How to be a desirable woman: 10 traits that make a woman desirable

What do men find desirable in a woman?

Are you asking yourself this question?

Afraid that you might not be desirable yourself?

After all, if men only seem to be interested in you for a short period of time and they almost never fully commit, then you’re probably wondering what’s up.

Don’t worry. Many women have been in the same position before. It’s completely normal.

But if you think that it might have something to do with your personality or attitude, then it’s easy to fix.

The trick?

You just need to learn a bit about male psychology and what they find attractive.

Look. I’m Lachlan Brown, a psychology expert and founder of the blog you’re reading.

I’ve written thousands and thousands of words on the science of attraction, and today I’m going to reveal everything I’ve learned about what makes a woman desirable.

I’ll also discuss what men don’t find attractive.

We have a lot to cover so let’s get started.

1. Sexy femininity

Let’s not beat around the bush.

Women tend to like strong and alpha males.

And in the same vein, men like an overly feminine and sexy female.

While men love the soft and caring nature of a feminine woman, they also love her power.


Don’t be.

You see, in today’s society, our definition of femininity is a little fuzzy.

For some reason, most people believe that if you’re an overly feminine female that you’re simply passive and a pushover.

But this completely misses the mark.

Femininity is also about being sexy. It’s about owning your sexual power.

You know the type of woman I’m talking about:

Walking confidently in high heels with her shoulders back and chin up.

Everyone can’t help but stare. Males are attracted to her powerful sexual energy. Females envy her confidence.

And she knows how to use this energy to flirt with any man she desires.

This is why everyone loves Beyonce. Her sex appeal radiates through her confidence and power.

A woman who understands the power of her femininity knows she is of high value, and doesn’t need a man to take care of her.

She is confident in who she truly is.

That’s the kind of feminine female a man loves.

2. Can bring the hero instinct to the fore

Have you heard of the hero instinct?

It’s a fascinating new concept in psychology that everyone is talking about.

It explains why men fall in love, and why men commit to a woman over the long haul.

In essence, the hero instinct claims that men desire to feel like a hero for their woman.

They have an innate urge to step up to the plate and provide for her and protect her.

Chalk it up to men’s evolutionary past of being the protector and provider in the relationship. Men have an instinct to make you feel comfortable and secure.

According to the hero instinct, men are driven by three basic things in life:

  • To live a meaningful life and feel appreciated for his efforts
  • To provide for those he cares about, including his family, friends and especially his romantic partner
  • To be respected by those around him.

If you’ve spent any time with a man, you’ll instantly realize that this all makes a lot of sense. Men come in all shapes and sizes, but these 3 psychological urges are common to us all.

The simple truth is that your man doesn’t necessarily want to be an action hero. But he does have a biological urge to be your hero.

We all know that women are natural caretakers. Their best qualities are their loving, caring and selfless nature. Making men feel empowered to feel like a hero, therefore, should be right up your ally.

The main takeaway of the hero instinct is this: Instead of making your guy feel unessential, you need to make him feel wanted and needed.

This doesn’t mean women need to come across as weak. Although you may not need a hero, you do want a man who feels like one.

Your guy probably knows you can do most things on your own. And he probably respects you for it.

But there isn’t any harm in letting him take charge once in a while to fulfill his biological urge to step up to the plate for you.

He wants to have your back. He wants to be your rock. You just need to let him be this once in a while.

If you would like to learn more about the hero instinct, check out this free online video by the relationship psychologist who coined the term. He provides a fascinating insight into this new concept.

3. Men love having a laugh

Everybody loves being around someone who can tell a joke. And men are no different.

In fact, research has found that men like women who laugh at their jokes and can make them laugh, too.

Does this mean you need to start telling witty jokes?

Not at all.

It’s more about having a good time. Joking around. Having fun.

And if you can laugh with him and share a fun vibe together, he’ll absolutely love spending time with you.

There’s no way around it.

Spending time with you will be fun, positive, and exciting.

So make sure you laugh at his jokes, and most importantly, don’t be a fun vampire when he wants to have fun.

Now if you like telling jokes yourself, here’s an important tip.

Don’t tell jokes that make fun of him. Guys are a lot more sensitive than you realize.

So if you can help it, try not to make jokes by teasing him. You might have the opposite effect of turning him off.

You want to make him laugh, not reduce his self-confidence.

4. Be confident

“Be more confident” – Look, I know. This sounds cliche.

How many times have you heard this piece of advice?

I hate to break it to you, but the reason it’s so popular is that it’s true.

We talked above about the importance of sexy femininity.

Well, confidence ties into that.

When you’re confident you embrace who you are. You’re comfortable in your own skin.

People who are secure within themselves are also less likely to judge others negatively.

Do you know what this means?

Men feel comfortable to be around someone like that.

If you’re secure with yourself then he’ll feel comfortable in your presence.

When you’re happy with who you are, people around you become happy as well.

And let’s be honest:

An independent, strong woman who embraces her femininity is the definition of sexy.

And despite what society may tell you, men actually want to be challenged. They want a female who isn’t afraid to tell it how it is and risk offending whoever she disagrees with.

If you really want to get the attention of a man, be confident, and embrace who you are. You’ll instantly become more attractive. I can guarantee it.

5. Men love a good listener

Now let me be clear here:

I’m not saying that you should just listen to him and not express yourself. That’s ridiculous.

But what I’m saying is that most men are very insecure within themselves.

They may not show it. They may hide it with bravado. But their biggest insecurity tends to come from the belief that nobody recognizes them for the man they are and the value and accomplishments they bring.

The best way to make a man feel needed and wanted?

Listen to him. And I mean genuinely listen, without pre-planning what you’re going to say to him.

And you know what happens when he recognizes that you’re actually listening to him?

He’ll trust you and open up to you.

And opening up to you will be the best thing possible for your relationship.

Guys will bond with anyone with who they feel they can share anything.

Expressing himself is how a guy bonds with you. He’ll notice that you’re really listening to him and that you’re engaging about things that he cares about.

And it gives him a chance to drop the bravado mask that he uses to hide from the world.

If you can accept him for who he is when he is not wearing his mask, then my word, he is going to fall deeply and passionately for you.

6. He wants someone to share his goals and dreams

Most guys treat life like a movie. The world is against them and they are on a hero’s journey to beat the world and achieve their goals.

And you know what every Hollywood movie star needs, right?

A woman by his side that sticks with him through thick and thin.

Guys are looking for a girl who can back them up – who he knows supports him and where he is going in life.

That doesn’t mean that you don’t have goals.

In fact, it’s paramount that you do.


Because he wants to support you as well.

If you can show him that you’ll support him through life and all its ups and downs, then he is going to fall for you. And not just fall for you, but to commit to you over the long haul.

7. Compliment him when he tries.

Men absolutely love being complimented. It makes them feel valued and more like a man.

Men aren’t always as secure about themselves as they may seem.

The ways they make an effort are generally subtler than how women do it, so if you see a man trying to work on himself, point it out and compliment him.

He’ll love you for it and it will turn him on.

Admire the parts about him that make him a man.

A man wants a partner who will make him feel like he’s going in the right direction.

Show him that you recognize and see the good parts about himself that other people usually wouldn’t point out. Make him want to continue growing.

8. Love yourself

Sounds lame? Sure. But if you don’t love yourself, how can you expect a man to love you?

Think about it:

If you don’t love yourself, then you believe that you are not worthy of love.

And if you think that you’re not worthy of love, then you’re struggling to build a healthy, long-lasting relationship.

We’ve all heard it before.

People who are confident in themselves and what they have to offer the world are more attractive to those around them.

It’s no different for any man.

It’s about ensuring that you’re lovable and showing your man that you’re worthy of love and interest.

Think about your first forays into the dating world as a teenager.

At this age, most of us are nervous and unsure of ourselves. After all, we’re still figuring out our identity and place in the world.

While some lucky people are able to forge long-lasting relationships at that age, most people don’t. Why? Because they haven’t learned how to love themselves enough to be able to achieve it.

As we grow, we learn to love ourselves. Or at least, that’s the theory.

But loving yourself can be difficult to do, even for the most confident person out there.

We’ve grown up believing that loving ourselves is arrogant and narcissistic, but in fact, it’s the opposite.

Show your man you love and care about yourself, and you’ll be giving him a road-map to loving you.

So, how can you learn to love yourself?

It’s definitely difficult, but what you need to keep in mind is that it’s all about what I like to call “radical self-acceptance”.

Radical self-acceptance means acknowledging that you are who you are and that that’s OK.

It’s not about accepting your flaws so much as it is about celebrating the whole of you, whatever and whoever you are.

No-one is flawless. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has regrets. But many of us spend much of our time trying to change.

We often think ‘if only I could lose weight, then I’d go out and socialize more’. Or ‘if only I was better at networking, then I’d go for a promotion’.

Radical self-acceptance means being able to love the whole of yourself, even the bits that you don’t like or would rather change.

When you can do that, you stop putting barriers in front of your own progression.

You stop worrying that you’re not good enough and you begin to pursue goals and dreams just because you want to.

It means saying ‘I am who I am, and I am going to live my life to its fullest now, rather than waiting for things to change’.

When a woman has the courage to love themselves, then a man can’t help but be attracted to such boldness.

9. Men love intelligence

Your mind is a precious thing, and improving your mental capacity and mental sharpness is a quality that many people find sexy.

The days of people looking down on bookworms are over (and if they’re not, then do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t find intelligence sexy?); these days, it’s all about putting yourself out as the perfect, complete package.

Show people that you have interests, that you like learning new things.

Explore parts of the world that have nothing to do with sexiness or romance or dating, and it will show your potential partners that you are someone who is much deeper than they realize.

Intelligence generally comes with passion, and displaying that passion out for the world to see is always sexy.

10. Men love to be playful

Men like a woman that is playful. There’s no doubt.

Nobody wants to be with someone who is extremely serious 24/7. That can get a little tiring and uncomfortable.

It’s time to bring out that laid-back, playful, and fun side to you. Don’t be afraid of what other people think of you.

Laugh at yourself, make jokes, laugh at him, and enjoy your time together.

Most men are attracted to a more youthful woman but doesn’t mean youthfulness based on age. It means youthfulness based on attitude.

Furthermore, it’s not just about having more fun but making him feel comfortable and calm with you.

Isn’t it more relaxing to hang around someone who doesn’t take everything so seriously?

I think it is. And he will too.

Don’t worry if you think you’re no fun. It’s just an attitude quality you need to focus on bringing out more.

After all, we all have a silly side to us!







Disclosure: This post is brought to you by the Hack Spirit review team. In our reviews, Hack Spirit highlights products and services that you might find interesting. If you buy them, we receive a small commission from that sale. However, we only ever recommend products that we have personally investigated and truly feel could be valuable to you. Read our affiliate disclosure here. We welcome your feedback at

Did you like my article? Like me on Facebook to see more articles like this in your feed.

Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 15 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. Check out my latest book on the Hidden Secrets of Buddhism and How it Saved My Life. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Twitter.

11 signs of a spiritual awakening ending your relationship

13 signs of a dysfunctional relationship and what to do if you’re in one