There’s a thin line between being polite and being outright rude, believe it or not.
It all boils down to context. Saying something with the intention of being polite can actually come off as rude if it’s not appropriate for the situation.
Psychology has a lot to say about this. It turns out, there are certain “polite” phrases people often use that can be taken the wrong way.
In this article, we’re diving into 9 of these seemingly polite things people say that, according to psychology, are actually pretty rude.
Let’s get started.
1) “You look tired”
Seems like a harmless observation, doesn’t it?
Yet, when you tell someone they look tired, you’re unintentionally pointing out that they don’t look their best. It’s a roundabout way of saying they appear disheveled or unwell.
According to psychology, this can be seen as passive-aggressive. It’s a “polite” way of drawing attention to someone’s appearance in a negative light while hiding behind the mask of concern.
Most people don’t intend to be rude when they say this. Often, it’s a misguided attempt at empathy.
However, the recipient might not see it that way. They might feel self-conscious or upset, which is why it’s better to avoid such comments unless you’re close enough with the person to voice genuine concern about their well-being.
2) “No offense, but…”
We’ve all been there. You’re in a conversation and suddenly, out pops the infamous phrase, “No offense, but…”
Let me give you an example from my own life. I was once chatting with a colleague who casually said, “No offense, but I wouldn’t have chosen that color to paint your living room.” Ouch!
In his mind, he was simply expressing a harmless opinion. But here’s the thing: prefacing a statement with “no offense” is like handing someone a gift with a warning label. It’s an immediate red flag that something potentially hurtful is about to be said.
According to psychology, this phrase is a classic example of passive-aggression. It’s an attempt to deliver a blow while still maintaining the façade of politeness.
The lesson here? If you find yourself wanting to say “no offense,” it might be better to hold your tongue.
After all, if you feel the need to preface your comment with a disclaimer, it’s probably not as polite as you think.
3) “You always…” or “You never…”
These phrases are often used when we’re expressing frustration. You might blurt out, “You never help with the dishes!” or “You always forget to call when you’re running late!”
Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?
Psychologists refer to this as “absolute language.” It’s a form of generalization that suggests a person’s behavior is constant and unchanging.
Interestingly, our brains are naturally wired to use absolute language as a way of simplifying complex situations. It’s easier to lump things into black-and-white categories than to acknowledge the shades of gray in between.
However, these phrases can feel accusatory and hurtful to the person on the receiving end. It can make them feel defensive, and instead of addressing the issue at hand, they might start arguing about the accuracy of your statement.
When you find yourself wanting to use an absolute phrase, try to stick with expressing how you feel instead. For example, “I feel frustrated when I end up doing the dishes alone,” or “I worry when I don’t hear from you and you’re late.”
4) “It’s up to you”
At first glance, this phrase seems like a polite way of giving someone else the reins. But depending on the context, it can come across as dismissive or indifferent.
Here’s why: When you say, “It’s up to you,” you might be trying to show respect for the other person’s autonomy. However, it can also feel like you’re shrugging off responsibility or not willing to contribute to the decision-making process.
Psychology tells us that people often want to feel supported and valued in their decision-making. They want to know that their input matters to you, especially in a shared situation or relationship.
Instead of saying “It’s up to you,” try phrases like “I trust your judgment,” or “What do you think would be best?” This way, you’re still showing respect for their autonomy, but also demonstrating that their decision is important to you.
5) “Calm down”
Telling someone to “calm down” might seem like a logical response when they’re upset or angry. But, in reality, it can often exacerbate the situation.
Here’s the thing: When a person is feeling emotional, telling them to “calm down” can come across as dismissive of their feelings. It’s as if you’re saying their emotions are invalid or overblown.
In fact, according to psychology, being told to calm down can actually increase a person’s stress levels. It can make them feel misunderstood and not heard, which could escalate their emotional state even more.
Phrases like “I can see you’re really upset,” or “I understand why you’re angry,” shows empathy and understanding, which is often all someone needs to start calming down.
6) “At least it’s not…”
When someone shares a difficult situation or a problem they’re facing, our instinct as empathetic beings is to try to make them feel better. Often, we do this by trying to show them the silver lining or how it could have been worse.
You might say something like, “At least it’s not as bad as…” or “At least you still have…” While your intentions might be good, this can actually feel dismissive to the person who’s confiding in you.
Psychology tells us that this kind of response can make the other person feel like their problems are being minimized. They might feel like their emotions aren’t valid or that they’re being told they shouldn’t feel the way they do.
Instead, try simply acknowledging their feelings and showing empathy. Phrases like “I’m really sorry you’re going through this,” or “That sounds really tough,” can go a long way in making someone feel heard and understood. It’s a small shift in language, but it can make a world of difference to someone who’s struggling.
7) “You’re too sensitive”
This phrase hit close to home for me. I remember a time when I was upset about a situation, and someone close to me responded with, “You’re too sensitive.”
At the time, it felt like a blow. It made me question my own feelings and wonder if I was wrong for feeling the way I did.
Psychology explains that labeling someone as “too sensitive” can belittle their emotions and make them feel guilty for having natural human reactions. It’s a form of invalidation, subtly suggesting that their feelings are overreactions.
A more empathetic response would be to listen and validate their feelings without judgment. Something like, “I can see why you’d feel that way,” or “Your feelings are important to me,” can make a significant difference in the conversation.
8) “I’m just being honest”
Honesty is generally considered a virtue. But when it’s used as a shield to justify hurtful comments, it can quickly become a weapon.
When someone prefaces or concludes a harsh statement with “I’m just being honest,” it can come across as rude and insensitive. It’s as if they’re saying their right to express their opinion trumps your right to be treated with kindness and respect.
Psychology tells us that honesty without tact can be damaging to relationships. It can lead to hurt feelings and resentment, even if the person delivering the message believes they’re doing so with good intentions.
Instead of using honesty as a free pass to say whatever you want, try to communicate your thoughts in a sensitive and considerate manner. Remember, it’s not just what you say, but how you say it that matters.
9) “Just kidding”
Humor can be a wonderful way to connect with others. But when it’s used to disguise hurtful remarks, it can be more harmful than humorous.
Saying “just kidding” after a biting comment doesn’t erase the sting of the words. It can often seem like an attempt to sidestep responsibility for the hurt caused.
According to psychology, this type of humor can lead to feelings of confusion, humiliation, or even anger in the person on the receiving end.
Before making a joke at someone else’s expense, consider their feelings first. A good rule of thumb is if you have to follow it up with “just kidding,” it might not be as funny as you think.
Final thoughts: It’s all about empathy
The nuances of human interaction and communication are deeply intertwined with our ability to empathize and consider the feelings of others.
One key element in navigating these waters is understanding the potential impact of our words.
While we’ve discussed “polite” phrases that can be inadvertently rude, the underlying thread here is empathy. The capacity to empathize allows us to anticipate how our words might be received by others, and adjust our language accordingly.
The American psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “When someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good!”
As we move through our daily interactions, let’s strive to truly hear each other. Let’s aim for authentic communication that validates and respects the feelings of others. After all, it’s not just about being polite or avoiding rudeness – it’s about fostering understanding, respect, and connection in our interactions with others.
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