Wondering what makes a woman good in bed?
Perhaps you’re a woman yourself, and you’re wondering how you can improve your own performance.
Fair enough. Sex is an important part of life.
The best bit?
If you follow the tips in this article, you’ll undoubtedly be a step ahead of most women.
Because women in today’s society are often taught to suppress their adventurous side when they meet someone they really like for fear it will make them look less “girlfriend material“.
But that’s not the case.
Men love a woman who is good in bed, and it makes them even more likely to fall head over heels for you and commit over the long haul (if that’s what you’re looking for).
Look, I’m Pearl Nash, one of Hack Spirit’s chief writers, and I’ve read and written hundreds of thousands of words on the science of attraction and lust, and in today’s article, I’m going to reveal everything I’ve learned that will help you improve your performance in bed.
We have a lot to cover so let’s get started.
1) Learn to initiate sex
Surprised? Don’t be.
Men often complain that “she never initiates sex”.
It’s annoying for a man when they’re the only ones making advances.
It makes them think that you’re only having sex because the man wants sex.
According to a study by Susan Sprecher, PhD, a professor of sociology, sexual satisfaction was greater in relationships in which partners initiated equally or in which women sometimes initiated sex.
“Many women I see in my practice are strong, progressive women in all other areas of their lives. But when it comes to an intimate sexual level, they aren’t comfortable expressing themselves, and they feel a man should pursue them.”
In fact, several studies have found that many men like it when their female partner initiates sex.
Matt Sess, 39, of New York City, told Medicine Net that he has always been the initiator of sex in his 8-year relationship with Laura, “But when she initiates sex, it’s definitely a turn-on,” he says. “It doesn’t happen a lot, but when it does, it’s a pleasant surprise.”
The question is: How can you, as a woman, initiate sex?
Cosmopolitan surveyed women to see how they do it.
Here are 3 ways:
“If I want to be more subtle, for whatever reason, I will go to bed wearing only my short nightgown with no undies. My husband will invariably run his hand up my leg, discover the lack of underwear, and events will progress from there.”
“Kissing, fondling, groping, usually followed by, ‘Wanna get naked with me?'” [via]
“It’s usually when we are in bed about to sleep. I’ll just start by rubbing his chest and stomach, and then maybe lean over and kiss his neck. I just pay attention to his reactions and then start sliding my hand down lower and lower…” [via]
2) Be open-minded
If you’re the type of woman that has a strong knee-jerk reaction to anything out of the ordinary during sex, then that might turn off a man.
If you also question their sanity and whether or not they’re weird for pursuing such a sexual act with you, then it might point to the fact that you’re not very open-minded when it comes to sex.
There are other styles to sex than missionary, you know?
You see, we all have fantasies about sex, and while we often think that our own sexual fantasies are “quirky”, we also believe that anyone else’s is just perverted.
This isn’t the case.
If your partner suggests that you try doing something different, then you should at least consider it.
First, take a step back and ask yourself: Will it hurt me or him emotionally or physically?
If not, then why not give it a shot?
Women who are great in bed are open to new ideas. However, that doesn’t mean you need to agree to them all.
Furthermore, it’s not just being open to new ideas that’s important, but searching for new ways to improve the sex yourself.
According to sex expert Kevin Darne, a sign that someone is good in bed is when “you are always keeping an eye out for new and different ways to rock your mate’s world as well as enhance your own experience.”
Kevin says that this “may entail reading books, magazine articles, blogs, watching videos, or utilizing toys.”
Take joy in learning about new sex positions and different things to try. It’ll impress your man more than you think.
3) Sexy femininity
Let’s not beat around the bush.
Women tend to like strong and alpha males, especially in the bedroom.
And in the same vein, men like an overly feminine and sexy female.
While men love the soft and caring nature of a feminine woman, they also love her power.
You see, in today’s society, our definition of femininity is a little fuzzy.
For some reason, most people believe that if you’re an overly feminine female that you’re simply passive and a pushover.
But this completely misses the mark.
Femininity is also about being sexy. It’s about owning your sexual power.
You know the type of woman I’m talking about:
Walking confidently in high heels with her shoulders back and chin up.
Everyone can’t help but stare. Males are attracted to her powerful sexual energy. Females envy her confidence.
And she knows how to use this energy to flirt with any man she desires.
This is why everyone loves Beyonce. Her sex appeal radiates through her confidence and power.
A woman who understands the power of her femininity knows she is of high value and doesn’t need a man to take care of her.
She is confident in who she truly is.
That’s the kind of feminine female a man loves.
And this is the exact kind of attitude a man loves in the bedroom. We spoke above about the benefits of initiating sex.
Well, this is no different. It’s about embracing your feminine power and taking control in the bedroom.
Sexy confidence in the bedroom can turn your partner on even more because you’re not afraid to display your sexuality with them.
According to sex expert Ricciardi, “having confidence could include you leaving the lights on, going completely nude, or wearing something super sexy”.
Ricciardi says this is extremely sexy to a man because “you can take control of the situation. You’re vocal. You’re enthusiastic. You feel them desiring you!”
So be confident in who you are, and bring that sexy confidence to the bedroom.
4) Can bring the hero instinct to the fore
Have you heard of the hero instinct?
It’s a fascinating new concept in psychology that everyone is talking about.
It explains why men fall in love, and why men commit to a woman over the long haul.
In essence, the hero instinct claims that men desire to feel like a hero for their woman.
They have an innate urge to step up to the plate and provide for her and protect her.
And this is no different when it comes to action in the bedroom.
Chalk it up to men’s evolutionary past of being the protector and provider in the relationship. Men have an instinct to make you feel comfortable and secure.
According to the hero instinct, men are driven by three basic things in life:
- To live a meaningful life and feel appreciated for his efforts
- To provide for those he cares about, including his family, friends and especially his romantic partner
- To be respected by those around him.
If you’ve spent any time with a man, you’ll instantly realize that this all makes a lot of sense. Men come in all shapes and sizes, but these 3 psychological urges are common to us all.
The simple truth is that your man doesn’t necessarily want to be an action hero. But he does have a biological urge to be your hero.
We all know that women are natural caretakers. Their best qualities are their loving, caring and selfless nature. Making men feel empowered to feel like a hero, therefore, should be right up your ally.
This works wonders in the bedrooms, as explained by a guy that was interviewed in The Cosmopolitan:
“Guys, like women, want to be wanted. When a woman is whispering in my ear, and telling me how much she wants me, how hot she finds me, and she shows it, then that is the best sexy I’m going to have. I’m also going to give myself more to her at the same time.”
The main takeaway of the hero instinct is this: Instead of making your guy feel unessential, you need to make him feel wanted and needed.
This doesn’t mean women need to come across as weak. Although you may not need a hero, you do want a man who feels like one.
Your guy probably knows you can do most things on your own. And he probably respects you for it.
But there isn’t any harm in letting him take charge once in a while to fulfill his biological urge to step up to the plate for you.
He wants to have your back. He wants to be your rock. You just need to let him be this once in a while.
If you would like to learn more about the hero instinct, check out this free online video by the relationship psychologist who coined the term. He provides a fascinating insight into this new concept.
5) Men like variety
We’ve seen it time and time again on the Hack Spirit blog. Guys complain about doing the same old with their woman.
“Why won’t she do this?!”
Basically, what men want, is to be given something that they’re not used to. Something that surprises them and turns them on.
Varying the taste of what you offer can work wonders.
If you’re always operating where he is on top, then why not try your hand at going on top?
It’s little things like this that can make all the difference.
You see, sleeping with the same person over and over is kind of like having the same meal over and over.
Sometimes you just need to switch up the taste a little.
Variety shouldn’t be scary. After all, variety is like a lightning strike that awakes the passion between the two of you.
6) Don’t make fun of his buddy down below
This is important, and many women forget about this.
But don’t ever make fun of his penis. This means to insult his little buddy or even make a joke about it being a bit smaller than you’re used to.
It’s not funny and the man won’t appreciate it.
The worst bit?
He’ll get completely turned off because it will completely emasculate him. This is a quick tip, but an easy one to remember: Don’t make fun of his penis!
7) Get good at oral sex
In general, the better someone is at giving and receiving oral sex, the better they tend to be in bed.
Despite it being intimidating, putting your mouth on someone’s genitals and letting them do the same to you is incredibly intimate.
It really increases the length of the show, and it makes it so much more fun for both parties involved.
It will increase the sexual energy and passion between the two of you. Oral sex is far more intimate and personal than normal intercourse and both of you will appreciate it immensely.
8) Be confident
Women who are good at sex carry themselves with a great deal of confidence.
But it’s not just sex that they’re good at: they tend to be better communicators, have better jobs, live in nicer neighborhoods, and drive better cars than women who don’t carry themselves with a sense of confidence.
You can usually tell when a woman is good in bed when you pay attention to the way she walks.
If her head is high, shoulders are back, and her hips are moving from side to side with a bit of attitude, get ready for a wild ride.
9) Drink those fancy drinks
Some studies have shown that women who drink cocktails and wines are more adventurous in the bedroom.
While beer can suppress a woman’s mojo, lively spirits and wines can get the blood pumping in a way that adds to their sexual experiences.
It sounds strange, and if you don’t drink, then don’t worry about it. But for those who do (which, let’s be honest, is most people) then consider livening things up and ordering a cocktail. It might make you more adventurous when you go home with your man later in the night.
10) Revel in the taste of food
Women who are better in bed tend to take it slow and enjoy the moment. They savor every touch, every kiss, and every smell.
So, to practice, do that within your food.
Food is very sensual and can be quite erotic. Women who enjoy eating food slowly and reveling in the tastes and sensations of the food tend to be quite passionate in the bedroom.
Women who rush through meals or eat on the go don’t get the same experience from their food that a woman does when she sits down to enjoy a meal.
11) Enjoy those flavors
There have been many studies and theories conducted and developed about how people react to food, sexually.
Certain seafood have long been known to create the perfect storm in a person’s body to harness an amazing sexual experience. You can now add ice cream to that list, too.
One study revealed that women who enjoy strong flavors of ice cream tend to be better lovers.
What was the most impactful flavor, you ask? Espresso. A strong hit of caffeine and the sensual experience of eating ice cream can create a memorable experience for you.
If a woman takes care of her body, she is usually quite confident about it.
If you can be confident in your body, and you’re more willing to show it, then a man is going to be turned on by that confidence.
Women who hide under sweaters and don’t spend much time exercising might not be the kind of lover a man is looking for in his next sexual encounter.
Women who exercise are more likely to show off their bodies to signal they are confident and proud of their body. This can also translate into more confidence in the bedroom.
13) Practice your kissing skills
This is a big one. Kissing is incredibly important to make your man feel loved and lusted.
While your first kiss might not be as perfect as you imagined – hey, there’s a lot of pressure on both sides of that kiss! – There is a lot of correlation between how a woman kisses and how she performs in the bedroom.
If she is stiff and can’t relax into the kiss, she likely won’t be able to relax and enjoy herself during sex.
If, however, she knocks socks off with a kiss, you can expect a good time in bed as well.
As you might expect, a woman who is a good kisser is also probably good at other things involving her tongue.
How to be good out of bed too
Sure, being good in bed is a great skill to have up your sleeve early on in the relationship. It’s certainly going to keep him nice and interested.
But it’s not going to ensure he’s being exclusive to you.
It’s not going to form the foundation of a solid relationship that will see the two of you into the future.
Believe it or not, relationships are about much more than just sex.
If you’re looking to build something lasting with this guy (no pun intended) that goes beyond just the bedroom, then it’s time to trigger his hero instinct.
Never heard of this term before?
It’s the best-kept secret in the relationship world.
This game-changing concept was first used by relationship expert James Bauer in his bestselling dating book His Secret Obsession. It describes the biological drive inside a man to provide for those he cares about.
It goes way beyond his physical feelings for you.
It’s about his need to step up for you and earn your respect in return.
By triggering your man’s hero instinct, and tapping into this urge he has, he will feel like an everyday hero in your life.
Men want to make a difference in the lives of those who are important to them. Especially women they love.
By triggering this drive, you have the potential to take your relationship to that next level.
Instead of simply being a booty call (albeit a great one!), you can turn the casual relationship the two of you have into something much more.
No more questioning what you mean to him or whether this relationship has the potential to go anywhere.
Start owning the relationship and the feelings that come with it.
Sound good? Get started today. Watch the free video here.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.