Are you a side chick?
Is the current situation getting to you?
Or have you recently started an affair with a man who is taken and you’re wondering what your future will look like?
Look, being a side chick hurts. There’s no getting around it.
We get emails all the time at Hack Spirit looking for advice on how to deal with being in love with a married man.
Most of them aren’t pretty, to put it kindly.
It’s tough on your emotional health and your self-confidence, but there are ways to deal with the mess you’re involved in.
Here are 10 reasons being a side girl hurts, and then we’ll talk about what you can do about it.
1. You will always be a “dirty little secret”
Your taken man doesn’t want anyone to know about you.
You’ll be a mystery to his friends, family, and definitely his wife.
If he is going to keep you as a side chick, then you need to be kept as discreet as possible.
You might think this is no big deal but think about it for a second.
You’ll never be able to meet him outside of hotel rooms or your place.
He’s in complete control of the times you’ll meet.
He will treat you like a stranger in public.
You’ll never meet important people in his life.
You’ll never be introduced as his girlfriend.
To everyone else, you’re just an ordinary single lady looking for love.
Now if you only want sex with this guy, then it might not seem so bad.
But what we’ve seen with the emails we get at Hack Spirit is that most side chicks develop feelings.
How could you not when you’re getting intimate with a guy that has everything you need?
And when you love someone that is determined to keep you a secret from everyone, it takes its toll on your heart and self-confidence.
2. You’ll never be his first priority
This is especially the case if your man has a wife and kids.
No matter what you tell yourself, his kids and family will always be first priority.
He has commitments to his family.
And if he is the type of guy who doesn’t put his family first, then he’s probably not a guy you want to fall in love with anyway.
Because of these commitments, he won’t always be available when you need him.
You’re just a side chick in his eyes.
I think we all agree that one of the major benefits of a committed relationship is the support and care when times are hard.
But he can’t offer the support you’d usually get in a normal relationship.
He controls when you meet each other, which means you don’t have authority over how you want to live your life.
He won’t sleep the night at your place. No cuddling in the morning or evening.
You’ll be frustrated with the limited time you have together.
No date nights, no romantic dinners. No nights out together.
Once you lose the sexual passionate phase (which most people lose after a period of time) what else is there?
If the relationship is only about sex, then once that’s gone he’ll move onto the next shiny object.
3. You could be sitting around waiting for him forever
I’m guessing that you’ve been doing a lot of waiting around for this guy.
You can only see him when it suits him. He cancels meetings and dates. You might not see him for weeks at a time.
The bottom line is this:
The situation you’re involved in will never move beyond sex.
Most people want to get married and have kids of their own.
Maybe that’s not you right now. That’s fine. You might tell yourself it’s only sex.
But it’s more than likely your priorities will change in the future.
While he might tell you that he loves you, how can the relationship progress when you’re just a side chick?
It can’t. You’ll never get more than what you’re getting now.
It hurts to hear, but it’s important to face the truth.
And every second you wait around is another second you’re left standing still.
Life is about growth and moving forward.
But you can’t do that when you’re a side chick.
4. You’re just being used for sex
Ouch. You might not like hearing that.
But let’s be honest:
Most men cheat specifically for sex.
Do you feel like there is a strong connection between the two of you?
You might be the only one feeling it.
I don’t want to make assumptions, but I’m guessing that you only see him in the bedroom.
Because he’s only after sex. He doesn’t share an emotional connection with you like you think he does.
Once he gets bored he’ll probably move onto the next girl.
He doesn’t really see a future with you.
And he doesn’t truly love you except when you’re in bed together getting it on.
5. You’re short-term
As long as you’re considered a “side-chick”, then I’m sorry to say but you won’t last long.
Can a married man love his side-chick? It’s possible but rare.
You’re a second priority as long as he stays with his wife.
This is why it hurts being a side chick.
If you develop feelings for him (which is likely) then you’ll be disappointed when he moves on.
Or you’ll be frustrated because your relationship with him never goes anywhere.
Affairs are hard to keep going.
They’re a logistical nightmare and there’s a limit to what you can do and where you can go.
6. You might be blamed for breaking up a family
If he does leave his wife for you, blame is going to be put on your shoulders.
The wife and kids will probably blame you for breaking up a family.
That’s going to hurt.
People will question your character and integrity.
And look, it may not be true, but public perception can really bite when they attack who you are as an individual.
Most people won’t know the full story, but that won’t stop them from making negative judgments.
It’s not an easy situation to deal with.
In the end, people will see you as the reason for betraying his wife and disappointing his children.
7. Guilt can really weigh on your mind
Many of us have been taught from a young age that cheating when you’re in a relationship is bad.
So it’s inevitable that part of you will feel guilty.
The emotion of guilt is difficult to ignore.
After all, the reason humans experience guilt is to enable us to take corrective action in certain situations so we can make things “right”.
The guilt you’re feeling is a constant reminder that you’re doing something wrong.
If his wife doesn’t know what’s going on, then you might not feel morally comfortable with how you’re behaving.
That can certainly take its toll on your mind.
And of course, you also can’t control the guilt your married boyfriend has and that is certainly going to disrupt his mindset and how he feels about you.
8. You’re missing out on meeting a guy that is single
The truth is:
He’s probably not going to leave his wife or girlfriend for you and that makes you the other woman.
While you might romanticize the relationship in your mind, he’s going home to his wife at the end of the day and you’re left with a cold bed to sleep in.
You’re not growing and developing anything special.
And you’re also missing out on meeting someone that you could potentially build a beautiful relationship.
You don’t see other options when you’ve got your eyes on one guy.
Maybe you’re building him up in your mind as well.
But if you look at things objectively, you’d realize that this guy is cheating on his wife.
He’s obviously not trustworthy nor does he have much integrity.
Is that the kind of guy you really want to settle for?
9. What if you were to have a serious relationship with him?
What if he left his wife for you?
Do you think it would work out?
Your affair might only be working now because it’s secretive, passionate, and steamy.
Those feelings go away when you’re in a committed relationship with each other.
And how could ever possibly trust the guy?
Did he tell you he was married when he started seeing you?
If he didn’t, that’s a pretty big warning sign that he might do the same thing to you eventually.
I don’t necessarily believe the line, “once a cheater always a cheater”, but you’d be stupid to ignore the fact that he cheated on his wife while simultaneously blind-siding you with a fabricated truth that he’s single.
So even if he does leave his wife for you, will you ever be able to trust him?
Trust is crucial to a relationship.
And you need to have the ability to trust him if you’re going to have a relationship with him in the future.
9. He doesn’t really care what’s going on in your life
There’s a common theme in the emails we receive at Hack Spirit.
The mistress generally loves the married man and will do anything for him.
But the married man won’t do the same.
Sure, when he is in the bedroom with his side chick he is affectionate and caring.
But he’ll struggle to have a proper conversation after that.
He won’t want a bar of you talking about your problems in your life.
It will only serve to complicate his life and his feelings.
After all, his own marriage and family are enough to worry about.
Both partners need to be equally invested in a relationship for it to work.
But the married man tends to be put in less effort than the mistress.
And it hurts not having the emotional support from your lover that we all crave.
10. If he wants to be with you, he would be
When it’s all said and done, people will go to the ends of the Earth to be with the person they truly love.
We can all agree that love is an extremely powerful emotion.
If he genuinely loved you, he wouldn’t care how costly the divorce will be or how hard emotionally it will be for him to go through with it, he would just do it.
If you’re not so important to him that he’s not willing to change his life for you, then I’m sorry to say, but it’s probably not true love.
And he’ll simply replace you with someone else when you leave.
I mean, think about it.
Just say you were married to someone that’s making you miserable.
And then you met the man of your dreams, someone you totally and completely clicked with, would you leave someone you’re miserable with for someone that would make your life infinitely better?
Of course, you would. It’s a no-brainer. Hold him to the same standard.
What can you do now
Being a side chick hurts. That’s been proven.
The question a lot of you reading this will be asking is:
What can you do about it?
Here are some actions you can take:
1. Dump him and find someone better
Straight to the point, right?
I’m sure it’s not as easy as it sounds. You obviously still love the guy.
Perhaps part of you is still hoping that you can be in a serious relationship with him.
But take a step back and ask yourself:
Is he really going to leave his wife for you?
He might tell you that he will, but you need to judge him based on his actions.
If he hasn’t left his wife yet, then what’s really going on?
Most men end up not leaving their wives for the woman they’re having an affair with.
And as brutal as it might sound, you’re probably not going to be an exception to the rule.
There are plenty of men out there (that aren’t married!), and once you’re over his guy, it’ll be clear as daylight that there are more fish in the sea.
The benefit of dating other men is that you’ll realize that there plenty of men out there for you to begin a relationship with.
You don’t need to wait for a guy that’s already married.
2. Put a stop to things until he takes action
If he is telling you that he will leave his wife, but he never takes action, then stop seeing him until he does.
It will either go one of two ways:
He will leave his wife and you can start a serious relationship with him.
Or he never takes action and you can move on with your life.
In the end, it’s a win-win.
4. If after all these points, you still think you can get your man (and it’s better off for all involved) then try this
If you still think it’s the right thing to get this married man to commit to you after reading the brutal truths above and you can categorically say that this will benefit everyone involved (his overall happiness, his wife, and kid’s wellbeing, etc) then you need a gameplan for how you’re going to end up happily ever.
To do this, you need to trigger something deep inside him. Something he desperately needs.
What is it?
For him to take action and be with you officially, then he has to feel like your provider and protector for you. Someone that you genuinely admire.
In other words, he needs to feel like your hero.
I know it sounds kind of silly. You’re an independent woman. You don’t need a ‘hero’ in your life.
And I couldn’t agree more.
But here’s the ironic truth. Men do still “feel” like a hero. Because it’s built into their DNA to seek out relationships that allow them to feel like a protector.
Men have a thirst for admiration. They want to step up to the plate for the woman in their lives and provide for and protect her.
This is deeply rooted in male biology.
When a guy feels like a hero to their woman, it unleashes his protective instincts and the noblest aspect of his masculinity.
Most importantly, it will unleash his deepest feelings of love and attraction.
And the kicker?
A man won’t fully commit to a woman when this thirst isn’t satisfied.
When it comes to a relationship, he needs to see himself as your protector and provider.
As someone, you genuinely want and need to have around. Not as some sort of “fling” or “friends with benefits”.
Now I’d imagine that if you’re currently having an affair with him, then you might already be triggering some of this instinct in him (after all, that is probably one of the reasons he is already attracted to you).
There’s actually a psychological term for what I’m talking about here. It’s called the ‘hero instinct’. This term was coined by relationship psychologist James Bauer.
Now, you can’t trigger his hero instinct just giving him admiration the next time you see him. Men don’t like receiving participation awards for showing up. Trust me.
A man wants to feel like he has earned your admiration and respect.
You don’t need to engineer a scenario where he has to save kids from a burning house or a little old lady from getting hit by a car.
He wants to be your hero, not an action hero.
But there are phrases you can say, texts you can send, and little requests you can use to trigger his hero instinct.
And because no man can resist a woman who makes him feel like a hero, it’s worth learning a few of these emotional trigger points.
If you want to learn more about this powerful technique (from the man who invented it), then check out his short video here.
If you can trigger this instinct successfully, it will drastically increase the odds that this married man will fall in love with you and fully commit. In fact, it could be the missing ingredient to go from a “fling” to a “committed relationship”.
When a man genuinely feels like your hero, he’ll become more loving, attentive, and interested in being in a committed relationship with you.
The hero instinct is the subconscious drive men have to gravitate toward people who make him feel like a hero. But it’s amplified in his romantic relationships.
Hack Spirit writer Pearl Nash discovered this for herself and in the process completely turned around a lifetime of romantic failure. You can read her story here.
Talking with Pearl about her experience is how I was introduced to the concept myself. Since then, I’ve written about it extensively on Hack Spirit.
Some ideas really are life-changing. And for romantic relationships, I think this is one of them.
That’s why I recommend watching this free online video where you can learn more about the hero instinct and how to trigger it in your guy.