If your boyfriend accuses you of cheating, then you know how hurtful it can be. But more than that, when you know you are innocent, it’s also likely to be frustrating and maddening.
You want to convince him that he is wrong, and at the same time, you probably feel resentful that you should even have to. Shouldn’t he trust you?
Here are 14 useful tips if your boyfriend is accusing you of cheating.
1) Get to the heart of the accusations
If your boyfriend accuses you of being unfaithful, as hard as it’s going to be, try not to get defensive right away. It will only make things worse for both of you.
You want to keep the lines of communication open. And even when you think he is being totally unreasonable, it’s better to try to remain calm and collected.
What do you say to your boyfriend when he thinks you’re cheating?
Sadly there isn’t a magic phrase that will make it all better. It’s more about creating an open dialogue to try and clear up where this misunderstanding is coming from.
As with most communication, listening can be the part we fall down on.
It’s important to listen as much, or more than, you talk to try to really understand what he thinks and why he thinks it.
Ask questions if you need clarification. What exactly is he accusing you of?
Is it physical infidelity? Or is it something like texting another guy or speaking to your ex?
It’s important to remember that we all have different ideas of what cheating actually is.
For example, an emotional affair or cyber affair to some people is cheating, whilst for others, only physical sexual acts count.
It’s important to clarify what he thinks is going on, and what has led to these beliefs.
2) Let him know how it makes you feel
Something weird can happen whenever we are accused of something.
Regardless of whether we are totally innocent or not, we may not know how to handle it. You don’t want to end up doing or saying something that makes you look guilty.
But try not to overthink it. Instead, speak from the heart. Be vulnerable enough to let him know how it makes him feel. If it hurts to hear that he doesn’t trust you, then tell him.
One tip though is:
Often when we get angry, it is a mask for hurt. Anger arises as a defense mechanism. But underneath that, we are really just sad.
The problem is that anger can elicit a negative response that only escalates the situation. Whilst showing sadness has a greater potential to elicit understanding and compassion from someone.
So remember that when you are telling your boyfriend how you feel. Rather than ranting to him about how bad it is that he doesn’t trust you, try to be softer.
Use “I” words when you explain what you are feeling.
For example, rather than saying “you make me feel like” say “I feel super sad when I hear that. I feel like you don’t trust me, when I wish you would”.
3) Check your own behavior
Please know that this tip is not about shifting blame onto you. You know whether his accusations are unfounded or not.
But it’s always a good idea to check in on your own behavior whenever you have a problem with someone else. Particularly as we can only ever control ourselves at the end of the day.
So it’s helpful to double-check and ask yourself:
Has any of my behavior or words contributed to my boyfriend’s accusations?
The answer might be absolutely not, and that’s fair enough. But perhaps you might end up identifying things that may not have helped.
For example, maybe you know you can be a bit of a flirt as you love the attention. Even though you know you would never take it any further, you can see how that might spark some jealousy that’s gone too far.
Or perhaps you have realized that you do tend to name-drop your ex a lot in conversation or compare your relationship.
This is a good time to do a little self-inventory of anything you can think of that might have led to trust issues in your relationship.
Again, it’s not about blaming yourself, it’s about identifying practical factors that can help you fix this and strengthen your relationship as you move forward.
These tips will be holding him just as accountable as you, but with yourself is always the best (and easiest) place to start.
4) Get expert guidance for your unique situation
As much as I’m going to cover the most useful tips for when your boyfriend accuses you of cheating, it can be helpful to speak to a relationship coach about your situation.
That’s because every single situation is going to be unique.
With a professional relationship coach, you can get advice specific to your life, your experiences, and your relationship.
Relationship Hero is a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations like this.
They’re a very popular resource for people facing this sort of challenge.
How do I know?
Well, I reached out to them a few months ago when I was going through a tough patch in my own relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
5) Evaluate if this is a pattern of behavior
How big the problem is that you face and how easy it will be to resolve might come down to how persistent this issue has been in your relationship up until now.
Is this the first time you have faced accusations of cheating? Or has it sadly become a regular occurrence?
In which case you are probably going to have to consider how invested you are in the relationship.
If this is a pattern you’ve lived with for a while, are you nearing the end of your tether?Basically, are you willing to invest time, energy, and emotions into fixing it?
It’s an important question to reflect upon and only you know the answer. A one-off accusation could just be a hiccup, but persistent jealousy problems are something else.
6) Look deeper at jealousy in the relationship
Being accused of cheating when you haven’t is just a symptom. Below the surface lies deeper causes that are responsible.
So in order to deal with accusations of cheating, you need to address these underlying causes.
One of which is jealousy.
Small amounts of jealousy are fairly normal in any relationship. It might not sound very mature, but we don’t like the idea of someone taking something from us that we value.
But it can spiral out of control and become very unhealthy.
It will be useful to identify if you have deeper jealousy issues in your relationship. Along with accusations of cheating, other signs of jealousy can include:
- Your partner does not trust you when you’re not together.
- Your partner doesn’t like it when you mention any other guys in conversation.
- He checks up on you constantly, whether by text or social media and wants to keep tabs on where you are and what you’re doing.
- He displays some controlling behavior.
- He gets angry if you want to do things without him.
- He negatively comments on what you wear.
If you suspect bigger jealousy problems then you will need to work on these.
For the jealous partner that is going to involve some serious self-work to curb their imagination, put a stop to their accusations, and understand their insecurities which drive their jealousy.
For the other partner it might involve listening to your partner’s worries, changing certain behaviors (within reason) which trigger their jealousy, reassure and compliment your partner (again, within reason) so that they feel wanted and important to you.
7) Try to improve trust
There are two of you in this relationship, so two of you need to put in the effort if you want to fix your problems.
You don’t need me to tell you that if your boyfriend is accusing you of cheating, you’ve got some trust issues.
Some other signs of trust issues you might notice are:
- Picking fights
- Hesitancy in opening-up
- Assuming the worst all the time (paranoia)
- A volatile relationship (lots of ups and downs as arguments and accusations take place).
The good news is that there are ways to improve trust between you both. Encouraging total honesty is one of the best.
Start by being honest about your feelings towards each other. You’ll find that as you talk through them, you’ll start to build trust again.
Make sure you communicate openly and honestly about trust issues. This means talking about anything and everything, even if it seems trivial. Be open to discussing your fears and concerns.
Make sure you talk about the difference between trust and control.
People with trust issues can accidentally slip into controlling behavior in an attempt to feel more secure. But trusting someone in a partnership means accepting that you cannot control another person, only yourself.
Try to avoid blaming each other. Be patient with each other. Remember that you’re both human beings who make mistakes. And remember that building trust does take time.
8) Acknowledge self-esteem problems
Why is my boyfriend accusing me of cheating?
9 times out of 10 it all comes down to insecurity. This is what sits at the center of the problem. (That is assuming you haven’t cheated, and his accusations are totally unfounded.)
Everything we experience in life starts in our minds.
We often think that things happen in life and we are just reacting to them. And whilst that’s true, the way we choose to see things, react to things and feel about things is 100% an inside job.
If your boyfriend feels insecure about your relationship, that reflects on his own insecurities about himself.
He may have been hurt before, or he may be afraid of losing you. He may not know how to express those emotions.
So when he accuses you of cheating, he’s trying to deal with his own insecurities.
It’s not your fault. It’s not your responsibility. It’s not something you did wrong. It’s simply him feeling bad about himself.
Only he can address deeper self-worth, self-esteem, self-belief, and self-love within himself, but you can support and encourage him with the process.
And if you also struggle with those things, be sure to do your own work too.
Your thoughts affect your emotions. Your emotions affect your actions. Your actions affect your relationships.
So if you want to change your situation, you must first change your thinking (about yourselves and each other).
9) Consider how the past could be affecting the present
Another little fact about human nature is that who we are today has been created and influenced by a series of events that came before.
That means if there has been cheating in the relationship in the past, it may be harder to rebuild back trust.
Perhaps he knows that you have cheated on people in the past and is paranoid you will do the same to him. Maybe you have never cheated on anyone, but past partners have cheated on him and he can’t shake the fear of it happening again.
Considering how our pasts contribute to how we feel today might not change anything, but it can help you to better understand one another.
Which can lead to greater compassion in dealing with it all.
10) Ask yourself if he is projecting his guilty conscience onto you
Have you heard of guilt transference?
It’s basically how we can end up projecting our own feelings onto someone else. We transfer blame from ourselves onto a partner.
In this scenario, your boyfriend has himself violated the rules of your relationship. And so he has convinced himself you have done the same thing.
In essence, his guilty conscience is coming out in accusations against you.
Let me be clear. Your boyfriend accusing you of cheating does not mean that he himself is the cheat.
Jumping to conclusions and accusing him is not going to help. But it is still worth having a think about.
Is there other suspicious behavior that may make you think he is the one who has done wrong?
If your guy constantly makes vague accusations that he can’t back up with any justification, then he could be projecting his own wrongdoing.
11) Try not to take it personally
Trying not to take it personally when your man accuses you of cheating may sound laughable.
But let me explain:
I know that it feels about as personal as it can get. He is calling you a liar, he is saying you are a cheat, and he is inferring you are untrustworthy.
But I hope these tips have at least helped you see that it is most likely about him rather than you.
Sure, there may be little tweaks necessary to your actions or the way you communicate. That goes for all of us in relationships.
But take some comfort in knowing that this is far more a reflection on what is going on inside him (and all those jealousies, trust issues, and insecurities we already alluded to).
Removing yourself from the equation can help you keep your cool, not get defensive, and even feel more compassion over the pain your boyfriend is creating for himself.
That doesn’t mean you accept it all, just because it’s not really about you. Accepting negative behavior isn’t the same as understanding it.
It simply means having the objectivity to step outside the situation for a moment and see that very little in life is personal (if anything). It’s always a projection of sorts coming from the other person.
12) Set clear boundaries and agreements for the future
Every relationship requires walking the line between making compromises and creating firm boundaries. And the same applies in this situation too.
If you both want to save the relationship, after you’ve talked everything through, you need to find a way past it.
That might involve making some practical changes so that you can build better trust and security in the relationship.
That could include things like agreeing whether you’ll have contact with an ex. It could be spending more quality time together to build greater intimacy and a closer bond.
Whatever it is, you may both need to be prepared to compromise to accommodate what the other person needs and wants from the relationship.
But here is a very important point:
Do not let compromise turn into control.
Being mindful of your boyfriend’s jealousy triggers is one thing, but allowing him to emotionally manipulate you into having to change is quite another.
Some examples of overstepping the line would be wanting to check your phone, expecting you to hand over passwords, or trying to dictate who you can and cannot see.
A lot of work will need to take place on the inside if there are jealousy and trust issues.
Simply trying to cut out all the things that make him feel insecure is not only unreasonable but ultimately doomed to fail.
13) Do your own inner work
I was reading a girl talk on Quora about her experience with a jealous ex. She so astutely recognized that maybe she had some deeper healing and internal work to do:
“If you are anything like me, your best bet is to take some time for yourself to examine what about this dynamic attracted you in the first place. After that relationship, I ended up in yet another relationship with a man who constantly accused me of cheating when I wasn’t…Personally, I realized I sought out toxically insecure men as relationship partners, because that was my parents’ relationship dynamic. Once I recognized the dynamic, I could decide that behavior wasn’t acceptable to me…With that knowledge I was able to shift the dynamics of the relationships I attracted.”
Love isn’t always easy. But we also don’t always make it easy on ourselves either.
It’s something I learned from the world-renowned shaman Rudá Iandê. He taught me that the way to find love and intimacy is not what we have been culturally conditioned to believe.
In fact, many of us self-sabotage and trick ourselves for years, getting in the way of meeting a partner who can truly fulfill us.
As Rudá explains in this mind blowing free video, many of us chase love in a toxic way that ends up stabbing us in the back.
Rudá’s teachings showed me a whole new perspective.
While watching, I felt like someone understood my struggles to find and nurture love for the first time – and finally offered an actual, practical solution.
If you’re done with frustrating relationships and having your hopes dashed over and over, then this is a message you need to hear.
I guarantee you will not be disappointed.
14) Know when to walk away
I’ve presented tips for reconciliation and working through your relationship problems if that is what you want.
But I’d like to conclude with the reminder and reassurance that you deserve the best in a relationship.
If persistent accusations put too much of a strain on your relationship you might decide it’s time to walk away.
- Your boyfriend seems unwilling to try and change
- Your boyfriend’s accusations have been consistent for some time now
- The accusations come along with controlling behavior, toxic patterns, or abuse (such as name-calling, manipulation, and gaslighting).