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12 ways to slowly win your ex back (from personal experience)

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This is a topic that I have a lot of experience with.

The unfortunate truth of life is that breakups happen.

If you’ve broken up with your partner for a while now and decided that life completely sucks without them, you’ll need a game plan to get them back.

I should know. My wife and I broke up several years ago.

After a few months apart and feeling completely unfulfilled, I realized I needed her back.

Instead of being desperate and begging her to return, I went about it slowly.

And thank god I did – because initially, she didn’t like the idea of getting back together.

But over time, she reconsidered and realized she missed me more than she thought.

If I didn’t take it slow, I would have never gotten her back (and we wouldn’t be married now!)

Here is a picture of my wife and me. We are certainly happier now we’re back together!

So today, I want to go over what worked for me in getting back together with my wife and what I’ve seen work for my friends when they managed to mend their broken relationship.

I want you to be just as happy as I am right now.

Here are twelve critical steps to take to get your ex back slowly.

1. Ask Yourself if You Really Want Them Back

The first question you need to ask yourself is:

Do you really want them back?

Or have you just seen happy couples throughout the day and thought:

“Hey, that looks nice. I want that too!”

Now you’re thinking about getting back together with your ex to experience all the lovey-dovey moments that couples have.

Let me be clear:

This is entirely different from genuinely wanting to get back together with your ex.

If you want to get back together just to experience all the good things, you might already be heading toward disaster.

So take this time to ask yourself if you want your ex back, or if it was just something you felt in the moment.

I knew I wanted my ex-girlfriend back. I genuinely missed her. I realized I couldn’t live without her.

I wanted to share the rest of my life with her, not just the good moments but all of them, including the bad and ugly ones.

So ask yourself:

Are you willing to go through the challenges and difficulties that ended your relationship in the first place?

If you can say yes and genuinely believe you will stay together, then continue reading.

2. Hold Off on Texting Them for Now

Deciding to get back together with your ex may not be as simple as asking them out of nowhere.

You need to be prepared for it.

A general rule of thumb is to limit contact with each other as much as possible, especially if you’ve just broken up.

My wife and I spent three months apart; ultimately, I think that was what we needed.

It gave us the time to figure out exactly where we were headed and whether or not we wanted to continue going down the same path.

The bottom line is this:

Being apart helped us see how much we wanted to be with each other.

So if you’ve just broken up, don’t act rashly and text them immediately. You’ll just look desperate, and desperate is never attractive.

Make sure to give them space and limit your communication with them for a while.

This will also help you with step one:

Give you time to reflect on whether you truly want them back.

3. Focus on Improving Yourself

Maybe before, you weren’t as patient with them.

Or you were always jealous when they went out and met with people you didn’t know.

Now that you have some alone time, you can deeply introspect and ask yourself why you felt that way.

Relationships can be tedious to manage.

Often, it gets complicated by unresolved issues from either one of you.

For example, I realized that I wasn’t a very good communicator.

I was so wrapped up in my life and what I was doing. I didn’t listen to my partner when she told me something important in her life.

It’s tough to admit you’re self-centered, but it helped me become a better person.

Most importantly, it’s helped me become a better husband.

So think about why your relationship ended and what you might have done wrong.

Then work on improving yourself.

If you need help processing your emotions and feelings, you can reach out to your closest friends, family, or even a professional.

Personally, I spoke to the experts at Relationship Hero – this is a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated love situations. It helped me clarify where I went wrong in the relationship and what I could do to improve myself for next time.

If you’re interested, check out Relationship Hero here.

The bottom line is this:

Becoming a better version of yourself will make you feel better and more attractive; it’s a win-win for you.

4. Immerse Yourself in Other Areas of Your Life

While you’re away from each other, you can focus your attention on other things.

Spending too much time thinking about your ex and possibly getting back together all day long might not be the most productive use of your time.

Spend time with your family.

Go on a road trip with your friends.

Double down on your efforts at work.

Now is the time to explore. Go traveling, experience new cultures, and gain a better perspective on life.

When you do more things you love, you realize that your relationship isn’t your entire world.

It also helps you become happier, potentially making you even more attractive to your ex.

It’s about ensuring that all other areas of your life are secure before taking on another responsibility: being a good partner.

5. Leverage Social Media

Social media can be a powerful platform for reconnecting with old friends or sharing your adventures with others.

If you want to capture your ex’s attention, you can try posting about all the fun adventures you had while separated.

For example, I traveled with my friends and made sure to post our adventures on social media.

This showed I was living my life, and I was happy. Stuff like this will pique your ex’s curiosity.

Try to avoid sharing photos or quotes that show how sad or heartbroken you might have been.

If you share those and then ask for them back, it might come off as a little desperate, which turns off most people.

If your ex notices how much fun you’re having without them, it might increase your chances of them contacting you first.

6. Now is the Time to Contact Them

Remember when you last spoke with your ex?

You were probably distraught and probably looked needy and desperate in their eyes.

When I broke up with my wife, I couldn’t stop crying.

I’m pretty sure that was a massive turn-off for her.

If you followed step 2 and haven’t contacted them for a while, they’re probably wondering what has happened to you.

They (hopefully) have forgotten how you looked the last time you saw them, and they’ll begin to remember all the great moments you had together.

So contact them, keep it casual, and organize a coffee date or a drink.

Now is your moment to show them how much you’ve improved since they last saw you.

7. Be Prepared to Lose Them

This tip will be hard to implement, but it’s essential.

When you meet up with them, you must be prepared that they don’t want you back.

If you go in with the idea that they will immediately fall back in your arms, you’ll come across as needy and desperate.

Needy and desperate will NOT win them back.

I met my wife for a casual drink. I approached her like I would any date. I didn’t expect anything and simply focused on having a good time.

The better date you have together, the better your chance of getting them back.

If you want to watch a video on how to re-spark their romantic interest, then relationship expert Brad Browning’s video is definitely worth watching.

No matter what your situation is — or how badly you’ve messed up since the two of you broke up — he’ll give you several valuable tips that you can apply immediately. Check it out here.

8. Show Them the Change

It’s one thing telling them that you’ve changed, but it’s much more powerful if they can see it for themselves.

You must have the right attitude and behave in a way they find attractive.

People want to date someone who has got their lives together, is independent, confident, and knows how to have fun.

Does that sound like you? If not, we have work to do.

Attitude is everything.

If one of your past failures was being overly jealous, show them you’ve found ways to deal with that.

I was a lousy communicator. I acknowledged that.

Every time I met my wife, I didn’t tell her I was now a good listener. I showed her through action. I listened without judgment and ensured I was genuinely curious about what she had to say.

She could see the change in real time, and this made her realize that I truly have become a better person.

9. Aim to be Their Friend

I know this is about slowly getting your ex back, but from little acorns, great oaks grow.

The way to get them back is to start by reminding them of the person you are. And the person you’ll be in the future.

You cannot present this to them as “be my partner or nothing.”

When they start texting and talking again, keep it casual and friendly. Ask her about their life — be a good listener if there are things that they want to share.

You want them to see you as a fully rounded person who can add positivity to their lives, not just potential partners.

Be their friend. This will build a good foundation for anything that does develop in the future.

My wife and I didn’t start dating again immediately. We met up now and then for a couple of months.

After that, I brought up the possibility of getting back together.

Because she could see the change and knew that things would be different, she wanted the same thing.

10. Discuss the Possibility of Getting Back Together

As I said above, you don’t have to discuss getting back together again the first time you hang out.

But know that they might already get an inkling of it when you first reach out.

If you focus on being friends first, they will wonder why you haven’t brought it up.

This will make them want you more.

When you feel like you’re ready, and you’re both already feeling relaxed, you could bring it up slowly.

Let them know what you’ve been thinking.

You’re not asking them to get back directly; you’re just letting them know where your mind has been lately, and you were interested to hear what they thought about it.

11. Forgive Them

Maybe you broke up because you had a massive disagreement about moving in together or your plans for the future.

This wasn’t the case with me, but I’ve had friends who broke up after a big argument.

Their resentment needed to be addressed before they could repair their relationship.

So if you want to get back together with them, you need to address the elephant in the room at some point or another.

It’s certainly easier said than done.

You might be able to talk more openly about it, how you felt, and what you were thinking.

Spending time away from each other might have made you more understanding and willing to forgive each other.

If you’re both able to clear the air over your past arguments, it could bode well for your (potential) relationship.

12. Take a Chance

Since you were together before, it could already indicate that it could happen again.

You won’t know until you take a chance and ask.

If you’ve prepared yourself enough and learned how to live your best life by yourself, you’ve got nothing to lose.

If they reject your offer to be together again, that doesn’t mean you still can’t be friends and friendly to each other.

While they may not be among the people in your close social circle, that doesn’t mean you can’t still treat them like the rest of your friends.

Alternatively, if they say yes to getting back together, that’s already a tremendous win for you.

Getting Back Together

One of the advantages of getting back together is that you both already know most of each other’s quirks and idiosyncrasies.

You know when they’re in a bad mood and what to say.

You both know which restaurants to eat at, which helps you avoid the stress of choosing where to eat, a rite of passage for any new relationship.

But getting back together again isn’t always about picking up where you left off.

If you’ve given yourself the chance to reinvent yourself, you’re returning to this almost as a new person.

And that means having almost to treat it like a new relationship too.

If you both worked hard at it, you might realize that breaking up was the best thing you could’ve done for your relationship.

I know that is what my wife and I think right now.

Can a relationship coach help you too?

If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.

I know this from personal experience…

A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.

If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.

In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.

I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.

Click here to get started.

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Written by Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 15 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Twitter.

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