Kiran Athar
Marriage is a big commitment, and there’ll be times when you doubt you’ve picked the right spouse.
Whether your judgment is clouded by a recent argument, or you’re simply curious as to whether you’ve made the right choice, this article will clear up any doubts you have!
These are the top 10 signs that you’ve married the right person.
Let’s jump straight in:
1) They make you feel secure
Marriage is bigger than just the wedding.
Marriage is about building a life with someone. And with that comes the need for security.
If you’ve married the right person, you should feel:
- Like you can be vulnerable around them; you’re able to open up and reveal what you’d probably keep private from others in your life
- No conversation is off-limit; you’re not afraid to call your partner out on something or discuss those “tough” topics
- There’s enough trust to do your own thing; you don’t need to be constantly joined at the hips
- You can rely on your partner and vice versa; you know your partner won’t let you down in a time of need
But ultimately, you’ll know you’re in a secure marriage if your partner is your place of comfort rather than a source of tension!
Are they the person you can’t wait to see at the end of a hard day at work?
Are they the person you can be 100% yourself around with no judgment?
If so, it looks like you made the right choice after all!
2) Your fights are constructive
Now, just because you’re in a secure marriage, it doesn’t mean you aren’t going to fight from time to time.
The truth is, arguments are actually a good thing.
Why?
It shows you both care enough to get mad and want to make a change!
But the real key lies in how you argue.
And more importantly, how you resolve your arguments.
If you married the right person, your fights should:
- Be dealt with sooner rather than later (i.e, not spending days on end ignoring each other or brushing issues under the carpet)
- Stay fairly “clean” (i,e, you both refrain from being disrespectful, rude, or threatening)
- Focus on finding an outcome (that works for BOTH of you and that betters the relationship)
If your spouse is invested in the marriage for the long run, fights are inevitable.
But if you both work hard at fighting constructively and overcoming your issues TOGETHER, my friend, you’re on to a winner.
Now, there may be a reason your fights work out rather than end in destruction…
3) You have similar life values
If you don’t, it’s a clear recipe for disaster!
A common misconception people make about choosing a spouse is that it’s all about love.
Love is important, but having similar life values is what keeps a marriage going in the long run.
Do you and your partner want the same type of future?
Have you agreed on whether you want kids? If so, do you agree on parenting styles?
Do you agree on how to manage your finances?
Are your religious beliefs (or lack of them) compatible?
Here’s the thing:
You don’t need to agree on everything with your spouse. You may have different goals and ambitions, and that’s okay.
But your values must line up. You need to be on the same page for the big stuff.
As relationship coach Fran Greene explains for EliteDaily:
“Shared values keep you together during difficult times and it will bring you joy during the high points of your relationship. Although values can be tweaked, they cannot be changed. They define who you are. Couples must share similar values, otherwise, they will live in perpetual disappointment and resentment.”
4) You’re supportive of each other
Do you feel supported in your decisions?
Support is another key element of marriage – when the whole world is against you, your spouse should have your back.
As Joseph Nolan explains for TheHealthyMarriage:
“By supporting each other, you’re not only showing your spouse that you care about them, but you’re also investing in your marriage. When you support each other, you’re saying, “I want this marriage to be healthy. I’m willing to put in the effort to make it happen. You matter to me!”
And as Nolan goes on to explain, this doesn’t always mean you agree with everything your partner does.
Within my marriage, there have been times when I wasn’t keen on my husband’s decision.
And while I felt secure enough to let him know I had my doubts, he felt secure in knowing that I’d still support him regardless (so long as it wasn’t harmful to either of us).
At the end of the day, if your spouse is there for you, roots for you, and encourages you to follow your dreams, you’ve picked a pretty great partner!
5) You enjoy their company
Do you actually like being around your spouse?
Marriage isn’t all about being serious and responsible adults. It’s also about having fun!
This is the person you’re potentially going to spend the rest of your life with, it’s important to like them!
But again, this doesn’t necessarily mean you have to enjoy doing the same things.
My husband plays poker and I can barely shuffle a pack of cards.
I like horror movies, he tends to hide behind a pillow the entire time.
But we both make an effort to do things we know the other person enjoys. And of course, we have likes in common, such as traveling, cats, and good food!
So, if you look forward to spending time with your spouse, I’d say you’ve married the right person.
But there’s more to just spending quality time together, which leads me to my next point…
6) You also enjoy alone time
If you’re married to the right person, they should respect your need to spend time apart, too.
As psychologists Rob Pascale and Lou Primavera Ph.D. explain for PsychologyToday:
“Marriages also benefit when spouses have time for themselves, either to pursue their own interests or just to relax. Personal time allows us to maintain our individual identities, provides opportunities to do things we like to do, and lets us feel like we have some control over our lives. Alone time can actually help to keep a relationship fresh and less stressful.”
So, you see, personal time isn’t about “escaping” from your marriage or spouse, it’s about taking time to reconnect with yourself.
It can be as simple as:
- Spending time with your friends (without your spouse around)
- Going for a run by yourself
- Being able to sit in another room in the house with your book undisturbed
And if your spouse recognizes the importance of this, and even encourages it, it’s a sign you’ve chosen a great life partner!
7) You both compromise
You’ve probably heard this many times before – compromise is a key component of any successful relationship.
So, how does compromise work and why is it so important?
Well, here’s an example I recently went through:
My husband wanted to invite his mom and her partner around for dinner last weekend.
I had already told him I wanted a guest-free weekend as I had a lot of work to catch up on.
But rather than get frustrated when he mentioned, again, about inviting his mom, I decided to compromise.
“I’ve already got my weekend pretty booked up, but why don’t we invite her for a midweek afternoon tea?”
The result?
A happy husband, an even happier mother-in-law, and I had the house to myself over the weekend to work!
You see, compromise shows the other person that you do care about what they want. It doesn’t mean you have to give up entirely on your plans.
But you work together to find a solution that suits both of you.
After all, marriage is about being a team!
8) You can have a laugh together
Now, this one is super important…
Can you laugh with your spouse?
I don’t mean the odd chuckle here and there when a comedian is on TV.
I mean the rolling-on-the-floor, gasping-for-breath, type of laughter! You know, when just one look sends you into a fit of giggles all over again…
Don’t get me wrong, people don’t spend their entire marriages cackling away. There’s always a time and a place.
But being able to have a good laugh with your partner is a must.
Let’s be honest – life can get pretty dark sometimes.
And you need to have someone who can make light of tough situations and put a smile back on your face!
So, if you’re able to laugh your way through life with your spouse, not only will it keep your tummy muscles fit, but your mental health will also benefit from all the dopamine, oxytocin, and feel-good endorphins!
9) You encourage each other to grow
But while it’s good to have a joke around from time to time, one thing your spouse shouldn’t take lightly is your personal development.
These are a few really crucial questions you have to ask yourself:
- Does your spouse encourage you to grow and be the best you can be?
- Do they encourage you to follow your dreams and believe in yourself?
- Does your spouse support you as you work on healing old traumas and embracing your authentic self?
If they don’t…I’m sorry to say you may have married the wrong person.
But if they do, wow, you got lucky there! You see, personal development is extremely important within a marriage.
Not only will you become more secure within yourself as an individual, but this should then strengthen the relationship you have with your spouse!
As much as you should spend time on improving your marriage, you should also spend time improving yourself. This is what breaks couples out of toxic communication cycles and habits. It’s what contributes to a successful, long-term relationship!
10) You’re attentive to each other’s needs
A final sign that you’re married to the right person is if they’re attentive to your needs.
Does your spouse…
- Give you enough attention? (They aren’t immersed in their phone during conversations)
- Ask questions? (Such as, how was your day? How did the meeting go? Did you feel good seeing that old friend of yours?)
- Take an interest in your interests? (Do they make an effort, even if it isn’t something they personally care about?)
- Remember things that are special to you? (Such as things you may feel sensitively about, or that you love to celebrate)
Here’s the thing, you married this person because they make you feel special. They pay attention to the details others might miss.
They genuinely want to know how you are and whether or not you had a good day.
If this is still the case, you’ve clearly got a good thing going on in your marriage. Now, get off the internet and go and enjoy the company of your spouse!
But what if you’ve been reading through these signs and none of them resonate with you and your spouse?
What if you’re married to the wrong person?
If you find yourself sitting there, wishing the points above were true for your marriage, it’s a good indication you didn’t marry the right person.
But before you spiral into a dark hole and start contacting divorce lawyers, take a deep breath and consider this:
No marriage has it all.
In my own marriage, there are times when we’ve laughed together, but also periods when we haven’t. We’ve been tense or stressed.
The same goes for support – for the most part, we’ve been pretty supportive, but there have been occasions when one of us missed the mark.
The point I’m trying to make?
If you really love your spouse and they genuinely love you too, there’s still hope! We can’t expect perfection from our spouses, but if they try their best then you may not want to give up just yet…
Consider marriage counseling – it may just be that you need certain tools to navigate the ups and downs of marriage better. The help of a professional can go a long way in turning the “wrong” spouse into the “right” one for you!
But if your doubts run even deeper?
It may be time to accept you didn’t marry the right person.
And you know what?
It might feel like the end of the world right now.
But with the right support in place, you can move on and find love again. As you can see from the points above, when you do, it’s so worth it!
