Commitment is a tricky subject.
Beware of advice that makes it seem simple or straightforward.
Things like “just put your foot down and let your guy know that it’s time to commit or hit the road.”
Come on. Seriously?
Here in the real world commitment is a complicated issue that requires some sensitivity and finesse. I know in my own life that it took a lot of learning and growing before I understood how to get my man to really commit to me without pressure.
There’s nothing worse than the feeling that no matter how much you put into a relationship the guy just doesn’t appreciate it.
You can see him eyeing the door to leave before he barely steps inside. You can feel him backing out of conversations before they’ve even begun.
It’s not a great feeling.
But I also know that feeling resentful and anger are not the solution. Neither are mind games or pressure tactics. They just don’t work – and even when they seem to be working in the short-term they often backfire and lead to awful situations and breakups.
Still … commitment is important
Nonetheless, I’m writing this because I completely sympathize with women who want men to commit.
Commitment matters because without it you can often feel like you’re on shaky ground.
Of course, nothing in life is for sure and even every moment we can’t take for granted.
Still, there is something deeply valuable about having the man you love make you a promise and mean it and do his absolute best to stick to it. I know how great it feels and how much better it can feel to be in a committed relationship instead of the wishy-washy sands of dating and temporary hookups.
That’s why I’m going to open up about what to avoid and what to do if you want to get your man to commit.
Here are the 33 things I learned in my journey.
1) Don’t chase him
As a strong woman myself, I know that the instinct to chase can be strong.
You see what you want and you go after it. That’s an admirable instinct.
But you need to resist it.
Showing interest is perfectly fine. You can be your flirtatious, beautiful self all you want.
But don’t get needy and chase him. Take your time answering texts and keep social media interaction to a minimum.
Your love interest will come your way if he’s attracted, don’t worry about that and don’t lower your value to be overly attention-seeking and in hot pursuit.
2) Trigger his hero instinct
If you want your man to commit to you, then you need to give him something he really wants.
What do you think really drives men?
Money? Sex? inning fantasy football?
While these can all be important, the one thing men crave more than anything else is respect. And when it comes to relationships, men want to earn the respect of the woman he cares about.
There’s a new theory in relationship psychology that’s generating a lot of buzz at the moment. And it goes to the heart of the type of women men commit to.
It’s called the hero instinct.
A man wants to see himself as a hero. As someone his girlfriend genuinely wants and needs to have around. Not as a mere accessory, ‘best friend’, or ‘partner in crime’.
And the kicker?
It’s actually up to the woman to bring this instinct to the fore.
I know it sounds a bit silly. In this day and age, women don’t need someone to rescue them. They don’t need a ‘hero’ in their lives.
And I couldn’t agree more.
But here’s the ironic truth. Men do still need to feel like a hero. Because it’s built into their DNA to seek out relationships that allow them to feel like a protector.
The simple truth is that if you want to make a man commit to you without pressure, then you have to empower him to feel like a hero.
How do you trigger his hero instinct?
The best way to learn to do this is to watch this free online video. James Bauer, the relationship psychologist who first coined this term, gives a terrific introduction to his concept.
Some ideas really are life-changing. And when it comes to getting a boyfriend, I think this is one of them.
3) Embrace your mystery
You’re a mysterious, gorgeous woman. Remember that.
Even if you’re already dating this guy you need to keep that part of yourself that’s still a mystery.
I’m not talking about being emotionally shut down, I’m just talking about sometimes keeping your innermost experiences and thoughts a beautiful mystery.
You also want to be upfront and honest with him about your life and what you do when you’re away from him.
But you want to keep that hidden part of yourself that he can’t resist, that secret smile you give only to him that he can’t quite decipher.
Mona Lisa’s smile is famous for a reason.
4) Live your life
When you’re in a relationship or really falling for a guy it can be tempting to put everything on hold until you get the romance issue “resolved.”
Keep living your life, meeting your friends, and pursuing your goals.
Obviously, you should be making space for your special guy but you should not be hitting the pause button on your dreams and the rest of your life for him.
Let him come to you and earn your affection and attention.
Remember: you have a life to live and don’t only rely on him or his time investment and ability to commit to keeping you happy.
5) Reverse psychology can work …
You’ll recall what I said about no mind games, and I meant it.
But reverse psychology can be a little more mature than a “game.” What it means is owning your own reality and not letting him set all the terms.
Don’t be that woman who’s pining for commitment and the perfect guy. Flip the script.
Be a little hesitant about commitment. Give a little smile when he talks about how things seem to be getting serious and say:
“You never know.”
Make him prove himself and don’t be ready to slam a ring on your finger at the first sign that he’s into you.
6) Communicate with him (in a way he’ll understand)
The simple truth is that male and female brains are different.
For instance, the limbic system is the emotional processing center of the brain and it’s much larger in the female brain than in a man’s.
That’s why women are more in touch with their emotions. And why guys can struggle to process their feelings and commit to a relationship.
I learned this from relationship guru Michael Fiore. He’s one of the world’s leading experts on male psychology and what men want from relationships.
Watch this excellent free video to learn about Michael’s life-changing solution for dealing with men who won’t commit (even when things seem to be going so well).
Michael Fiore reveals what you need to do to make your man commit to a deep and passionate relationship with you. His techniques work surprisingly well on even the coldest and most commitment-phobic men.
If you want science-based techniques to make a man fall in love with you and STAY in love with you, check out this free video here.
7) He is not your glowing Greek god
The guy you’re with or into may be very attractive, charming and who knows what else.
But he’s (probably) not a Greek god.
And anyway, some of those gods were kind of major jerks if you think about it (come on Zeus, disguising yourself as a swan to rape a lady, honestly just yuck).
But anyway: embrace your inner self-confidence and remember your worth.
You don’t need to plan everything around him or give him everything he wants.
Your schedule doesn’t hinge on him and neither do your emotions.
If he’s really in love with you it’s going to come out in the end. You have no obligation to pamper him or drool over his perfect abs. You have a lot to offer too.
8) Sex isn’t for manipulation
Trying to use sex to seduce and get him to commit won’t work.
Don’t do it.
If anything it will accomplish the opposite and get him using you for sex or resenting you for dangling it over his head.
Build your relationship connection so that sex doesn’t make or break it.
Connect on a deeper level than physically and remember that he won’t truly commit to you in order to get more sex, it just doesn’t work that way.
9) Keep being hot
This tip sounds a bit snooty, but I mean it in the best way possible.
Not all of us are glamorous supermodels and honestly, the media’s portrayal of female beauty is kind of ridiculous anyway.
But it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pay attention to your appearance.
Get your nails done, spruce up your hair, wear clothes that accent your figure.
These seemingly “shallow” things that may only appear like surface aspects show your guy day in and day out that you value yourself as a woman and care about being attractive and well-presented.
That’s going to be just the kind of woman that a high-quality guy wants to commit to long-term.
10) Make him feel essential
Men thrive on solving women’s problems.
If you have something you need fixed, or your computer is acting up, or if you have a problem in life and you simply need some advice, then seek your man out.
A man wants to feel essential. And he wants to be the first person you turn to when you genuinely need help.
Although asking for your man’s help may seem fairly innocuous, it actually helps to trigger something deep within him. Something that is crucial to a man wanting to commit to you.
For a man, feeling essential to a woman is often what separates “like” from “love”.
Don’t get me wrong, no doubt your guy loves your strength and abilities to be independent. But he still wants to feel wanted and useful — not dispensable!
Simply put, men have a biological drive to feel needed, to feel important, and to provide for the woman he cares about.
Relationship psychologist James Bauer calls it the hero instinct. I talked about this concept above.
As James argues, male desires are not complicated, just misunderstood. Instincts are powerful drivers of human behavior and this is especially true for how men approach commitment.
So, when the hero instinct isn’t triggered, men are unlikely to commit to a relationship with any woman. He holds back because being in a relationship is a serious investment for him. And he won’t fully “invest” in you unless you give him a sense of meaning and purpose and make him feel essential.
How do you trigger this instinct in him? And give him this sense of meaning and purpose?
In an authentic way, you simply have to show your man what you need and allow him to step up to fulfill it.
In his free new video, James Bauer outlines several things you can do. He reveals phrases, texts and little requests that you can use right now to make him feel more essential to you.
11) Set your standards and don’t break them
When you let people walk all over you they often do exactly that.
Have standards that you stick to for everyone (even yourself) and keep them consistent.
If this guy pisses you off with totally unacceptable behavior then call him out. Not in a nagging or bitter way, just honestly and straightforwardly.
Tell him his actions let you down and aren’t something you accept.
Tell him you love him but you know he can do better.
12) Don’t lose him over a label
Everyone likes to feel valued and you may think: how much more could a man feel valued than for you to want to get serious with him?
That’s actually the wrong way to look at it.
Your guy wants you to love him for him – not for the serious relationship label.
If he starts to feel like your real priority is fitting him into a “relationship box” more than actually being with him specifically as an individual person, then he is going to start to rebel and feel really uncomfortable.
Valuing and seeking commitment is one thing, but trying to fit a guy out for all your expectations and labels at the expense of actually letting a natural connection develop is another thing entirely.
13) Keep conversations natural
It’s OK to talk about commitment, especially once you’ve been dating for a while.
It’s OK to talk about getting serious.
But let the conversation flow. For God’s sake put in a bit of humor.
Don’t make it like a job interview. Just check in honestly with your guy about where he’s at and what he’s feeling.
Don’t make him feel like there’s only one right answer and he either has to come up with it sincerely or lie to placate you.
No, no, no.
Talk about commitment by all means, but be open to what comes out of the conversation and let your guy know it’s safe to open up around you no matter what he has to say.
14) Let him miss you
There’s no need to be around your guy 24/7 to get him to commit.
Let him miss you once in a while: girls’ nights, work trips, time with your family and relatives.
When he’s in love with you that feeling is only going to grow with your absence.
Work on your skills and follow your passions, let him come to you and share in the joy together.
Reciprocity is just a big word for being in something together. Having great experiences together and being physically and emotionally close will lead to commitment when the time is right.
Don’t make it conditional like “I’ll do X if you do Y,” but also don’t be afraid to naturally expect a sort of back-and-forth as you continue your journey of intimacy together.
Assuming you’re both in this together then it should flow naturally:
The conversations, the sex, the advice, the bonding.
16) Be Your Own Woman
Some women think that to get a guy to commit you need to be as agreeable as possible.
Conform to his schedule, his values, his plans.
It’s closer to the opposite.
It’s deeply true that a guy wants to be your protector and savior. It’s called the hero instinct and it’s very real.
But he wants to be the hero of a woman who’s strong and independent. Who has her own opinions and priorities. Who makes him earn her trust and love.
Be that woman.
17) Let him do his thing
It’s fine to have expectations of a guy you are seeing, but it’s key that he understands he can be committed to you and still have his freedom.
That means his friends, his time alone, his weekends playing sports, and so on.
If he thinks you will cut in on all the other parts of his life he’s going to be wary to commit.
When he sees that you love and respect him enough to let him still have his life and be committed to you then he’s going to be a lot more likely to take the plunge.
18) Jealous games don’t work
It’s definitely possible to make your man jealous. Some even more than others.
But it won’t make him commit to you. Guaranteed.
It will make him annoyed. It might make him chase you hard and then dump you. But it won’t increase those vital and genuine feelings of love and attachment that will make him want to be with you long term.
Show him he’s the guy you love and those other men aren’t who you’re after.
If you play games trying to make him jealous don’t be surprised when he uses you.
It’s a harsh world out there for those who play games with other peoples’ emotions.
19) Meet the parents
Yes, like the movie (but with less crazy mishaps). If you’ve been dating for a few months make an effort to meet his family.
Don’t be pushy about it, but bring it up.
It could be fun, and it will give him a picture of how a future with you could look.
It could also freak you out and make you wonder why you ever wanted to get serious with this guy when he’s related to those people. Just joking. Maybe.
Welcome to the family.
20) Know when to be vulnerable
It’s true that being a strong independent woman can be a real turn-on for guys.
And help you establish your own inner confidence and drive,
But showing your vulnerability and opening up to him is also necessary if you want to trigger that deep part of him that wants to commit and be with you forever.
It’s OK to ask for his help, to admit you’ve had a bad day, to curl up with him and be a bit emotional.
He’ll be touched and even more attracted and he’ll want to be there for you.
21) Blow his mind
Blow his mind and blow him … away with your intellect.
And your sense of humor.
When he loves all the time he spends by your side – good and bad – then you are already on the path to commitment.
Yes, relationships are work, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be work with a person who makes you feel incredible.
And who opens your eyes and hearts to new ways of seeing the world, intimacy and relationships.
22) Let him give you advice
Your guy will appreciate if you let him give you advice now and then.
Honestly, he may have almost no clue what he’s doing.
But it’s sweet to watch him try a bit, right?
Plus it can often lead to some epic cuddle sessions.
So, let him give you advice about your annoying boss, how your dad is getting on your nerves, or your struggles with cooking a casserole. It’s going to result in laughs and deeper connections.
23) Treat him right
Guys want to get the opportunity to make you feel special and treat you right.
But the same goes from your end.
Make him feel special and listened to. Make his wins your wins.
Take him out for a delicious dinner in the town after his big promotion and treat him right in bed afterward.
What more could a man ask for?
24) Set reasonable boundaries
What this means is to have some reasonable boundaries around common things that come up.
Not in a nagging or annoying way.
More like asking him to clean up after a night of having his buddies over. Or letting him know you need some extra time to yourself when you get stressed at work.
This is just a matter of establishing personal space and expectations. He’ll be on board in no time.
25) Make him work for it
Guys are natural hunters and they will value what they have to work for.
You should show him your interest and affection by all means, but you also want to make him earn and value your love.
Because it’s a precious gem and a priceless diamond.
So, don’t just lavish praise and attention on him no matter what.
Let him see that he’s got to work a little bit.
And then tell him how sexy he looks in that sweaty t-shirt.
26) Don’t live in the past
If you’ve had disappointing experiences around lack of commitment in the past it can be hard to live in the present.
I totally get that.
But you can’t live in the past or put emotional baggage from before on the guy you’re with currently.
That will sink even the strongest potential relationship.
Live in the present and let the commitment grow naturally.
27) Be yourself … everyone else is taken
Yes, we’ve all heard the corny cliche before. But seriously, it’s true.
Avoid trying to live up to some “image” or type you think your man wants.
Be you: true, in touch with your emotions and living life the best you can.
Think about it. What a nightmare if he fell in love with a fake version of you and you were living a lie anyway, right?
You’re better off just being yourself and letting the chips fall where they may.
28) Talk him up
Guys won’t respond well to empty flattery.
But well-spoken, genuine compliments will increase his attraction and commitment to you. This is especially true when they’re directed at his peers and friends.
Men have a tribal instinct that cares a lot about how those around them value and perceive them.
Boosting him up and being in his corner will make him see you as the kind of woman he wants to stick in the long run.
29) Make friends with his friends
Your guy likely has a few friends that mean a lot to him.
They won’t always be exactly your cup of tea or share your interests. But you should do your best to make friends with them and appreciate his friends for their positive qualities.
When your man sees the way you fit into his life he’s far more likely to make a commitment with you and be there for the long haul.
30) Don’t let him pamper you
At the same time as your guy has a deep inner need to look after you, he doesn’t want you to become like an extra work responsibility.
If he has to do every little thing for you he could genuinely get exhausted and want out.
It’s fine for him to share a hefty burden of relationship tasks and daily activities, but don’t play helpless and let him dote on you.
Pampering doesn’t lead to feelings of wanting to commit, especially if he’s financially supporting everything you do and starting to feel used.
31) “I love you”
If a man cares about you and is attracted he will usually consider committing.
But due to his own issues and disappointments or a feeling that commitment isn’t necessary he may often back down from going down that route.
What you need to do is make it clear to him that your connection is more than just “nice” or “fun,” it’s life-changing.
Don’t be afraid to tell him you love him.
You just might hear it right back.
32) Be his #1 cheerleader
If you want a guy to commit then you need to be his biggest fan.
Support his dreams and believe in what he stands for. Show him he’s your hero every day in sweet ways that don’t go over the top.
Life can be tough, and having you in his corner is going to mean a lot.
Especially when he thinks of how things will be five or ten years down the road.
Wouldn’t it be nice to still have you around backing him up?
33) Be his safe haven
Guys want to be strong and lead.
They want to protect their woman and save her from harm.
But sometimes they also want a tough chick who’s in their corner and will listen to them open up about anything. They will fall in love with your compassion and your beautiful heart.
At the deep connection, they’ve found with you that they haven’t found anywhere else.
Be his safe haven and respite from the storm.
Think of the special place you both share as Commitment Harbor.
So now he’s committed to you … what next?
Finding love and letting it grow is no cakewalk. I know that Rudá Iandê’s free masterclass on love and intimacy really helped me a lot and made me see some big things I was missing in my relationship with myself and life.
At the end of the day, there is no “trick” to get a guy to commit.
There are only ways to reframe the situation and understand its deeper aspects. And how your behavior feeds into them for the better or worse in terms of commitment.
Keep enriching and enjoying your relationship and don’t focus too much on commitment. Some guys take longer even when they’re really in love and there’s no way to force it.
It’s also important, to be honest: there’s a dark side to positive thinking or believing that just sticking to good emotions and experiences will somehow make you “get” everything you want.
Sometimes the guy you are with simply won’t be ready or willing to commit and you have to accept that and decide whether it’s time to break things off and move on or stick with him longer.
I can’t make that decision for you.
But if you’re on the edge of him being able to commit I sincerely hope the above tips will help you take things to the next level.