8 things a narcissist does when they realize you’ve figured them out

Navigating the waters of a relationship with a narcissist can be tricky. When you finally piece together their behavior, it’s like shining a light on something that’s been lurking in the shadows. I’m Tina Fey, founder of Love Connection, and I’ve spent years helping people understand complex relationship dynamics.

In my experience, narcissists tend to react in certain ways when they feel exposed. They may try to regain control, or perhaps they’ll simply switch tactics. But understanding these reactions is key to handling the situation effectively and protecting yourself.

In this article, we’ll look at eight common things a narcissist does when they realize you’ve figured them out.

Because knowledge isn’t just power – it’s also the armor you need in dealing with a narcissist. 

Let’s dive in. 

1) They go on the offensive

Narcissists are known for their self-centered and defensive behavior. They hate being exposed and they’ll do just about anything to avoid it.

So, when a narcissist realizes you’ve figured them out, their first reaction is often to go on the offensive. This could mean they start criticizing or belittling you, or they might even try to make you feel guilty for “accusing” them.

It’s important to remember that this is not about you. It’s about them trying to regain control by shifting the focus away from their own behavior and onto yours.

But don’t let them manipulate you into feeling responsible for their actions. Their defensive response is a testament to your insight, not a reflection of your character.

This is one of the classic signs that a narcissist knows they’ve been found out. So be prepared for it, and don’t let them shift the blame onto you.

2) They shower you with compliments

Being in a relationship with a narcissist can feel like you’re on a roller coaster. One moment they’re attacking you, the next they’re showering you with compliments. It’s all part of their manipulation tactics.

When a narcissist feels exposed, they might suddenly start praising you and emphasizing how much they value you. This is usually an attempt to make you doubt your own perceptions and keep you hooked.

I’ve seen this happen many times in my years as a relationship expert. It’s a subtle tactic that can easily make you second-guess your own judgment. But remember, flattery is often used as a weapon by those who wish to deceive us.

As Mark Twain wisely said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” But don’t let a narcissist’s compliments cloud your judgment. Stay grounded in your own perceptions and experiences, regardless of the praise they’re offering.

3) They play the victim

Playing the victim is a classic narcissist move. This is especially true when they realize you’re onto them. They might start telling sob stories about their past or make up situations where they were wronged, all in an attempt to gain your sympathy and deflect attention from their own behavior.

I remember when I was researching for my book, Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship, I spoke to hundreds of people who experienced this exact behavior.

Many of them were initially taken in by these tales of woe. After all, it’s natural to feel sympathy for someone who seems to have been through a lot. But remember, a narcissist uses these stories to manipulate your feelings and maintain control.

My book provides detailed strategies on how to deal with this kind of manipulation. It’s a valuable resource for anyone looking to understand and break free from codependent relationships. Don’t let a narcissist’s victim act cloud your judgment or manipulate your feelings.

4) They might actually agree with you

Here’s where things can get a little counterintuitive. When a narcissist realizes you’ve figured them out, they might actually agree with you. Yes, you read that right.

This can be very disorienting because it goes against their usual defensive tactics. But remember, for a narcissist, it’s all about control. By agreeing with you, they may be trying to regain control of the narrative.

They may admit to some of their faults, but usually with a twist that redirects blame or minimizes the impact of their behavior. For instance, they might say something like “Yes, I can be self-centered sometimes, but only because I’ve had to fight for everything in my life.”

This is another manipulation tactic designed to confuse you and make you question your own judgment.

Even when a narcissist seems to be agreeing with you, be cautious and remember to trust your own perceptions.

5) They ramp up their charm

Narcissists are often incredibly charming. This charm is one of the things that can draw you into their web in the first place. When they realize you’ve seen through their façade, don’t be surprised if they turn up the charm even more.

In my own interactions with narcissists, I’ve found this to be a common response. They’ll become more attentive, more flattering, and seemingly more interested in you. It can be easy to fall back into old patterns when faced with this charm offensive.

But remember, this is a tactic designed to keep you under their influence. It’s like a magician’s trick – while you’re focused on their charm, you’re not noticing their manipulative behavior.

As hard as it may be, try not to get swept up in the charm. Stay focused on their actions, not their words.

6) They may resort to threats

This is a tough one, but it’s important to address. When a narcissist feels cornered, they might resort to threats. This could be threats to end the relationship, threats of self-harm, or even threats against you.

I won’t sugarcoat it – this can be incredibly scary. It’s a desperate attempt to regain control, and it shows just how far a narcissist will go to avoid facing their true selves.

If you find yourself in this situation, please reach out to someone you trust or a professional. You don’t have to navigate this alone, and there are resources available to help you.

Threats are a form of emotional abuse. It’s crucial to prioritize your own safety and well-being. You deserve to feel safe and respected in your relationships.

7) They try to make you doubt yourself

One of the most insidious tactics a narcissist uses when they realize you’re onto them is gaslighting. This is when they manipulate you into questioning your own reality and sanity.

Perhaps they’ll tell you that you’re overreacting, or they’ll deny things happened the way you remember them. Over time, this can cause you to doubt your own memories, perceptions, and judgement.

In my years studying relationships, I’ve seen the damaging impact gaslighting can have. It’s a tactic that can leave you feeling confused and alone in your own experiences.

But always remember this powerful quote from Maya Angelou: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” Trust your instincts and hold steadfast in your own truth. You know what you’ve experienced, and no one has the right to make you question that.

8) They may disappear

This is an especially painful one, but it’s not uncommon. When a narcissist realizes you’ve figured them out, they might simply disappear. They may stop returning your calls, block you on social media, or even move away without a word.

This sudden disappearance, or “ghosting,” can leave you feeling confused and hurt. It’s a cruel way to end a relationship, but for a narcissist, it’s often easier than facing their own behavior and the consequences of it.

I won’t lie to you—it’s rough. It can leave you with a lot of unresolved questions and emotions. But it’s important to remember that this is not a reflection of your worth.

Their disappearance is about their inability to face reality and cope with their own shortcomings. You deserve someone who respects you enough to communicate honestly with you. So as hurtful as it may be, try to see this as the closure it is and start focusing on healing and moving forward.

Conclusion

Understanding a narcissist’s reactions when they realize you’ve figured them out can be a powerful tool in navigating your relationship with them. The tactics they use might vary, but the goal is always the same – to regain control and avoid facing their own behavior.

Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. Many people have walked this path before you and there are resources available to help you navigate the complexities of these relationships.

If you’re interested in learning more strategies to deal with narcissistic behavior and break free from codependency, I’d recommend checking out my book, Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship.

It’s a tough journey, no doubt, but remember: You are stronger than you think, and you deserve to feel respected and valued in your relationships. Don’t let a narcissist’s tactics make you question your worth or your judgment. Trust yourself, and keep moving forward.