Love: it’s that magical experience that can turn even the dreariest life into a blooming wonderland.
But when love is fading away it can feel like you’re wilting with the withered autumn leaves. If you’re in a relationship that’s going sour you may be stuck with all sorts of anxieties and sad emotions brewing inside of you.
What did I do to make her behave this way?
Why is this relationship such a drag these days?
Is this current rough spot in my head or is it real?
Am I trying too hard and actually making her pull away even more?
And, most of all: has she fallen out of love with me or is there still a chance to patch things up?
1) She’d rather spend time with her “girls” than with you
She brushes you off at every opportunity to hang out with the “girls.”
OK, great. Of course, you are glad she has her own life and female friends to hang out with and enjoy time together. Nothing wrong with that.
The problem happens a woman’s ‘friends circle’ isn’t always super positive and they aren’t necessarily going to influence her in a good direction, especially if alcohol and long rants about what dicks they’re stuck with end up becoming the topic of conversation (and does it ever not?)
Especially if your girl has close “girls” who are more on the negative and kick-ass-and-take-names side, there’s a good chance your dirty laundry will be getting aired and she’ll start to treat time with her girls as a fantasy power projection of leaving you behind (until she does just that for real).
So, what are you going to do, forbid her to have her own social life? Of course not.
Just be aware that if she’s spending every second of the day with a crowd of her girls and sulking at you when she’s around, it’s not a good sign. You have become the house-bound ogre who holds her down while time with her ladies is glamorous and free.
What exactly does she want “freedom” from? Are you that bad? It’s a rhetorical question.
But you’re probably not a man she’s in love with anymore if she’s acting this way and romantically dodging you like a professional jiu-jitsu champion.
2) Her new guy friends start popping up all over
Assuming you’re not a jealous guy, then your girlfriend or wife having male friends is no big deal at all. In fact, you’re glad for her and you might feel like it eases off the pressure on you to be Mr. Chatty at times.
Still, the underlying fact about this is that if a woman is getting closer and closer to guy friends and attracting them like flies, there’s a reason for that. And it’s not her being so in love with you that she just wants to dish to her new beard buddies.
Women lap up male attention – platonic or otherwise – because it feeds a positive image they have of themselves and boosts their self-esteem and confidence.
Obviously, men and women can be great friends without it having to be some fake-ass ego-stroking club. The point is: if your girl is wandering off and popping up with all sorts of new and old rediscovered guy friends, you might want to see that as a bit of a red flag.
Is every one of those guys gay? Do you want to put money on it that at least one of them wouldn’t mind some time kissing your girlfriend after a nice walk on the beach and enjoying some sweet loving afterward?
Even if she never gets close to cheating with her male friends, she’s clearly seeking out some emotional validation and connection that she isn’t feeling with you.
As a guy, how many of your female friends would you have turned down dating? Especially during a vulnerable or confusing time? Maybe you weren’t into some of them romantically, sure, but at least a few I am guessing you would have jumped at the chance for romance.
Similarly, with your other half, she likely doesn’t see all her guy friends as “like brothers” (although she may see you that way now if she’s acting this way).
There’s always the guy you never thought in a million years she’d be into until you glance over and see her sexting him and then find them in bed together the next week.
I’m not saying that you be a jealous control freak or interrogate your partner.
Just be aware that the new cast of the Bachelorette might be there as a replacement for you, not just for shits and giggles.
3) She doesn’t want to touch you or you to touch her
Let’s be clear, your gal or the girl you’re into obviously has no “obligation” to be physically intimate with you or touch you or massage you or drape herself all over you in sensuous bliss as a cool night breeze comes through the window highlighting her enticing raven-black hair …
OK, where was I …
If your woman is always avoiding your touch, it’s a good sign she’s just not feeling it anymore. Sure, it may be temporary or her own unrelated issue, but in most cases … it’s you.
She isn’t into you and doesn’t want a relationship with you anymore – and for whatever reason – even though she will very likely say it’s not you and she’s just feeling uncomfortable or bad about other things – it’s game over for you.
If you do kiss her, caress her, or have sex, does she make it seem like an awful chore? This is right in the absolute Kenny Loggins danger zone (RIP Kenny).
When you’re too available and desiring her affection and she’s not feeling it, it can create a vicious cycle of chasing and withdrawal where you become progressively less attractive to her until – eventually – her number one mission is just to get away from you and figure out a way to make you stop wanting to be with her.
Something has made you become too familiar, too easy, too needy and she may still talk to you or laugh at your jokes but when it’s time for the tender embrace of the night, she is nowhere to be found.
If she’s treating you like just another pal and dishing her attention and affection on other guys, you are now on the losing side of the love equation.
4) You’re constantly unsure of where you stand in the relationship
Have you ever asked yourself why love is so hard? Or why you constantly have to doubt her feelings for you or which way the relationship is going?
When you’re dealing with a girl falling out of love with you, it’s easy to become frustrated and even feel helpless. You may even be tempted to throw in the towel and give up on love.
I want to suggest doing something different.
It’s something I learned from the world-renowned shaman Rudá Iandê. He taught me that most of us aren’t chasing a realistic expectation of love and instead run after the idea set by unrealistic fairytales.
In fact, many of us self-sabotage and trick ourselves for years, getting in the way of meeting a partner who can truly fulfill us.
I was in the same cycle of chasing the wrong people and being constantly unsure of what I even wanted.
Rudá has however been critical to helping me delve further into myself, to better understand who I am and what I need to feel content in a partnership.
His free Love and Intimacy Masterclass is a fantastic resource for really helping you to probe your mind and get to the bottom of these feelings of uncertainty.
He uses practical exercises to prompt you to really think about aspects that might currently be getting in the way of your ability to find love, versus many other coaches and gurus who just talk at you.
If, like me, you need a little helping hand in uncluttering your mind when it comes to what love is and what you expect of a partner, I highly suggest giving the class a go.
5) She’s bored
Women getting bored in a relationship is much more common than you probably think.
Would she rather sit on the sofa and re-watch Shawshank Redemption than go somewhere with you?
Having completely silent dinners?
Stopped talking about your days?
These are all signs she’s getting bored with your relationship and has probably fallen out of love with you.
The truth is, love is psychological. And if you want her to love you completely, then you need to play the game a little.
Something a little sneaky, but extremely effective, is to add a bit of ambiguity to your relationship.
Girls love drama, so sometimes act (a little) cold or distant and message her (a little) less than you usually do.
It’s a psychological fact that when we fear we’re going to lose something, we want it 10x more.
Humans hate losing shit. And when it comes to love, women are absolutely no exception.
6) She just doesn’t give a rip
If you’ve had bad breakups and rough relationships before, then you know the feeling of a toxic connection.
Constant fights and brutal insults followed by passionate makeup sex. Building someone up just to break them down. Using vulnerabilities to attack your partner. Feelings of betrayal, inadequacy, and deep disappointment.
Sadly, people in love do this all the time when they haven’t yet healed the wounds within themselves.
People who aren’t in love don’t usually do this. They generally just … don’t care.
If she’s fallen out of love with you, chances are she’s checked out emotionally and in most other ways.
One-word answers, quick pecks on the cheek, avoided eye contact, and generally, uninterested behavior should tell you all you need to know. These are all classic signs of avoidance and someone who is no longer in love.
The harsh truth is that a woman can feel a lot of resentment toward you but still love you, but when she loses respect for you, love goes along with it.
The thing is, relationships can be confusing and overwhelming. Sometimes you’ve hit a wall and you really don’t know what to do next.
7) She trash-talks you to friends
Nobody’s perfect. Now and then, she’s going to have some negative words to say about you to her friends. But when she makes it into a habit, it’s no mistake.
How much does it suck to know the girl you love is out there dragging your name through the mud and making you out to be a pathetic sack of sh*t?
Well, it’s not great. This is a subset of her always hanging out with the girls, although she’s going to be more than willing to unload on what a jerk you are to her guy and gal friends alike – especially after a few drinks.
Have her friends started giving you a weird amount of side-eye and you can’t go out in public without an industrial-sized pile of shade being thrown at you? Some trash-talking may have taken place.
She could still be in love with you and venting, but chances are, she secretly hoped you’d find out because she’s using indirect communication to send you a simple telegram from behind enemy lines:
So, does she love me? “I don’t love you anymore.”
8) She acts seductively around other men
If she’s Ms. Cold Ice around you but flirting with other guys, then you have something to worry about.
Sure, it could just be a game she’s playing to get your attention or jealousy, but if so a) why are you dating her? and b) where’s the limit?
Unless you get turned on by watching your girl fall all over another guy and seduce him (and I have a friend who does), then you’re going to feel exactly what most guys would feel when she’s texting, calling, and talking to all sorts of men in seductive ways: angry, disgusted and uncomfortable.
These are perfectly normal reactions. The problem is, if you get all worked up, she will use it as more evidence that you’re no good for her, so it’s a lose-lose game.
When a man flirts, it usually doesn’t mean much. Men are hardwired to chase new partners and sex (which doesn’t make cheating OK) but when a woman strays afield it is often for far deeper reasons.
She isn’t feeling satisfied in the relationship …
She’s angry with you …
Or, simply put: she’s no longer in love with you.
Even if she’s not cheating, that low-cleavage top she wore and the special look she just gave the bank teller isn’t for nothing. It’s a telepathic signal that says my guy isn’t doing it for me anymore.
She’s on a path of hypergamy to trade up to the next best guy and you’re about to be left behind.
You’re not going to talk her out of this or get mad and make her “see reason.”
The only step to take is to start mourning the relationship now. If she’s gotten to this stage – and unless she turns back fully and comes back to you – your time together is already over.
Be cautious of her being “fake sorry” as a way to test how compliant and easy you are to push over. How would she react if you were falling all over other girls? Think of it that way and proceed accordingly.
You should move on as soon as possible because she doesn’t love you anymore and if she does, she needs to learn a much better way to show it.
9) She suddenly turns into Ms. Independence
This is where I should insert a bunch of politically correct stuff about equality, independence, and rights, and stuff, yes?
Well, you’re going to be disappointed.
If your girl has suddenly become Ms. Strong and Powerful Independence, it’s likely not because she just clicked the Feminist Channel on TV or read How to be a Baws by Lily Singh.
In fact, it’s much more likely that … you guessed it … she doesn’t love you anymore.
She’s taking every chance possible to tell you that she doesn’t need you and wants her own life and space fully to herself. When she loves you, she will want to let you help her – even when she doesn’t really need it.
When she’s not in love she’ll cast you adrift like an afterthought. She hates it when you give her any advice. She starts interpreting every comment you make negatively. She wants to make it clear you’re no longer part of her life plans.
You’ll notice it in all her behavior and it will hurt pretty badly, believe me.
Is she just getting her life together and embracing her inner strength or is she ditching you? Evidence points very strongly to the latter. Sorry, buddy.
10) She avoids discussions of your future together
If she used to brighten up like the sun on a cloudy day when you talked about future plans, now she turns away indifferently.
She looks annoyed, disinterested, and fully unengaged.
All the things which used to make her laugh, excited, and interested now seem like pale echoes of their former selves. This girl isn’t feeling it and it should be obvious to you by now.
When she’s into you, then talking about the future – even in a humorous way – will prompt her to become interested, attentive, and contribute.
When she’s not into you, then talking about the future will just cause her stomach to clench and make her want to put distance between herself and you.
Even a casual comment on your plans for an upcoming holiday can cause her to nod sarcastically and ask where you left the keys.
This relationship is headed into a very dark dungeon and not in a kinky way. And this is one sign that she doesn’t care about your feelings anymore.
11) It’s all her, all the time
Egotism is the cause of a lot of suffering, and in a relationship, it can sink even the most committed partners.
If you are with a girl who is naturally a bit “me first,” you may not notice this shift at first or may chalk it up to her having a bad week. But if it’s all her, all the time, it can be a lot more than just a one-off.
She’s putting her foot down and making it clear that you’re no longer in the equation. She no longer cares who’s right or wrong – or how you feel or what you think, for that matter.
She cares about herself and she will make that abundantly clear, using you as an emotional punching bag and as the recipient of ill-placed blame and toxic emotions.
That’s not love and it’s probably time for you to think about getting out before you start thinking it is love.
12) She cheats on you
If she’s been unfaithful, then there’s a very good possibility she doesn’t love you anymore.
When men cheat, it can often be for sex or out of a lack of self-control and being basically an unethical person.
When women cheat, it tends to be in search of something deeper than just physical.
Women tend to cheat when they’re not in love anymore.
Not to mention the damage it will do to your relationship and your ability to respect and trust her in the future.
The circumstance of her cheating on you can be seen as an opportunity to call it quits and maintain your self-respect.
She’s sent her message loud and clear: she doesn’t love you anymore.
Turning Things Around
If there’s still a chance to turn things around – and it’s congruent with healthy self-love – then there is a need to embrace a new and stronger mindset.
Sometimes her love level is down to zero and it’s time to move on, other times there can still be a way to change things for the better – if not this time then at least for the next time you get the opportunity to build a relationship.
Whether she loves you or not, the warning signs that she might have thrown you overboard show that it’s time for you to become closer to your full potential – to become the kind of person who’s not dependent on her validation or love in the first place.
The first key is understanding that with the correct mindset and action, you can do far more than get caught up in endless stewing, self-blame, depression, or misery. It won’t do any good. Positive framing and action will do good. Promise.
If you feel like you’re twisting and turning in the fate of whether she loves you or not, it’s time to take the chance to seize back control.
You can’t put your happiness aside any longer. Just as our relationship to money and our personal success often mirror our own relationship with ourselves, our approach to relationships, love, and intimacy is a deep indicator of how we are relating to and loving ourselves.
You now have to start by working on what’s in your control. You have to:
Be the best version of yourself
The truth is, there’s always room for improvement. Sure, you may be a “nice guy,” but are you really living to your full potential?
If you want to save your relationship, or even increase your chances of finding new love in the future, you need to first start looking at yourself and your lifestyle. Think about the relationship you have with yourself more than the one you have with others.
This is something I learned from the world-renowned shaman Rudá Iandê. I mentioned him earlier – he taught me that the way to find love and intimacy is not what we have been culturally conditioned to believe.
As Rudá explains in this mind-blowing free video, many of us fail in relationships because we don’t know how to love ourselves first.
So, if you want to get over the heartbreak and find real love, I’d recommend starting with yourself first and taking Rudá’s incredible advice.
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