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15 things you need to know when having an affair with a married woman

The lust, the thrill, the possibility of getting caught, and being the hero to a beautiful woman unhappy with her current marriage.

For some men, there are few things as exciting as dating a married woman.

But it can also be one of the most difficult and riskiest types of relationship you might ever experience.

Dating a married woman is nothing like dating just anyone else.

There are certain rules and truths you need to remember when you play the role of the “other man”, and the sooner you understand your place, the sooner you can truly enjoy your extramarital affair (or kick it to the curb).

Here are 15 truths you need to accept about dating a married woman, and how knowing these truths can make this type of relationship work:

1) Never Let Yourself Forget — She’s Married

First and foremost, before anything else, the most important truth you should never forget is this: she’s married.

This underlines everything you do with her and will make every part of this relationship different from every other kind of relationship you’ve ever had.

Every time you see her, text her, ask her out, and even think about her, there will be a unique filter you might have never had to deal with before, and you might not necessarily always enjoy that.

While you may be able to pretend that she’s not married with a husband and children waiting for her at home, she will never be able to be the single woman you want her to be.

That means considerations will always have to be made, and there will always be different emotions attached to the things you do together.

The way you see yourself will also have to change; you’re not just a boyfriend, not just someone having a fun fling with another adult.

You’re a third party in an established relationship, and there are some deep problems beneath this relationship that will need to be confronted at one point or another.

So tell yourself repeatedly and make sure you truly understand — she’s a married woman, and you’re dating her.

2) It’s Confusing, So Start With Ground Rules Early

When you start dating a new person, ground rules are often the last thing you want to think about.

You and your new lover want to enjoy the ride for what it is, and let things pan out naturally.

And your married partner might want to give your relationship that much natural freedom, simply because she’s tired of the married life and wants to feel free and young again.

But you need to establish ground rules as early as possible, not just for her but also for yourself.

Dating someone who’s already in a legally-recognized relationship means you can’t be as free and cavalier as you might be with any new partner.

Both you and her need to accept the reality that this relationship has to be handled differently so you can both avoid any hiccups.

So ask yourselves — are you both on the same page? Do you have the same expectations? Do you know what you mean to each other, and the limits you both have to what this relationship could be?

These may seem like easy questions for uncommitted partners, but they can be heavy-hitters when dating a married woman.

3) You Have To Hide As Much As She Does

Part of the reason you’re dating a married woman in the first place is the excitement of the scandal.

You love that there’s another man waiting at home for the woman you’re with, and that doesn’t necessarily make you a bad guy.

But while it may be a fun, temporary game for you, you have to remember that it’s a real, potentially life-changing decision for her which could affect her for the rest of her life.

For you, this affair may be nothing more than just another short-term relationship with some extra spice.

For her, this affair could lead to a divorce, destroy her family, and ruin her home life.

This means that just because the stakes aren’t as high for you as they are for her, you need to act as if they are.

So be careful.

Everything you do needs to be scrutinized. Avoid social media, never drive by her house, and always keep your trail clean, especially if her husband is any way involved in your life.

Think about everything you do and make sure that no one in your life or hers could ever connect the dots and figure out that you’re the other man.

This means thinking about your routine (sudden changes to your daily routine can seem suspicious), your online posts (a single picture posted online with her shoe in the background can be disastrous), and everything else.

4) Her Family Is Not Your Family

Whether or not things start to get a little more serious with your married woman, you might start thinking about the possibility of meeting her kids, just in case you end up being their stepdad.

And as she becomes more comfortable with you, she might start sharing more information about them; how her son is starting third grade, how her older daughter is applying to colleges.

Whether you realize it or not, your instinctive, fatherly instinct can kick in and start making you feel like you want to play a more active role in their lives, especially in situations where the father might not be around at all.

But you need to remember that her family is not your family, and will never be your family unless they all grant you complete approval.

No matter how much you and her may whisper sweet nothings to each other in bed, you don’t really know what’s true in her heart.

After all, if she’s lying to the man she married and spent the last several years with, she could just as easily be lying to you.

Never presume to know what she’s thinking, and never engage with her family unless she’s granted you specific permission.

5) Your Relationship Will Never Be Stable

The sooner that you accept that this will never be easy, the less disappointing it will be for both of you.

Your relationship with this married woman may be barely a relationship at all; even if it’s just casual sex, it’ll never be as stable and easy as you want it to be.

She will always have to tiptoe around her husband and kids, meaning plans can change and even be cancelled last minute.

You have to think about all kinds of things you would never think about in a normal relationship.

Are you messaging her on her “safe” apps?

Are you calling or texting her at the right times, or during times when her husband is around?

Do you switch up your hotels, just to make sure you never leave behind a trail anyone can follow?

Instability is at the heart of any extramarital affair, and being the other man, it’s expected that you shape your schedule around hers, since she’s the one juggling an entire marriage and family around your trysts.

Be ready to balance the excitement of spontaneous quickies with the disappointment of canceled, heavily-planned dates.

6) If Feelings Start To Happen, Ask Questions Fast

No matter how “adult” and mature you and this married woman may be, you’re not robots.

Sex can be fun and a casual relationship can feel freeing and exciting, but the longer it goes on, the likelier it is that you or your partner start to develop real feelings for one another.

You need to be ready to deal with that reality when it happens, before some serious heartache starts to grow on either side.

Have you and your married woman discussed the possibility of evolving this relationship, or is it just one of those things that will burn out once the excitement is gone?

Is there any chance of the wife leaving her husband to start a new life with you, or is that just a fantasy you like to entertain?

The longer you let these questions sit unanswered, the likelier that resentment will start to build on either side, and resentment can lead to toxic interactions, thus destroying the relationship before it ever had a chance.

7) You Might Be In Love With the Scandal, Not the Woman

Let’s say that feelings do start to develop; specifically, for you.

You’re probably old enough at this point to remember what it was like being a lustful teenager — having a carnal passion for a girl you could never have, dreaming about her every night, and holding that desire deep inside of you because you knew you could never act on it.

You might be feeling those exact same things, and you might be confusing them now with real feelings of love.

And this time instead of dreaming about going out on a first date with her, you’re dreaming about what it could be like being her new man, living in a nice house with her, and even raising her kids.

If you ever reach this point, you need to take a step back, breathe, and ask yourself:

Are you sure?

How much do you really know about this woman, and how much about her do you actually like?

Try to think clearly about what you like in a partner, and apply those same parameters and expectations to her.

How much of your desire originates from the scandalous situation of an extramarital affair rather than the woman herself?

8) Your Dates Will Never Feel Normal

You won’t always want excitement and thrill. Sometimes you just want something normal, something relaxing, something to help you slow down at the end of a long, stressful week.

But that will be impossible when dating a married woman, simply because a part of your brain will always have to be “aware” of the situation, the time, and what you two might be doing.

Every time you go out to eat, you have to make sure that you’re far enough away that you won’t know anyone in your network, in hers, or in her husband’s.

Even if you spend the day together on your couch watching movies, she might constantly have to check her phone to make sure that whatever lie she’s telling her husband is being maintained.

Then she’ll have an entire host of other responsibilities that have nothing to do with you or her husband — going to work, picking up the kids from school, meeting other friends — and you can never be even the slightest part of those activities.

In a long-term extramarital affair, you will always have to be the last priority on her list, and when you do get time to be with her, there will always be a certain level of alertness that you’ll never shake away.

9) You Can’t Make Her Love You If She Isn’t Ready To Move On

At the end of the day, she’ll always choose her family and her husband; there’s just no way around this.

You might convince yourself that you’re her one true love but it won’t change anything if she’s not willing to leave her husband behind, and she likely won’t be.

No matter how sweet your words are or how amazing your memories might be, she’ll never fall in love with you the same way she has fallen in love with her husband.

It’s easy to be in the middle of it all and be convinced that you are exactly what she needs; that you are her saving grace and that she just didn’t find the “right one” with her husband.

But at the end of it all, keep in mind that she’s married and that being with him means she can’t love you in the same capacity you do.

She’ll never be able to commit and truly give herself to you until she decides to leave her husband for good, no matter how much she says she’s capable of loving two people.

10) Other People Will Definitely Judge You For It

Part of what makes being in a relationship fun is that you get to share your experiences and include other people you care about in your life.

You won’t really enjoy the same luxury if you’re dating a married woman. Everything you do is buried deep down in a cave.

And when you finally decide to tell those closest to you about your affair, they’ll never be supportive about it.

It doesn’t matter if you’re The Nice Guy or how much of an asshole her husband is.

The very fact that you’re dating someone who’s already married automatically puts your ethical and moral standards in question.

You’re already sticking your neck out to keep this relationship going.

With your friends and family knowing you’re seeing someone who’s already committed, you also run the risk of alienating the other people who are closest to you.

11) You Can’t Ever Stop Being Careful, And It Will Only Get Worse

Dating her is never going to be easy.

If anything, it’s only going to get worse.

You can be careful and conscientious about everything but the longer this affair lasts, the more suspicious her husband will be.

Your already elusive date nights will become even rarer.

Whatever time you have together will be even shorter and every moment will be tainted with the feeling of gut-wrenching anticipation and maybe even fear.

At some point the trouble of getting together will be far more cumbersome to the point that seeing each other just feels like an incredible obligation.

If you think you’re having a hard time now, just wait until you have to start moving mountains just to see or even text her.

12) You’ll Eventually Wonder About Your Future

Let’s face it: dating a married woman will essentially lead to nothing.

You’re sharing all these amazing memories but she’ll still come home to her husband and family at the end of the day. A

nd while she’s at home with her family, you’re home alone waiting for the next text, the next call, the next possibility of seeing her again.

The truth is it’s not fair to you, and you know this.

Despite the amazing dates and the steamy sex, you know deep down that you’re getting the short end of the rope here.

While she’s getting time off from her marriage and her life, being with her means ignoring every other relationship candidate that could be your lifelong partner.

Whatever happiness you have in your relationship will be fleeting.

As long as you’re with her, you’ll always be several steps away from being in a relationship that you can actually grow old with.

You’re missing out on a lot of amazing relationship partners, and you know this.

13) The Husband Finding Out Can Be Very, Very Dangerous

Love does things to people. If you feel a pang of jealousy every time you wonder if they’re in bed together, imagine what her husband would feel when he realizes she’s been cheating on him with you all along.

A confrontation is imminent, sure, and that’s the best-case scenario you can ask for.

When push comes to shove, her husband might not be able to control himself and seriously hurt you in the process.

You’ll never know how her husband will react which means you’ll never know what to expect.

He can do anything from doxxing you online to actually killing you.

And that’s just the physical repercussions.

If he’s particularly well-connected (or vindictive), he’ll surely find a way to destroy your life.

Your life will never be the same again once word gets out about you and his wife.

While you’re sneaking at 3 am, picking her up a kilometer away from her house, just remember these things and ask yourself whether it’s still worth it.

14) She Needs More Than Just Sex

To you, sneaking around with a married woman might just be all fun and games.

You might be having fun and enjoying having your power over someone else’s wife, but that doesn’t mean she feels the same way.

To her, this affair might be more than just casual sex.

She might be using this as an avenue to find love, respect, companionship, and any other things she can’t satisfy in her marriage.

In order to keep her around, you’ll eventually have to start fulfilling more domestic roles she might not be getting from her husband.

Your relationship may have started in the bedroom, but her expectations and your responsibilities will inevitably evolve into more every single time until you feel like you can’t give anymore.

15) She Can (And Probably Will) Drop You At Any Moment

Being with a married woman means you’ll never find security.

You’ll never feel at peace or at ease together and you’ll always be looking over your shoulder. And it’s not just with her husband either.

With her, life might never feel stable enough that you can actually enjoy it.

You’ll always be wondering if this date is the last, or if this phone call is the time you finally get caught.

Your time together will just be a series of worries because you know that she can easily disappear from your life if she needs to, and that there’s nothing you can do about it.

The worst part is that she’s allowed to do that.

You likely won’t earn any sympathy from friends or get any reprieve from being left behind because that’s just how affairs work.

She can be cuddling next to you one day and then ghosting you the next.

That’s just part of the relationship and you’re bound to this unfortunate clause just for being in a relationship with a married woman.

 

 

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Lachlan Brown

Written by Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 6 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.

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