set a time limit on how much you’re allowed to wallow. I gave myself three days to stay in pajamas, watch movies and eat more ice cream than could fit in my freezer. But once those three days were up, I got back to reality.
- Repeat these affirmations every morning, write them on your bathroom mirror, and save them as your phone background:
“I am deserving of love.”
“I am capable of loving again.”
“I am capable of trusting again.”
“I am able to forgive him.”
“I am enough.”
I hope you’re now ending this article in better spirits than when you first started. I know how crappy it is to find out your boyfriend is talking to another girl, but please remember:
This is a reflection of him more than you.
Maybe he’s got commitment fears? Maybe he’s too immature to be trusted?
Whatever the reason, don’t let it define your worth. Only YOU get to define that!
And as they say, when one door closes, another opens…
One day, when you wake up next to the love of your life who you trust unconditionally, you’ll look back and be glad for this situation…even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
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