So your boyfriend has stopped having sex with you and you’re wondering what’s up.
It’s a tough situation to be in.
After all, how can a man go from being so passionate in bed with you to showing barely any interest at all?
It doesn’t make sense. At least in your eyes.
But look. I’m a man, and while I’m not proud to admit it, I’ve lost sexual interest in girls I was dating as well.
There can be many reasons for a sudden drop in libido, and in this article, I’m going to lay out every single one of them (including the ones I’ve had experience with).
I’ll also discuss what exactly you can do to get your man excited to be in bed with you again.
We have a lot to cover so let’s get started.
Why isn’t your boyfriend interested in you sexually any more? Here are 8 reasons
1. It may be biological
Do you get the feeling that your boyfriend actually is excited to have sex with you?
But the problem is that his buddy down below doesn’t seem to be working?
There can be many biological reasons for this.
For example, if a man is having trouble with his testosterone levels (because he is getting older, or has other health issues) then there might not be as much blood flowing around.
Therefore, his mind is telling him that he is sexually excited by you, but his groin area isn’t computing.
Stress, anxiety, or depression can also hinder a person physically to the point where not every organ is functioning as it should.
Or perhaps your boyfriend is on some sort of medication?
Different kinds of medication can hinder sex drive.
You’ve probably heard that antidepressant medication has this effect. That’s just one example.
The fact of the matter is this:
Many different things can affect our biology, and if you’ve noticed that your boyfriend is on some sort of medication, or has recently been more stressed or anxious than usual, then that is a likely culprit for why your boyfriend is no longer sexually attracted to you.
2. He has performance anxiety
This is a common one, and I’m man enough to admit that I’ve suffered through this before.
Performance anxiety means that a man is so anxious to perform well in the bedroom that his anxiety levels actually interfere with his performing.
And of course, the more anxious he gets, the worse he performs.
He may not just be anxious about maintaining a strong erection, either.
He might be worried about finishing too quickly, or he might be anxious about how you feel about his body (men can be insecure about their looks as well!)
Whatever it is, the anxiety interferes with his performance and even disrupts his sex drive (anxiety can hinder blood flow, after all).
It only takes one bad episode in bed for it to become a problem.
After that one episode, he might avoid having sex with you just to avoid the same embarrassment again.
He might think he’ll struggle to please you, so why bother?
The best way for him to fix his performance anxiety in bed is to have sex more frequently with you.
This is how he can become more comfortable and trusting with you, which will decrease his anxiety.
3. He is masturbating too much.
Most guys grow up frequently masturbating.
Yep, it sounds disgusting, but it’s true.
In fact, according to research conducted by condom brand SKYN, 94 percent of respondents masturbate three times a week.
But if your man is masturbating nearly every day and even before your attempts to seduce him in the bedroom, then he might not be interested.
In terms of the biological outcome, masturbating is similar to having sex.
And how quickly can your man back up having sex with you?
I’m guessing not straight away.
So he may have gotten rid of any sexual angst before you try to get your man in the bedroom with you.
It’s difficult for a man to develop an erection for some time (at least a couple of hours) after masturbating himself.
Furthermore, if your man watches porn then it may affect his expectations of what sex entails.
After all, porn is really easy to access and it’s limitless in terms of variety.
So after he has watched his favorite porn star doing her thing, he can struggle to get aroused by normal day-to-day sexual activities.
This usually becomes a significant problem when a man becomes addicted to porn, which may be more common than you’d think.
4. He is suffering from mental health issues
I mentioned this above, but it’s worth mentioning on its own.
He may be suffering from a mental health issue to the point that it is affecting him physically.
For example, he may be depressed and unable to get physically excited about anything let alone sex.
Or he might be suffering significant anxiety issues that are starting to interfere with his blood flow and performance.
Stress is another factor that can impact sexual performance.
Is your man having a difficult time at work?
Working late hours with a toxic boss that won’t let up?
All of these things can interfere with a normal functioning libido.
If you’re noticing that something has changed recently in his mental health, then that is the likely culprit for his decrease in sexual desire.
5. He’s not ready to have sex with you
This point is only for those who haven’t had sex with their boyfriend yet.
Perhaps your boyfriend hasn’t slept with many women before and he considers it a big step in a relationship.
For him, once you have sex, it’s game over. You guys are in a fully-fledged relationship and you’re not far away from marriage.
Or perhaps he just doesn’t feel that comfortable with you yet.
Let’s be honest:
Sex is an intimate behavior, and most people want to make sure they’re doing it with the right person.
I’m sure you agree.
Maybe your boyfriend is taking this to the extreme.
But it may also mean that he is a gentleman and he treats women well.
The other extreme scenario (which is not as common as it used to be) is that he is saving himself for marriage.
If you suspect that this is the case then it’s important that you’re in the know about his cultural background and beliefs.
For example, people with different cultural backgrounds often have different views about sex.
Some cultures are very open about it, whereas other cultures believe that you should only be having sex with someone you’re married to.
6. There are other problems in your relationship
Sex is an important part of many facets of a successful relationship.
And if your relationship isn’t firing on the emotional or mental aspects, then it may affect the sex you’re having (or not having).
Have you been arguing a lot recently?
Has there been a big disagreement that has affected the future trajectory of your relationship?
If you guys seem to be constantly bickering and fighting with each other, then your boyfriend may not want to have sex with you.
After all, he just hasn’t got the necessary emotions to go through with it.
People are different when it comes to sex.
Some people love having sex when they’re angry.
Other people just can’t do it when they’re in any sort of negative mood.
Which camp are you in?
If your boyfriend can’t get excited about anything when he is angry then he’s probably not interested in having sex with you for the moment.
It may not be something major that has happened in the relationship.
Perhaps passion is slowly fading in your relationship.
After all, every relationship has its ups and downs.
Maybe your relationship is on an extended downstage of the relationship.
Whatever is, these things usually balance themselves out.
But if you find that your relationship is “down” for far too long, then it may be worth talking about what is going wrong in your relationship with your boyfriend.
7. He is cheating on you
I didn’t want to say it, but I think it’s important for you to hear that this could be a possibility.
A possibility for a man losing his libido with you is that he is getting his sexual satisfaction from someone else.
I hope this is not the case for you.
But it has happened to many people in relationships before.
How can you tell if this is the case?
One of the most significant signs that a guy is cheating is what he does with his phone.
According to counselor and therapist, Dr. Tracey Phillips, hiding things from you on their phone may be a sign of cheating:
“They could be trying to avoid receiving any questionable calls or texts in your presence.”
If he used to happily leave it lying around in the living room, but now puts it in his pocket wherever he goes, you should wonder why.
Also, look for him turning the screen away when you’re nearby or not wanting to charge it overnight by the bed.
8. He isn’t attracted to you anymore
Look, this probably isn’t what you want to hear. I get it. No one wants to find out that their man isn’t attracted to them anymore.
But men can, unfortunately, fall out of love.
And if your man can’t get aroused for you any longer, then the passion that used to fire in his belly for you may slowly be fading.
It can happen to anyone.
But it’s important to remember:
If this is the case, then he is going to be showing other signs that he is falling out of love with you.
He may be more irritable than usual.
He may argue with you more often.
And he might not be as communicative as he once was.
He will also seem disinterested in talking about the future.
In the end, you will be able to tell if your man is falling out of love with you.
Now that we’ve spoken about why your boyfriend isn’t sexually attracted to you anymore, let’s discuss what you can do about it.
How to get your boyfriend interested in your sexually: 7 tips
1. Figure out what the reason is for why he has lost sexual interest
Look over the list of the reasons above and really think about which one could be the reason he has lost sexual interest in you.
Obviously, if it is a mental health issue or a medication issue, the solution is going to be different compared to if he is falling out of love with you.
The good thing here is that his loss of sexual interest doesn’t have anything to do with you, but it may be worth talking about what solutions there are with him.
But below I’ll address what you can do if you believe he is falling out of love with you and is not attracted to you anymore.
2. Make him feel like a hero
If you want your boyfriend to fall back in love with you and get sexually excited when he is with you, then you need to make him feel like a hero.
Chalk up to the men’s evolutionary past of being the protector and provider in the relationship.
Men have an instinct to make you feel comfortable and secure.
I know it sounds a bit silly. You’re an independent woman who doesn’t need a hero. I’m sure you’ve got your own life on lock.
But the truth is:
Men still have an innate urge to feel like a hero. It’s built into their DNA to seek out relationships that allow them to feel like a provider.
Men have a thirst for your admiration. Your boyfriend wants to step up to the plate for you, to provide for you and protect you.
This is rooted in male biology.
But if your man isn’t feeling that from you then this thirst to be a hero won’t be satisfied.
If he feels like you don’t actually need him in your life, then he will feel like less of a man.
And your boyfriend will lose interest in you over time.
There’s actually a psychological term for what I’m talking about here. It’s called the hero instinct, a term coined by relationship expert James Bauer.
Now, you can’t trigger his hero instinct just giving him admiration next time you see him. Men don’t like receiving participation awards for showing up. Trust me.
A man wants to feel like he has earned your admiration and respect.
You have to find ways to make him feel like your hero. There’s an art to doing this which can be a lot of fun when you know exactly what to do. But it requires a little more work than just asking him to fix your computer or carry your heavy bags.
The best way to learn how to trigger the hero instinct in your guy is to watch this free online video. James Bauer gives a terrific introduction to his concept.
If you can trigger this instinct successfully, then you’ll see the results immediately.
When a man genuinely feels like your hero, he’ll become more loving, attentive, and interested in being in a committed, long-term relationship with you.
The hero instinct is a subconscious drive men have to gravitate toward people who make him feel like a hero. But it’s amplified in his romantic relationships.
Hack Spirit writer Pearl Nash discovered this for herself and in the process completely turned around a lifetime of romantic failure. You can read her story here.
Some ideas really are life-changing. And for romantic relationships, this is one of them. That’s why you should watch this free online video where you can learn how to trigger the hero instinct.
3. Talk to your boyfriend
Communication is important for any relationship, particularly when there is an issue in the sex department.
There’s no question it can be tough to talk about sex with your boyfriend (especially when it’s about his underperformance).
This is why it’s important that you have a talk with your boyfriend in a safe environment where you both feel comfortable.
Most importantly, it’s crucial that you don’t accuse your boyfriend of anything. That could end very badly.
Instead, try to approach the conversation in a relaxed manner and be prepared to listen.
To start off, you may want to ask him if he thinks you’re having less sex than they used to and why he thinks that is.
You may have different opinions about why sex is nothing like it used to be, so make sure that you’re fully receptive to what he is saying and you haven’t reached your own conclusion.
Tell him that you want him to be open and honest with you and that you want to work through this together.
The most important point here is that you engage the conversation in an open, honest, and receptive manner.
As soon as you start accusing him of doing something wrong or performing badly, you’re moving into the territory of negatively judging him.
And that will only lead to an argument.
If you’re open, honest and you actually listen to each other, you’ll be more likely to have a productive conversation.
3. How are you going to move forward?
This point is going to depend on what the real issue is.
If he has admitted to cheating on you, then you need to decide what you’re going to do moving forward.
I’m not going to give you black or white advice here.
Some people will say that you simply must leave him if he has cheated on you. I understand that point of view.
But it really depends on how and why he cheated.
Was it just a one-time thing that he was incredibly regretful of?
Or has he been systemically cheating on you with one person for a long time?
Each situation is different, and there is no right or wrong answer.
If you think he genuinely still likes you and there is a positive future ahead for the both of you, then you might want to stay.
But if you think that you will never be able to forgive him, then you’d most likely want to leave.
If he has fallen out of love with you, then it might be a little different.
If he thinks that his passion has gone temporarily, then you might want to give it some time to see if it comes back (and implement the hero instinct tips I mentioned above).
But sometimes when love fades away it’s better for both parties to leave each other and begin a new journey on their own.
You’ll need to do some soul searching here.
In the end, it’s up to you and what you want your future to look like.
4. Try to initiate sex yourself more
I get it. You’re a woman and it’s not the woman’s job to always initiate sex.
But it might just be the kickstart your boyfriend needs.
And it might just turn him on.
Some guys prefer to be hit on rather than doing the initiation themselves.
So be seductive, be sexy, and go and seduce your man.
Who knows, maybe you will enjoy taking control as well.
5. Be more physically attractive
Let’s not beat around the bush. Men are visual beasts. They get aroused by what they see and feel.
So if you’ve put on a few kilos recently or you’re not as toned as you used to be, you might want to work on your physical attractiveness.
The same goes for him!
Taking care of your body is an essential part of being physically attractive.
Not only are people attracted to those who look good and feel good, but we are also attracted to those who value themselves enough to take care of their physical appearance.
Workout regularly. Eat healthy meals. Understand what’s best for your body.
And he might start loving playing with your body again.
6. Make sex fun
Look, sex doesn’t always have to be serious.
When it gets too serious, it may lead to performance anxiety.
So try to have some fun. Tickle each other in bed. Make jokes. Laugh it up.
A light-hearted nature to the whole situation may exactly be what your boyfriend needs.
7. See a sex therapist
If you’ve tried everything and nothing is working, then you may want to see a sex therapist or relationship therapist.
They’ve dealt with issues like this thousand of times before and they usually can get to the heart of the issue.
After all, it’s their job!
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