Have you heard the term sapiosexual thrown around and wondered what it meant? Or are you trying to figure out if you identify as a sapiosexual? Then read on.
Gone are the days where romance blossomed from a coy look across a ballroom or an introduction from someone your parents deemed appropriate.
In today’s world of internet dating and ‘there’s an app for that,’ it’s more likely that you’ll look at a picture on your phone for five seconds before you swipe right to indicate that you like the other person. And they say romance is dead, eh?
If you identify as a sapiosexual, this world of instant matches and quick hookups may not be for you. Simply put, a sapiosexual someone who cannot be attracted to someone unless they first develop an emotional connection.
Does this sound like you? Asexuality.org explains it in more detail:
“A sapiosexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone. It’s more commonly seen in but by no means confined to romantic relationships. Nevertheless, this term does not mean that sapiosexuals have an incomplete or half-sexuality, nor does it mean that sexual attraction without emotional connection is required for a complete sexuality. In general, demisexuals are not sexually attracted to anyone of any gender; however, when a sapiosexual is emotionally connected to someone else (whether the feelings are romantic love or deep friendship), the sapiosexual experiences sexual attraction and desire, but only towards the specific partner or partners.”
What’s the bottom line? How do you know if you are a sapiosexual? Read these six signs and see if you identify.
1) Almost all your relationships have begun as friendships
You find something comforting about dating a friend. You know them and have bonded over common interests and have a solid foundation to now build a relationship on.
A friend is someone you can easily have deep and meaningful conversations with, so it makes sense that you would eventually fall for them.
The downside is that when you date a friend, you often miss out on the honeymoon or discovery phase, and instead face uncertainty about boundaries now that you have progressed from friends to a couple.
2) After a first date, you still have no idea how you feel about the other person
For the majority of people in the dating pool, they’ll go on a date with another person and at the end of the date they’ll make some decisions. Do I want to see them again? Should I give them my number? Should I kiss them goodbye?
But for you, one date is not enough time for you to decide if you like the other person. You need a multitude of dates to get to know the other person intellectually and emotionally before you can figure out if you find them attractive or not.
3) You can still feel instant attraction to a stranger… kind of
Just because you identify as sapiosexual, it doesn’t mean that you can’t meet a gorgeous stranger and find them sexually attractive. You can like the way they look and find that arousing. However that isn’t the full story. In order for you to feel anything deep or meaningful – it’s got to be based on more than looks.
4) If you find someone you like, it’s a big deal
You’re the opposite to your friends who go from crush to crush. For you, liking someone happens so infrequently that when it does happen it’s a huge deal. I mean, huge.
5) Friendships can be confusing
Mostly, you enter into a friendship without any agenda or idea of how your feelings will develop over time. But when you are friends with someone of the gender(s) you are attracted to and you find yourself starting to become attracted to them, it can take you, and them, by surprise.
6) People often think you are a prude
You aren’t having sex with as many people, or as often as your friends so you often get called a prude. It doesn’t mean you don’t like sex, you just do what is right for you and your feelings.
For those of you who identify as sapiosexual, how about grouping together to create a rival dating app called SSFF – Sapiosexual Friends First. Where you spend a month chatting before meeting, and then after ten face to face meetings you decide if you want to start dating. Anyone? No? Awkward.
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In this age of information overload and pressure to meet others’ expectations, many struggle to connect with their core purpose and values. It’s easy to lose your inner compass.
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