Isabella Chase
There’s a fine line between being calm and being passive-aggressive.
Spotting the difference can be tricky, as passive-aggressiveness often hides under a guise of politeness or silence. But make no mistake, below the surface, emotions are simmering.
Being passive-aggressive is essentially expressing negative feelings in an indirect way. And there are certain phrases that can reveal when a seemingly calm person is actually quietly seething.
So, let’s dive into these 8 phrases that will help you recognize a passive-aggressive person. By the end of this article, you’ll be a pro at picking up these subtle clues.
1) Fine
The word “fine” is one of those deceptive expressions that can easily mask a passive-aggressive person’s true feelings.
Most of us use the term “fine” to express acceptance or satisfaction. However, in the realm of passive-aggressiveness, it might just be a time bomb ticking away.
When asked about their feelings or opinions, a passive-aggressive person might respond with “I’m fine” or “It’s fine”. But if their tone, body language, or subsequent actions don’t match up with this affirmation, there might be more brewing beneath the surface.
The key to understanding the hidden message is context. Listen closely to what’s being said, but also pay attention to what’s not being said – the nonverbal cues.
Remember, when a passive-aggressive person says they’re “fine”, it might just be their way of subtly expressing displeasure without causing a scene. So next time you hear “It’s fine”, tread carefully!
2) Whatever
Let me share a personal experience that perfectly illustrates the hidden power of this often-dismissed phrase.
Once, my roommate and I were having a disagreement about whose turn it was to do the dishes. After a bit of back-and-forth, she simply shrugged her shoulders and said, “Whatever”.
At first, I thought I had won the argument. The dishes were done and the issue seemed to be settled. But over the next few days, I noticed a clear coldness in her behavior. Short responses, less eye contact, even avoidance.
It took me a while to connect the dots. Her “whatever” wasn’t an admission of defeat or an agreement with my point. It was her way of expressing annoyance without directly confronting the issue.
So, beware of “whatever”. It’s not always as dismissive as it seems. In fact, it can be a passive-aggressive person’s weapon of choice when they’re quietly seething but don’t want to openly express their anger.
3) I’m not upset
The phrase “I’m not upset” is a classic in the passive-aggressive playbook. It seems straightforward enough, right? But when it comes from a passive-aggressive person, it’s often anything but.
Psychotherapist Signe Whitson, an expert on passive-aggressiveness, explains that this phrase is often used as a way to deny feelings of anger or annoyance. It’s essentially a way to express negativity without having to take responsibility for it.
When someone insists they’re not upset — especially when their behavior suggests otherwise — it could be a silent alarm indicating that they’re actually seething inside.
This kind of emotional denial can leave others feeling confused and frustrated. So next time you encounter an “I’m not upset”, remember to take it with a grain of salt. The person might just be trying to maintain a calm exterior while wrestling with inner turmoil.
4) I didn’t know you’d take it personally
This phrase is a masterstroke in the passive-aggressive arsenal. It allows the speaker to deliver a blow and then retreat behind a wall of supposed innocence.
When someone says, “I didn’t know you’d take it personally”, they’re essentially deflecting responsibility for their actions and placing the blame on you for being overly sensitive.
It’s a tricky maneuver as it can make you feel guilty for reacting to their initial negative comment or action. This is a classic example of passive aggression, where the person avoids direct confrontation but still manages to express their negative feelings.
So, beware of this phrase. It’s often a sign that a person is subtly expressing their annoyance or anger without having to directly acknowledge it.
5) I was just joking
We’ve all been there. Someone says something that stings, and when they see our reaction, they quickly add, “I was just joking!”
Humor is a beautiful thing. It brings people together and lightens up the darkest situations. But in the hands of a passive-aggressive person, it can be weaponized.
When someone uses humor to mask their displeasure or to deliver a veiled insult, it’s not only hurtful but also confusing. One moment you feel the sting of their words, the next moment you’re left wondering if you misinterpreted their intentions.
It’s a clever way for them to express their negative feelings without having to take responsibility for them. After all, they were “just joking”, right?
So, the next time someone delivers a blow disguised as a joke, remember that it’s okay to acknowledge the hurt. It might just be their way of expressing anger or frustration without having to directly confront the issue.
6) No worries
“No worries” – a phrase I used to use quite often, thinking it was a casual, easy-going way of expressing that I wasn’t bothered by something.
One day, a close friend pointed out that I often said “no worries” when, in fact, I was clearly irked by something. It was a lightbulb moment for me. I realized that I had been using this phrase to mask my true feelings and avoid confrontation.
It’s easy to say “no worries” when someone forgets to do something or makes a mistake. The phrase is seemingly polite and forgiving. But if the person saying it is upset or annoyed, they might be using this phrase as a passive-aggressive way to express their dissatisfaction without openly addressing it.
Look out for this phrase and consider the context in which it’s used. Behind those two simple words, there could be a sea of unexpressed emotions.
7) If that’s what you want
The phrase “If that’s what you want” is another classic in the realm of passive-aggressiveness. On the surface, it seems like an act of yielding or even a demonstration of respect for your choices.
However, when used by a passive-aggressive person, it’s often anything but. It can be a veiled way of expressing discontent or disagreement without openly saying so.
By using this phrase, the person puts the focus on your desires, making it seem as if they’re accommodating you. But in reality, they might be silently seething or resenting the situation.
So, when you hear “If that’s what you want”, tread carefully. It might just be a sign that the person is unhappy with the decision but doesn’t want to directly confront the issue.
8) Whatever you say
“Whatever you say” – these three words are the red flag you need to watch out for. It’s the ultimate passive-aggressive phrase. It may seem like the person is agreeing with you, but beneath the surface, it’s often a sign of suppressed anger or frustration.
When someone says “whatever you say”, they’re not really agreeing with you. Instead, they’re subtly expressing that they’re upset or annoyed, but without confronting the issue directly.
This phrase is a way for them to shut down the conversation and express their resentment indirectly. So, when you hear “whatever you say”, it’s important to understand that there might be more going on underneath.
Unmasking the silent seethe
Peeling back the layers of human behavior is a complex task, and passive-aggression is no exception.
The phrases we’ve discussed are just the tip of the iceberg. They’re subtle signs that point to a deeper struggle – a struggle to express negative feelings openly and directly.
When we encounter these phrases, it’s crucial to remember that they’re often cries for help, masked under a veneer of politeness or indifference.
Dr. Scott Wetzler, a psychology expert, says “passive-aggressive behavior is a deliberate and masked way of expressing covert feelings of anger.” It’s a way for people to express their frustration without having to confront it directly.
Understanding this can change the way we interact with people exhibiting these behaviors. It allows us to approach them with empathy and patience, encouraging open communication rather than further suppression.
So the next time you hear a “whatever” or an “I’m not upset”, remember to look beyond the words. There might be an unexpressed emotion waiting to be acknowledged and addressed.
