12 ways to slowly win your ex back (complete guide)

We sometimes include products we think are useful for our readers. If you buy through links on this page, we may earn a small commission. Read our affiliate disclosure.


Sometimes, grand gestures of love aren’t as romantic as they are in the movies.

If you surprise your ex with expensive gifts just to ask if they want to get back together, it might overwhelm them.

It’s a big decision.

That’s why going slow might be a more effective approach.

Slowly winning your ex back isn’t just about them. It’s about you too.

It’s about first becoming mentally prepared for another relationship.

Working on improving yourself might actually draw them closer to you more than fancy dinners or lavish surprises.

So to help you, below are 12 ways about how to ease back into a relationship with your ex.

1. Ask Yourself if You Really Want Them Back

You might have just seen countless couples along your walk through the park. It might have subtly made you envious of what they have.

Then you remember you did have what they had, and now you’re just considering getting back together just to experience all the lovey-dovey moments that couples have.

This is an entirely different feeling than truly wanting to get back together with your ex.

If you want to get back together just to experience all the good things, you might already be heading towards disaster.

So take this time to ask yourself if you really want your ex back, or if it was just something you felt in the moment.

2. Hold Off on Texting Them for Now

Deciding to get back together with your ex may not be as simple as asking them out of nowhere. You need to be prepared for it.

That’s why a general rule of thumb is to limit contact with each other as much as possible.

If you’re friends on social media, you can mute their profile so that you don’t come across any of their posts while you’re scrolling.

Limiting your communication will really help give you a new perspective on the relationship.

Over time you might start thinking about the relationship more objectively, seeing if you’re really willing to put up with their faults, as well as recognizing your own.

3. Focus on Improving Yourself

Maybe before you weren’t as patient with them.

Or you were always jealous when they went out and met up with people you didn’t know.

Now that you have some alone time, you can do deep introspection and ask yourself why you felt that way.

Relationships can be tedious to manage.

Often, it gets complicated by unresolved issues from either one of you. If you need help processing your emotions and feelings, you can also reach out to your closest friends, your family, or even a professional.

Becoming a better version of yourself will both make you feel better as well as make you more attractive; it’s a win-win for you.

4. Immerse Yourself in Other Areas of Your Life

While you’re away from each other, you can focus your attention on other things.

Spending too much time thinking about your ex and the possibilities of getting back together all day long might not be the most productive use of your time.

Spend time with your family.

Go on a road trip with your friends.

Double down on your efforts at work.

It’s about making sure that all other areas of your life are secure before taking on another responsibility: being a good partner.

5. Do What You’ve Always Wanted to Do

While you’re still single, now is the time to explore. Join that pottery class you’ve always been considering.

Sign up for voice lessons because you’ve always wanted to sing. Write short stories, even if they’re terrible, because you’ve always dreamt of getting published.

When you do more things that you love, you start to realize that your relationship isn’t your entire world.

It also helps you become a happier person, potentially making you even more attractive to your ex.

6. Leverage Social Media

Social media can be a powerful platform for reconnecting with old friends or sharing your adventures with others.

If you really want to capture your ex’s attention, you can try posting about all the fun adventures you’ve had while you were both separated

Try to avoid sharing photos or quotes that show how sad or heartbroken you might have been.

If you share those and then ask for them back, it might come off as a little desperate, which tends to be a turnoff for most people.

If your ex notices how much fun you’re having without them, it might increase your chances of them contacting you first.

7. Don’t Talk Mean about Them

If they broke your heart, it’s easy to spread hate and negative things about them. But try to avoid this.

Be the better person.

You can share how you feel, but calling them out for being a terrible person might just ruin your chances of getting back together with them.

Think about what your ex might feel if they learned what you were saying about them behind their back. Would you want to be with someone that spreads rumors about you?

Probably not.

If they learn you’ve been only complimenting them behind their back, it might even flatter them.

They might just see how much you really cared about them.

8. Meet New People

When you ex sees that you’re out there socializing and meeting new people, it might just trigger their jealousy.

If you post about how much fun you were having with people your ex never met, it might make them so curious as to ask about it.

They may not ask about it directly, but the word might spread that they’re asking about you.

That’s how you know you’ve still got a chance.

9. Keep It Casual

You can take the initiative to reach out to them first. Ask them out for a simple lunch or a walk in the park just to catch up as two friends.

This is also your chance to gauge if they still have a soft spot for you.

Often, when exes meet up, it can get awkward.

There are long pauses and neither of you might know what to really talk about.

But if you meet up and see they still laugh at your jokes or complete your sentences, then it might mean the spark is still there.

10. Discuss the Possibility of Getting Back Together

You don’t have to bring up the topic of getting back together again on the first time you hang out.

But know that they might already get an inkling of it when you first reach out.

It could be better to get ahead of what they’re thinking and address the elephant in the room: why exactly you reached out to them.

When you feel like you’re ready, and you’re both already feeling relaxed, you could bring it up slowly.

Let them know what you’ve been thinking.

You’re not asking them to get back directly; you’re just letting them know where your mind has been lately and you were interested to hear what they thought about it.

11. Forgive Them

Maybe the reason why you broke up was that you had a huge disagreement about moving in together or your plans for the future.

If you want to get back together with them, it’s important to leave the past behind and move on from these.

It’s certainly easier said than done.

What you might be able to do is to talk more openly about it, how you felt, and what you were thinking.

Having spent time away from each other might have made the both of you more understanding and willing to forgive each other.

If you’re both able to clear the air over your past arguments, it could bode well for your (potential) relationship.

12. Take a Chance

Since you were together before, it could already be an indication that it could happen again.

You won’t know until you take a chance and ask.

If you’ve prepared yourself enough and learned how to live your best life by yourself, you’ve really got nothing to lose.

If they reject your offer to be together again, that doesn’t mean you still can’t be friends and friendly to each other.

While they may not be among the people in your close social circle, that doesn’t mean you can’t still treat them like the rest of your friends.

Alternatively, if they do say yes to getting back together, then that’s already a tremendous win for you.

Getting Back Together

One of the advantages of getting back together is that you both already know most of each other’s quirks and idiosyncrasies.

You know when they’re in a bad mood and what to say. You both know which restaurants to eat at, which helps you avoid the stress of having to choose where to eat, a rite of passage for any new relationship.

But getting back together again isn’t always about picking up where you left off.

If you’ve given yourself the chance to reinvent yourself, then you’re going to be going back into this almost as a new person.

And that means having to almost treat it like a new relationship too.

If you both work hard at it, you might just realize that breaking up was the best thing you could’ve done for your relationship.

Can a relationship coach help you too?

If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.

I know this from personal experience…

A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.

If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.

In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.

I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.

Click here to get started.

Did you like my article? Like me on Facebook to see more articles like this in your feed.

Written by Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 15 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Twitter.

8 signs someone doesn’t want you to succeed (and 8 ways to respond)

How to comfort someone who got cheated on: 10 practical tips