Men aren’t exactly known as the best conservationists in a relationship.
Sure, they are great sales people, executives, Dads, and they work hard, but they aren’t winning any communication awards.
If you are married to or dating a man who lacks the common communication skills, or at least, it seems that he does, you are not alone.
Women all over the world are frustrated with the men in their lives, and it has everything to do with their poor communication skills.
Asking a question and trying to get an answer out of them is like pulling teeth. It’s painful for everyone in this case though.
Men prefer to just smile and nod and women want to have long, drawn-out conversations about life and everything about life.
It’s a tough situation.
Here’s how you can get your husband to answer questions without wanting to bop him on the head in the process.
1) Acknowledge the Communication Differences and Accept Them
If you are ever going to get anywhere with your husband’s communication skills, you need to acknowledge that they are not the same as yours.
Stop trying to get him to talk to you the way you talk to him. It’s not going to happen. Men are designed that way and they shouldn’t be expected to talk to women the way women talk to men, or one another for that matter.
It’s not the same thing. So cute your guy some slack and just acknolwedge that yes, this is something that is real in your life.
If you are going to be married to him you are going to have to accept it and not try to change him.
If you are trying to change him, you might as well go find another husband. It’s never going to happen. Embrace the differences instead of trying to fight them.
2) Time it
If you arrive home at the end of the day before he does, don’t bombard him with questions when he walks in the door.
You wouldn’t appreciate it if he did that to you, right? This isn’t about the hard-working man coming home to the little woman, it’s about respecting someone’s communication style and the fact that nobody wants to be hasselled with questions after a long day at work.
The best time to talk about anything on your mind is over dinner when everyone is relaxed and people are not hungry.
You know yourself that when you are hungry you can’t concentrate, let alone answer a barrage of questions.
Don’t expect your husband to do that either. Get some food in everyone’s belly and then bring up your questions over dinner.
3) Hard Talks
If you need to have a serious conversation about your relationship or something that happened, avoid using accusatory language and focus on how you feel.
Think before you speak and don’t blame him for your feelings. He did not make you feel that way, although, yes, it will always feel like it’s his fault you feel this way.
Talk about how you feel, what you think, and how you have experienced the situation and ask him his thoughts. Don’t ask him the question, “why did you do that?” because it sets him up to get defensive.
It’s more effective to probe about what might have prompted him to act a certain way or do something in a certain way.
Try asking, “what made you want to do that?” or, “what were you thinking when that happened?” or, “what did you hope would happen?”
It’s a safer way to approach questions and your husband won’t feel like you are raining down on him, especially if the situation is already awful enough.
4) Check Yourself
Do you really need to be asking all of these questions? Do you really need his input on the color of the kitchen drapes? Does he care? Don’t get mad at him if he doesn’t care.
It’s great that you care, but he doesn’t have to weigh in on everything. And truthfully, he probably doesn’t want to.
But if you know there are things he’d likd to give input on, start with those questions to get the ball rolling.
Momentum can go a long way in a conversation between a husband and a wife, so if you know he cares about the color of the rec room, start with that and lead into kitchen accessories later on in the conversation.
It’s not that what you want to talk about is any less important than what he wants to talk about, but it’s a strategy for getting the information you need and want and it allows you to avoid getting frustrated with him.
Getting mad at him because he has no opinion on the bed linens is not productive and just leaves you both feeling like something is missing in the relationship.
5) Keep Talking
While it might be frustrating to try to get your husband to talk to you the way you talk to him, remember that men and women communicate in different ways.
Over time, you’ll find your own way of talking to one another that is comfortable and acceptable to you both.
Don’t force it though. That just makes everyone upset. The problem is not with your husband’s communication skills.
Unfortunately, the problem is that your expectations are different than what your husband is doing and you want him to conform to meet your expectations.
Discuss this with him and have a real heart-to-heart about why communication is important to you so he can understand that you aren’t just nagging him for the sake of nagging him.
Be open and honest about it and you’ll feel better and have a better sense of how you can communicate with your husband effectively.
(To learn how to create a successful, long-lasting relationship, check our best-selling eBook on dating secrets here).
If you answer “yes” to these 17 questions, you are dating the wrong man
Like many women, you might find yourself questioning whether or not you are dating the right man.
It’s perfectly normal to have doubts when it comes to your partner, especially if you’re wondering whether you could spend the rest of your life with them.
It’s important to consider the product of your choices before doing something you’ll regret, but it’s equally important to ask the right questions to seek the answers that will help you make an informed decision.
1) Does He Protect You?
Protective instincts should be non-negotiable when it comes to a man. And if he doesn’t have them then you’re probably with the wrong one.
There’s a new theory in psychology that’s generating a lot of buzz at the moment. It claims that men in particular have a biological drive to step up for the woman in his life and protect her.
It’s called the hero instinct.
James Bauer, the relationship expert who coined the term, has created an excellent video about the concept. Watch the video here.
Simply put, a man wants to see himself as a hero. As someone his partner genuinely wants and needs to have around. Not as a mere accessory, ‘best friend’, or ‘partner in crime’.
I know it sounds a bit silly. In this day and age, women don’t need someone to rescue them. They don’t need a ‘hero’ in their lives.
And I couldn’t agree more.
But here’s the ironic truth. Men do still need to feel like a hero. Because it’s built into their DNA to seek out relationships that allow them to feel like a protector.
The simple truth is that a man worth being with should have these sorts of instincts. And they should be on display for you to see.
But the good news is that you can actually trigger them and bring them out in him.
By finding ways to make him feel like your hero. There’s an art to doing this which can be a lot of fun when you know exactly what to do. But it requires a little more work than just asking him to fix your computer or carry your heavy bags.
The best way to learn how to trigger the hero instinct in your guy is to watch this free online video. James Bauer, the relationship psychologist who first coined this term, gives a terrific introduction to his concept.
Some ideas really are game-changers. And for relationships, I think this is one of them.
2) Does He Treat His Parents Poorly?
If a man is rude or mean to his parents, siblings, or even friends, it could be a sign that he will treat you poorly in the future as well.
People tend to be mean to the people they love because of the security a relationship like that provides, but it’s not okay to be a jerk to family.
3) Does He Make You Feel Silly About What You Believe or Value?
Does he laugh at your job or hobbies, friends or interests? Does he ask you why you care about certain things or put them down in front of you?
This is a red flag because it means he doesn’t respect your choices, and nobody wants that kind of negativity in their lives.
4) Has He Cheated Before?
Even if he hasn’t cheated on you, if he has cheated on someone else in his life, there’s a good chance he might do it again. Do you really want to be the person it happens to?
5) Does He Hide His Phone From You?
If he is keeping his phone from you, he’s hiding something. He might tell you it’s work related or that there’s nothing to see, but if he won’t let you make a call or check email on his phone, consider asking yourself why he does that before you marry him.
6) Does He Scream at You?
If he can’t keep his cool in check, it might be a red flag for your relationship. If he gets angry and yells at anything and everything, you might have to ask yourself if that is the kind of relationship you want to be in at this point in your life…or ever.
7) Does He Make You Feel Like You Aren’t Good Enough?
If you find yourself feeling self-conscious around him, and worry about wearing the right clothes, saying the right things, and doing your hair just right, you could find yourself in trouble later.
Guys who tell you that you aren’t good enough are not worth investing another minute of your life with – thanks, but no thanks.
8) Has He Ever Hit You or Verbally Abused You?
Even if he hasn’t raised a hand to you, if you are fearful that he might, or he has threatened to hit you, move on. Just do it. That shit doesn’t get better.
9) Does He Give You the Silent Treatment?
If he ignores you when he is mad or acts like a child, it might be a wise idea to reconsider the relationship.
Being in a strong relationship requires people to act like adults and take responsibility for their actions and words. If he can’t even talk to you, what’s the point?
10) Do You Have to Apologize to Start a Conversation After a Fight?
If you always have to suck it up and say you are sorry, that’s a problem. If he can’t get out of his own way to apologize to you and tell you how he is feeling, that’s not a man you want in your life.
11) Are You Worried About Your Future With Him?
If you find yourself daydreaming about what life looks like in 10 years and you wince, this is probably not the relationship for you.
12) Do You Find Yourself Thinking About Breaking Up?
If you are looking for things that are wrong with him or if you keep telling yourself things like “next time, I’m gone” it’s probably best to end it now before you get into a marriage.
13) Has He Ever Scared You With His Anger?
If you have had to take a step back because he scared you, consider what life looks like if you don’t take a step back.
14) Does He Try to Bail on Commitments?
If he is always asking you to stay in instead of going to see your family or wants to skip out on parties, gatherings, your life might be pretty boring in the future.
15) Does He Try to Control You?
If he asks you where you are going and who you will be seeing and what time you will be home, think twice about going further with him. Is he your boyfriend or your Mother?
16) Do Your Friends or Family Dislike Him?
A big red flag for most people is when their friends and family don’t like their partner. If the people around you see something you don’t, ask them what it is.
17) Does He Say He Needs You?
If he threatens to kill himself or says things along the lines of “not being able to live without you” take time to talk about what that looks like and why you are responsible for his life. Or, find another relationship. That’s dangerous territory.
(To learn how to be a strong woman and not taking sh*t from anyone, check our eBook here)
In conclusion: Is your relationship worth it?
Common wisdom says that men only fall for exceptional women.
That we love someone for who she is. Maybe this woman has a captivating personality or she’s a firecracker in bed…
As a man I can tell you that this way of thinking is dead wrong.
None of those things actually matter when it comes to men falling for a woman. In fact, it’s not the attributes of the woman that matter at all.
The truth is this:
A man falls for a woman because of how she makes him feel about himself.
This is because a romantic relationship satisfies a man’s craving for companionship to the extent that it fits with his identity…the type of man he wants to be.
How do you make your guy feel about himself? Is the relationship giving him a sense of meaning and purpose in his life?
As I mentioned above, the one thing men crave more than anything else in a relationship is to see himself as a hero. Not an action hero like Thor, but a hero to you. As someone who provides you something no other man can.
He wants to be there for you, protect you, and to be appreciated for his efforts.
Relationship expert James Bauer calls it the hero instinct. Watch James’ free video about it here.
By triggering this instinct, you’ll immediately force him to see you in a whole new light. Because you’ll be unlocking a version of himself that he’s always longed for.