Being in a relationship can sometimes be hard. But being single is another thing altogether.
It’s especially challenging when you live in a society where relationships are plastered all over social media in highly-filtered, rose-colored Instagram glasses.
It’s easy to get tired of being single. You’ve third-wheeled one too many times. And your relatives are always asking you when you’re getting married.
Wherever you look, you’re constantly being reminded that you’re alone.
Worse, we’re shamed into believing we can’t truly be happy unless we’re with a significant other.
True, there’s so much joy to be had when you’re sharing your life with someone special. To be honest, there’s nothing better. And it wouldn’t be so bad to have someone to watch Netflix with, either. But being single shouldn’t shackle you into finding joy on your own as well.
After all, it’s hard to find a good man. There’s no doubt about it.
Here are 10 things to remember when you’re feeling especially down about why you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend.
1. Trust that things will get better eventually.
Your attitude towards being single can affect so many things. Are you going to mope around and act all gloomy because you don’t have that special someone? Or are you going to live your best life regardless?
It’s normal to have days when you’re too lonely you eat a whole tub of ice cream by yourself. In fact, it’s important to embrace those days. Recognize that these days will happen.
But it’s not going to happen every day. Things will get better eventually.
In the meantime, try to enjoy yourself as much as you can instead of wasting your energy on the fact that you’re single. Keeping a positive mindset is essential in this journey.
2. There’s a reason why you’re single.
You might not realize it, but there’s probably a reason why you’re single.
And no, it’s not because you didn’t follow that magazine’s 10 Steps To Finding The One. The reason is probably that you need to work on some things for yourself. It can be anything from building your career, discovering your passions, or to simply even finding yourself.
Perhaps there’s an underlying issue you have not able to address.
Have you been using relationships to compensate for something? It’s almost ironic, but there are some things that you only discover when you’re alone.
So take this moment to seek some clarity about what you’re really looking for right now. So that when the right person comes along, you’re as ready and as clear-minded as you can ever be.
3. Learn what a successful relationship takes.
You’re not going to be single forever. As long as you put yourself out there, you’ll find someone right for you—perhaps even in an unlikely place.
When you do, it’s essential to understand what they really want from you. Because if you’ve had failed relationships before then you can’t afford to keep making the same mistakes.
What does a man want from a relationship?
Above all else men want to stand up and provide for and protect his partner. He wants to feel essential to her overall wellbeing.
This isn’t some old fashioned notion of chivalry but a real biological instinct…
There’s a fascinating new concept in relationship psychology that’s generating a lot of buzz at the moment. People are calling it the hero instinct.
Simply put, men want to be your hero. It’s a biological drive to feel needed, to feel important, and to provide for the woman he cares about. And it’s a desire that goes beyond even love or sex.
The kicker is that if you don’t trigger this instinct in him, he will stay lukewarm towards you and eventually seek out someone who does.
The hero instinct is a legitimate concept in psychology that I personally believe has a lot of truth to it.
Let’s face it: Men and women are different. So, trying to treat your man like one of your friends is not going to work.
Deep inside, we crave different things…
Just like women generally have the urge to nurture those they really care about, men have the urge to provide and protect.
How do you trigger this instinct? And give him this sense of meaning and purpose?
If you want to learn more about the hero instinct, check out this free video by relationship psychologist James Bauer. He’s the one who first popularized this concept. And in this video, he offers several unique tips for triggering the hero instinct in your man.
Some ideas are life-changing. And when it comes to relationships, I think this is one of them.
4. You should date yourself.
Dating yourself is not overrated.
Truthfully, it’s the best form of self-care you can ever do. It’s unbelievable how much your perception can change if you flick this switch on.
Instead of stressing about being single at 30, why not celebrate the aspects of your life that aren’t related to dating? Why would you let other people swiping your profile left or right define your self-worth, contributing to your inferiority complex?
Don’t wait for the perfect date. Be the perfect date. Treat yourself to your favorite restaurant. Go on that romantic retreat anyway.
Use all that vacant time to take care of yourself. Enroll in a gym. Take long hiking trips. Spend time with your loved ones.
Don’t waste your time looking for a perfect date. Work on making yourself the kind of person you would actually want to date.
You don’t need another person to “complete” you. You’re already whole as you are. And you’re also awesome! You of all people should recognize that.
Before anything else, you need to be able to love yourself the way you want to be loved by a partner.
(If dive deep into self-love techniques, check out my ultimate guide on how to love yourself here)
5. It’s okay to have high standards.
“You’re single because you have such high standards.”
You probably hear this a lot. And you probably thought that it’s exactly the reason why you’re single. But truth be told, it actually prevents you from making the biggest mistake of your life.
Don’t ever date someone just because you don’t want to be alone. You’ll end up 40 with a mid-life crisis, married to someone you’re actually not compatible with, and stuck because you have kids.
So many people “settle” these days because they think being single is worse.
But would you really rather stay with the wrong person than taking your time to find someone you’ll have much better chances with?
Having said all that, it’s also important to realize that there is no “perfect” person for you. That person does not exist. But someone out there can make you happy, can become your life partner, and can be everything you never thought you needed.
Manage your expectations. Not everyone will tick all the boxes of your list, but there’s someone out there who’s going to be close.
6. Learn to be fine on your own.
There’s a difference between being “lonely” and being “alone.”
The first is a state of mind while the latter is a state of being.
Loneliness seeps at you in moments. It’s 3 am and you’re lying in bed awake, missing the feeling of another person beside you. It’s natural to feel lonely from time to time. The difference is in trying to be okay with being alone.
It’s about thriving in that state of solitude and realizing that you don’t need to be lonely. This is how you learn to love your own company.
Realize that you’re not missing anything. But you are missing out on the opportunity to live your life if you’re too focused on being lonely.
7. Don’t turn into a pessimist.
All of your last romantic forays have left you convinced no one will ever treat you right. Your last date went horribly wrong. And you’ve been ghosted far too many times, it’s almost paranormal.
You have a reason to be careful. That’s a good thing. You’re more cautious, you’ll recognize the signs clearer, and you’ll make better choices.
But don’t let your past make you pessimistic. There are still good people out there.
And if someone as amazing as you are single, then there is bound to be some good ones out there.
(Resilience and mental toughness are crucial to living your best life even when it’s challenging. To dive deep into how to build your own mental toughness, check out Hack Spirit’s eBook: The Art of Resilience: A Practical Guide to Developing Mental Toughness)
8. Surround yourself with the right people.
This is not only crucial when you’re single, but also in your life as a whole.
The quality of the people around you shapes who you are. They affect how you look at things, how you react, and how you think. Make sure you’re surrounded by people who support you and pull you up. The right friends will make these challenging times a lot easier and a whole lot more fun if you let them.
There’s also nothing wrong with cutting off toxic people from your life. It’s during this time, more than ever, that you need the kind of people who make your life better, not worse.
9. Try to be patient.
Yes, it’s easier said than done. But good things do come to those who wait. And better things come to those who wait patiently.
Have the confidence that when the time is right and when all of the pieces click together, that you’ll find “the one.”
For now, don’t make the mistake of chasing for the wrong things. The only thing you’re doing is keeping yourself from seeing the right thing when it finally comes along.
Focus on what you ultimately want and ignore everything else that falls short.
10. In the meantime, breathe.
You’re too hard on yourself. Let it go.
Let go of all the expectations that are weighing down on you. It’s going to happen for you.
It might not be the way you’ve expected, and it might not look like the movies, but it is going to happen. If you believe this yourself, you’re already paving the way for it to find you.
In the meantime, work on becoming the best version of you. Be someone who doesn’t need anyone to feel whole.
Realize that your next love will not complete your life.
Instead, it will only add another beautiful layer to the amazing life you’ve already built for yourself.
After writing about relationships on Hack Spirit for many years, I think many women overlook one crucial ingredient to relationship success:
Understanding how men think.
Getting a guy to open up and tell you what he’s really feeling can feel like an impossible task. And this can make building a loving relationship extremely difficult.
Let’s face it: Men see the world differently to you.
This can make a deep passionate romantic relationship—something that men actually want deep down as well—difficult to achieve.
In my experience, the missing link in any relationship is never sex, communication or going on romantic dates. All these things are important, but they are rarely deal-breakers when it comes to the success of a relationship.
The missing link is actually understanding what drives men.
After 12 years as a private therapist, relationship psychologist James Bauer is now a best-selling author and sought-after relationship coach. And in his new video, he shows you what makes men tick romantically—and the type of women they fall in love with.
James also reveals a relationship “secret ingredient” few women know about which holds the key to a man’s love and devotion.
You may also like reading:
- How a regular guy became his own life coach (and how you can too)
- I was deeply unhappy…then I discovered this one Buddhist teaching
- What J.K Rowling can teach us about mental toughness
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