“True love is not a hide and seek game: in true love, both lovers seek each other.”
― Michael Bassey Johnson
Some people think that only unattractive or insecure women get involved with married men.
There’s a perception that this type of involvement only happens to those who do not value social norms, but the truth is that it can happen to the best of us.
Even “respectable,” successful and attractive women who just want to live a good life and find love.
If you’ve been in a relationship with a married man and had your heart broken then you know how much it hurts.
You feel inadequate, crushed, and left behind. You feel like the love you deserve and want will forever be out of your reach.
If you want to know how to get over a married man then this article will give you valuable advice. It’s hard-won advice from my own experience of getting over a married man and informed by psychological research.
I am confident this guide will help you find the love you deserve and make it easier for you to get over a married man.
1) Be rational
If you have fallen in love with a married man and not acted on it yet then my advice is to stop before you do.
It can seem amazing at the time but it’s not worth it.
If you’re already involved, it is likely that you’re being dominated by emotion.
Being rational can be a big challenge.
But the first step in being able to be rational is to understand that even though he might also be in love with you, it doesn’t mean he will leave his wife.
Even if he does you’ll wonder if you’re going to be able to live with the consequences of that choice, especially if he has children.
Do you really want to wreck a home and be judged for that?
After all, the marriage already existed before you met him and there will always be the chance he could have patched things up if you hadn’t come into the picture.
Also, if he cheats on his wife to be with you it’s already a red flag.
Even if he splits up with her it doesn’t mean he will make a commitment to you.
Even if he does, would you trust a man who cheats?
Asking yourself these questions can be an important reality check.
Psychologist Marni Feuerman explains that when you’re going out with a married man you only see him at his best, often causing you to build up unrealistic fantasies about him.
“With a married man, you only see him at his best for short periods of time. You don’t spend enough time with him to get bored of him, and the relationship never really gets out of the ‘honeymoon’ phase. It’s a constant rush of endorphins and adrenaline — so hard to resist.”
2) Delete his number and block him
This is going to hurt, but you need to delete his number from your phone and block his number so he can’t call you.
If you’re trying to stop eating potato chips would you leave bags hidden all-around your home or apartment?
The same principle applies here.
You want to get over this guy, so don’t let the chance of a stray text or call get you off guard.
As for him coming to your door in person? You should honestly pretend you are not home.
If you want to get over him you need to be serious about it.
This won’t be easy, but it’s necessary. Just one text is all it takes to fall back down the rabbit hole into the affair.
3) Put the brakes on social media
Social networks are great for making friends and flirting, but they’re not good at all for getting over a married man.
If you want to know how to get over a married man then deleting your social media – at least for a month or two – is one of the most important pieces of advice you can receive.
Just the temptation to visit his profile or to respond if he leaves a comment on yours is too much.
Blocking him on social media isn’t usually enough either, since you will just find a way around the block or temporarily unblock for “just a second” to see him with his wife or check what he’s up to.
You’re better off just stopping social media altogether for some time. This is also a good idea since it will decrease your desire to vent and talk to friends overly about the situation, which can often make it worse.
If social media is part of your job or you want to keep using it for other things then delete him and set your privacy so he can’t find you.
As Ana Djurovic writes:
“If you constantly see his photos on social media, it might spark a glimmer of hope, or it will just make you sad. They say that if you don’t see the face of the man you want so much, you will forget him easily and replace him with a suitable man who will be only yours. If you repeatedly see photos of him and, even worse, of him with his wife, it will only make it more difficult to forget him.”
4) An empty mind is the devil’s workshop
Getting out of a relationship with someone you love is difficult, but you can use the time that would make you sad for things that will do you good.
Spend time on a new hobby or learn something new.
It could be learning a new language, playing the guitar, cooking, or even reading about topics of interest to you. Doing a new activity will “take up space in your mind.”
In addition, the results you get, such as starting to understand another language, eating a delicious meal prepared at home or knowing a little more about subjects you’re interested in, will make you feel better.
I’m not saying you won’t miss your married crush anymore.
But it will consume you just a little bit less each day.
And that’s at least something.
5) Make new friends and start dating
Affairs with married men usually end badly.
I know the feelings of sadness, frustration, and abandonment. They were the emotional backdrop to many a sleepless night.
But eventually, I picked myself up and made some new friends. I know it can be a little tougher during this time of social distancing, but even calling an old friend for a chat can be a start.
If you remain committed to this married man in your head and heart then you won’t get over him. It’s important to be open to new love and start dating. It can feel impossible at first, but with time things will start to get better.
For as long as you’re faithful to him, you won’t be able to get over him.
So, if you want to know how to get over a married man, then you need to be ready to open your heart to others. Don’t feel bad that you are being “unfaithful” to him; the bottom line here is that he isn’t committed to you in the first place.
I’m not saying that you should go out with all the guys you meet, or that you should get involved with the first person that looks interesting.
But at least start with a friend or two.
Find people who share your interests and at least be open to the idea of new love in your life.
6) Get some fresh air
When you’ve been in an emotionally and sexually intense relationship it can be difficult to forget the person you were with.
Being in the environment where you experienced that relationship can be heart-wrenching.
Sometimes even just walking by a restaurant where you and this guy used to eat can make you break down in tears.
It’s really awful.
If you want to know how to get over a married man I highly recommend getting some fresh air in new places.
Try going hiking, taking a kayak trip, going on a bike ride, or even just doing some gardening outdoors in places that don’t remind you of him.
The air we breathe has enormous power, so I also highly recommend rebooting your respiratory system. The cleansing effects and emotional clarity is incredible.
Our breath links our consciousness and unconscious and you can work through many traumatic blocks by working on your breathing.
7) Love yourself
If you are thinking about how to get over a married man, there is something you need to know that will really help you:
If you were his lover and he went home after sex or time together to sleep with his wife you were never his priority!
Like I mentioned at the beginning, even if he leaves his wife you’ve just taken a big gamble on a guy who cheats and it usually doesn’t end well.
There is nothing wrong with you for falling in love with a married man.
What’s wrong is pursuing those emotions and undervaluing yourself.
I know that I thought I’d never find the love I deserve, but I was wrong.
And you are too.
Look in the mirror and think about all the good qualities you possess.
Think about your talents and all the people who care about you: family, friends, and others.
You’re worth much more than being a married man’s distraction or sex toy. You deserve more.
Angelina Gupta puts it well:
“Many women get into relationships with married men thinking that it is what they deserve. They subconsciously think that they are not going to find someone else and try to adjust to the situation. Such women convince themselves that they are in love while they could just be in love with the idea of being in a relationship. Believe in yourself. Tell yourself that the best is yet to come and you do not need to compromise.”
8) Time is money, value yourself!
Think about what you get for dedicating your time to this married man:
Sex? Affection? Stimulating conversation?
Fair enough. And are you the kind of person who chases after those things like a desperate monkey?
You shouldn’t be. I know I once was.
But not anymore.
Dedicate yourself to work and develop yourself professionally.
Look for a course that can help you get a promotion or even a better job or just to improve your skills in various ways.
Plan for the future, focus on work, and develop yourself.
Focus on financial prosperity and securing your future. Work on things you can depend on instead of a guy you can’t depend on.
I also highly recommend the shaman Rudá Iandê’s free masterclass for finding true love and intimacy. It focuses on some key lessons that many of us forget in the daily grind: lessons that can help you rediscover who you really are and find the love you deserve.
9) Learn to read between the lines
If you want to know how to get over a married man you need to know how to read between the lines.
Take off the rose-colored glasses. These are the glasses that made everything with him look perfect – the glasses that made him look perfect.
He’s not, and you probably aren’t the first – or even the only – woman who he’s cheating with.
Some men send out sexts and flirt like they drink water – or beer.
Which is to say: a lot.
Listen to how he talks about his wife, too. If he bitches about her all the time keep in mind that you’re only hearing one side of the story.
As author Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen writes:
“Remember that married men who cheat are liars. You see the good part of this married man, but he would cheat on you, too. Married men don’t truly respect or love the women they’re cheating with (their affair partners). No matter what they say, married men don’t respect women who let themselves be used.”
If he has children, know that even if he stays with you, you will probably face more difficulties than you expect.
Children do not know how to deal with the separation of parents and even women who get involved with divorced and even widowed men often suffer from children’s behavior and trauma.
10) Hire a professional
Love is a powerful thing, and if you’re in love with a married man it isn’t always easy to get over him.
You may find it too hard to do alone even if you’re a strong, secure, and independent person.
And that’s OK.
If it’s all become too much for you then I suggest seeking out professional help from a counselor or psychologist.
As author Steven Finkelstein advises:
“It’s going to be hard for you, especially if you feel so strongly that this is the right person for you. You might curse the cruel fate that put this man in front of you who seems like your ideal mate, but you cannot have them. In all likelihood, some therapy will be needed so you can get over your feelings of anxiety about the situation. It’s helpful to talk to someone impartial who has nothing to do with the situation, and a mental health professional should be able to give you some good advice.”
Know that there are many good professionals who can help you understand the reasons why you have put yourself in this situation.
A therapist can help you to get out of this situation faster and have you feeling better and back to your old self, as long as you really have the desire – or at least intention – to get over the married man.
Recommended reading: How to stop dating a married man: 15 crucial tips
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