Love: it’s that magical experience that can turn even the dreariest life into a blooming wonderland.
But when love is fading away it can feel like you’re wilting with the withered autumn leaves. If you’re in a relationship that’s going sour you may be stuck with all sorts of anxieties and sad emotions brewing inside of you.
What did I do to make her behave this way?
Why is this relationship such a drag these days?
Is this current rough spot in my head or is it real?
Am I trying too hard and actually making her pull away even more?
And, most of all: has she fallen out of love with me or is there still a chance to patch things up?
1) She just doesn’t give a rip
If you’ve had bad breakups and rough relationships before then you know the feeling of a toxic connection.
Constant fights, brutal insults followed by passionate makeup sex. Building someone up just to break them down. Using vulnerabilities to attack your partner. Feelings of betrayal, inadequacy, deep disappointment.
Sadly, people in love do this all the time when they haven’t yet healed the wounds within themselves.
People who aren’t in love don’t usually do this. They generally just … don’t care.
If she’s fallen out of love with you chances are she’s checked out emotionally and in most other ways.
Does she ignore most of what you say, smile wanly in a fake way constantly? Make excuses that she has to go every time you’re about to spend time together? These are all classic signs of avoidance and someone who is no longer in love.
The harsh truth is that a woman can feel a lot of resentment toward you but still love you, but when she loses respect for you love goes right along with it. You can be the nicest guy in the world, but if you’re wishy-washy and never stand up for yourself (or anything else) you won’t even appear on her romance radar.
One word answers, quick pecks on the cheek, avoided eye contact, and generally, uninterested behavior should tell you all you need to know. If your partner still loved you then you have to explain why she is treating you like a stain on the carpet.
Maybe it’s for something completely unrelated and to do with her own life. But chances are it’s more related to her losing respect and attraction for you.
It might not even be your fault, but denying it won’t change it. It has happened to me when a girl I was dating started showing less and less interest after seeing me have an anxiety attack and me becoming clingy and dependent on her validation as a result.
There are many reasons it can happen and it’s not pretty. It can be a big hit to your self-esteem and self-image. But would you rather a woman fake it or would you rather rip the bandaid off?
And if life circumstances or any other reasons have caused her to stop seeing you as “her guy” (including meeting another guy who she is more attracted to) then you’re going to feel that icy cold wind of indifference blowing in from the north.
2) Her new guy friends start popping up all over
Assuming you’re not a jealous guy, then your girlfriend or wife having male friends is no big deal at all. In fact, you’re glad for her and you might feel like it eases off the pressure on you to be Mr. Chatty at times.
Still, the underlying fact about this is that if a woman is getting closer and closer to guy friends and attracting them like flies there’s a reason for that. And it’s not her being so in love with you that she just wants to dish to her new beard buddies.
Women lap up male attention – platonic or otherwise – because it feeds a positive image they have of themselves and boosts their self-esteem and confidence. Obviously men and women can be great friends without it having to be some fake-ass ego-stroking club, but the point is that if your girl is wandering off and popping up with all sorts of new and old rediscovered guy friends you might want to see that as a bit of a red flag.
Is every one of those guys gay? Do you want to put money on it that at least one of them wouldn’t mind some time kissing your girlfriend after a nice walk on the beach and enjoying some sweet loving afterward?
Even if she never gets close to cheating with her male friends, she’s clearly seeking out some emotional validation and connection that she isn’t feeling with you.
As a guy how many of your female friends would you have turned down dating? Especially during a vulnerable or confusing time? Maybe some you weren’t into romantically, sure, but at least a few I am guessing you would have jumped at the chance for romance.
Similarly, with your other half, she likely doesn’t see all her guy friends as “like brothers” (although she may see you that way now if she’s acting this way).
There’s always the guy you never thought in a million years she’d be into until you glance over and see her sexting him and then find them in bed together the next week.
I’m not advocating to be a jealous control freak or interrogate your partner. Just be aware that the new cast of the Bachelorette might be there as a replacement for you, not just for shits and giggles.
As David Deidea writes in the Way of the Superior Man: a Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire, it is up to the man to lead in a relationship, not the woman.
If she’s lost respect (and attraction) for you and is now spending a lot more time leaning over the desk of her hunky workmate Chad or lounging on the couch suspiciously close to her “just friend” Mike then maybe something has gone wrong.
One of the most common things is that you have stopped relating to her in a romantic way and she has stopped triggering and responding to your hero instinct.
3) She’d rather spend time with her “girls” than you
The flip side of your partner spending lots of time with gaggles of new guy friends is when she brushes you off at every opportunity to hang out with the “girls.”
OK, great. Of course, you are glad she has her own life and female friends to hang out with and enjoy time together. Nothing wrong with that.
The problem comes about in that a woman’s friend circle isn’t always super positive and they aren’t necessarily going to influence her in a good direction, especially if alcohol and long rants about what dicks they’re stuck with ends up becoming the topic of conversation (and does it ever not?)
Especially if your girl has close “girls” who are more on the negative and kick-ass-and-take-names side, there’s a good chance your dirty laundry will be getting aired and she’ll start to treat time with her girls as a fantasy power projection of leaving you behind (until she does just that for real).
So, what are you going to do, forbid her to have her own social life? Of course not.
Just be aware that if she’s spending every second day with a crowd of her girls and sulking at you when she’s around it is not a good sign. You have become the house-bound ogre who holds her down while time with her ladies is glamorous and free.
What exactly does she want “freedom” from? Are you that bad? It’s a rhetorical question.
But you’re probably not a man she’s in love with anymore if she’s acting this way and romantically dodging you like a professional jiu-jitsu champion: that’s for sure.
4) She doesn’t want to touch you or you to touch her
Let’s be clear, your gal or the girl you’re into obviously has no “obligation” to be physically intimate with you or touch you or massage you or drape herself all over you in sensuous bliss as a cool night breeze comes through the window highlighting her enticing raven-black hair …
OK, where was I …
If your woman is always avoiding your touch or touching you it’s a good sign she’s just not feeling it anymore. Sure, it may be temporary or her own unrelated issue, but in most cases … it’s you.
She isn’t into you anymore and for whatever reason – even though she will very likely say it’s not you and she’s just feeling uncomfortable or bad about other things – it’s game over for you.
If you do kiss her, caress her or have sex does she make it seem like an awful chore? This is right in the absolute Kenny Loggins danger zone (RIP Kenny).
When you’re too available and desiring her affection and she’s not feeling it that can create a vicious cycle of chasing and withdrawal where you become progressively less attractive to her until – eventually – her number one mission is just to get away from you and figure out a way to make you stop wanting to be with her.
Something has made you become too familiar, too easy, too needy and she may still talk to you or laugh at your jokes but when it comes time for the tender embrace of the night she is nowhere to be found and you’re there firing up the computer to indulge your porn addiction or wondering why your life is a constant series of disappointments (or both).
If she’s treating you like just another pal and dishing her attention and affection on other guys you are now on the losing side of the love equation.
5) She trash talks you to friends
Nobody’s perfect and now and then she’s going to have some negative words to say about you to her friends. But when she makes it into a habit it’s no mistake.
She’s trying to take the Love Bridge you two built together and blow it into smithereens like a World War Two commando squad.
Mission Accomplished. There’s something so sexy about a girl in uniform …
Still, how much does it suck to know the girl you love is out there dragging your name through the mad and making you out to be a pathetic sack of sh*t?
Well, it’s not great. This is a subset of her always hanging out with the girls, although she’s going to be more than willing to unload on what a jerk you are to her guy and gal friends alike – especially after a few drinks.
Have her friends started giving you a weird amount of side-eye and you can’t go out in public without an industrial-sized pile of shade being thrown at you? Some trash-talking may have taken place.
She could still be in love with you and venting, but chances are more like she secretly hoped you’d find out because she’s using indirect communication to send you a simple telegram from behind enemy lines:
I don’t love you anymore.
6) She acts seductive around other men
If she’s Ms. Cold Ice around you but flirting with other guys then you have something to worry about.
Sure, it could just be a game she’s playing to get your attention or jealousy, but if so a) why are you dating or interested in her and b) where’s the limit?
Unless you get turned on by watching your girl fall all over another guy and seduce him (and I have a friend who does) then you’re going to feel exactly what most guys would feel when she’s texting, calling, and talking to all sorts of men in seductive ways: angry, disgusted and uncomfortable.
These are perfectly normal reactions. The problem is if you get all worked up she will use it as more evidence that you’re no good for her, so it’s a lose-lose game.
When a man flirts it usually doesn’t mean much. Men are hardwired to chase new partners and sex (which doesn’t make cheating OK) but when a woman strays afield it is often for far deeper reasons.
She isn’t feeling satisfied in the relationship …
She’s angry with you …
Or, on a simply more basic level: she’s no longer in love with you.
Even if she’s not cheating, that low-cleavage top she wore and the special look she just gave the bank teller isn’t for nothing. It’s a telepathic signal that says my guy isn’t doing it for me anymore.
She’s on a path of hypergamy to trade up to the next best guy and you’re about to be left behind.
You’re not going to talk her out of this or get mad and make her “see reason.” The only step to take is to start mourning the relationship now. If she’s gotten to this stage – and unless she turns back fully and comes back to you – your time together is already over.
Be cautious of her being “fake sorry” as a way to test how compliant and easy you are to push over. How would she react if you were falling all over other girls? Think of it that way and proceed accordingly.
You should move on as soon as possible because she doesn’t love you anymore and if she does, she needs to learn a much better way to show it.
7) Ms. Independence
This is where I should insert a bunch of politically correct stuff about equality, independence and rights, and stuff, yes?
Well, you’re going to be disappointed.
If your girl has suddenly become Ms. Strong and Powerful Independence it’s likely not because she just clicked the Feminist Channel on TV or read How to be a Baws by Lily Singh.
In fact, it’s much more likely that … you guessed it … she doesn’t love you anymore.
She’s taking every chance possible to send you a message that she doesn’t need you and wants her own life and space fully to herself. When she loves you she will want to let you help her – even when she doesn’t really need it.
When she’s not in love she’ll cast you adrift like an afterthought. She hates it when you give her any advice. She starts interpreting every comment you make negatively. She wants to make it clear you’re no longer part of her life plans.
You’ll notice it in all her behavior and it will hurt pretty badly, believe me.
Is she just getting her life together and embracing her inner strength or is she ditching you? Evidence points very strongly to the latter. Sorry, buddy.
8) She avoids discussions of your future together
If she used to brighten up like the sun on a cloudy day when you talked about future plans, now she turns away indifferently.
She looks annoyed, disinterested, fully unengaged.
All the things which used to make her laugh, excited and interested now seem like pale echoes of their former selves. This girl isn’t feeling it and it should be obvious to you by now.
When she’s into you then talking about the future – even in a humorous way – will prompt her to become interested, attentive, and contribute.
When she’s not into you then talking about the future will just cause her stomach to clench and make her want to put distance between herself and you.
Even a casual comment on your plans for an upcoming holiday can cause her to nod sarcastically and ask where you left the keys.
This relationship is headed into a very dark dungeon and not in a kinky way.
9) It’s all her, all the time
Egotism is the cause of a lot of suffering, and in a relationship, it can sink even the most committed partners.
If you are with a girl who is naturally a bit “me first” you may not notice this shift at first or may chalk it up to her having a bad week. But if it’s all her, all the time, it can be a lot more than just a one-off.
She’s putting her foot down and making it clear that you’re no longer in the equation. She no longer cares who’s right or wrong – or how you feel or what you think, for that matter.
She cares about herself and she will make that abundantly clear, using you as an emotional punching bag and as the recipient of ill-placed blame and toxic emotions.
That’s not love and it’s probably time for you to think about getting out before you start thinking it is love.
10) She cheats on you
If she’s been unfaithful then there’s a very good possibility she doesn’t love you anymore.
When men cheat it can often be for sex or out of a lack of self-control and being a basically unethical person; when women cheat it tends to be in the search for something deeper than just physical.
Women tend to cheat when they’re not in love anymore.
Not to mention the damage it will do to your relationship and your ability to respect and trust her in the future.
The circumstance of her cheating on you can be seen as an opportunity to call it quits and maintain your self-respect.
She’s sent her message loud and clear: she doesn’t love you anymore.
Turning Things Around
If there’s still a chance to turn things around and it’s congruent with healthy self-love then there is a need to embrace a new and stronger mindset.
Sometimes her love level is down to zero and it’s fully time to move on, other times there can still be a way to change things for the better – if not this time then at least for the next time you get the opportunity to build a relationship.
Whether she loves you or not, the warning signs that she might have thrown you overboard are a flashing sign that it’s time for you to become closer to your full potential – to become the kind of person who’s not dependent on her validation or love in the first place.
The first key is understanding that with the correct mindset and action you can do far more than with endless stewing, self-blame, depression, or misery. It won’t do any good. Positive framing and action will do good. Promise.
If you feel like you’re twisting and turning in the fate of whether she loves you or not it is the chance to seize back control. You can’t put your happiness outside yourself any longer. Just as our relationship to money and our personal success often mirror our own relationship to ourselves, our approach to relationships, love, and intimacy is a deep indicator of how we are relating to and loving ourselves that shows whether we are moving into embracing our power or running from it.
You now have to start by working on what’s in your control. You have to:
Become More Attractive
Hey, you wouldn’t be reading this article if you didn’t want the truth, right? So there it is. I don’t mean something shallow like buying new hair gel or a wicked shirt, either, although the physical style and grooming are important for attraction.
I also mean on the deeper level, in how you carry yourself, how you see the world, how you respond to rejection (and to getting what you want).
Women don’t want an excited little boy who chases love like a jar of cookies and cries like a toddler when he doesn’t get what he wants: they want a man.
Work on your fitness, your personal style, and your looks, certainly. Go to the gym and push your personal best. Start jogging, learn new skills, take up new hobbies. Not in order to “get girls” or “make her fall back in love” either. Do it for you. Love yourself and respect yourself.
Let’s face it: Being good looking and in shape can be helpful when it comes to women.
However, much more important is the signals you convey to them. Because it doesn’t matter what you look like or how wealthy you are…
…if you’re short, fat, bald, or stupid.
Any man can learn some simple body language techniques that tap into the primal desires of their ideal girl.
Every day, more studies are coming out proving that women are attracted to the nonverbal communicators men give off… rather than the way they look. In other words, it’s the body language of the guy that makes all the difference.
That’s why you need to understand what you’re telling women with your body language and what they’re ‘saying’ back to you.
Kate Spring is widely considered to be one of the best dating coaches in the world. Her specialty is helping men understand female psychology. And her advice revolves around the (seemingly) small signals any man can give to attract any kind of woman.
Work on your money and career. Get your job working right and your bank account on the plus side. Work out where you’re going in a practical sense. Imagine you’ll be single forever: what would you do anyway just because you want to become the best version possible of yourself?
Interestingly, you’ll notice that as you stop seeking out approval and interest from women or the one you’re with, that interest and attention will steadily start returning. It’s not about playing hard to get or any childish concept: it’s about respecting and loving yourself first and developing a resilient, non-needy approach to life.
Work on developing new friendships and deepening the ones you already have. Form work partnerships and launch new ideas. Help others and volunteer. Get out there and do what you can to live your life, not for recognition or attention but because you can and because it will make you become the man you can be.
Avoid friends who echo negativity and feedback feelings of negativity. You don’t need more voices telling you why you can’t do it. Support friends in hard times, but don’t bask in the problems. Seek out friendships with winners, and help people become winners.
Work on your skills with women, even if your current relationship is definitely game over, it doesn’t mean you will never find love. Become comfortable chatting to and relating to everyone around you, especially with building up a romantic connection with a woman. Get rid of the mentality of “getting” a girl or being validated. You talk to and interact with women because you enjoy their company and are open to the possibility of developing a romantic connection.
If you’re in a miserable situation and wondering whether she still loves you then it can be important to be brutally honest: if a lot of the above signs are true then she very well might not love you anymore.
And that’s rough. And hard. Anyone would be down.
The key is to never let the outward disappointment of life shake your deep inner sense of worth and purpose. Begin to consider living your life “out of the box” and working toward a future where – whether she loves you or not – you are confident in who you are and about the love you have to give.