10 “polite” things people say that are secretly rude

Navigating the world of social interaction can be a minefield, especially when it comes to deciphering what people really mean.

You see, not all “polite” phrases are as gracious as they seem. Sometimes, they’re veiled barbs designed to cut you down to size while maintaining a veneer of respectability.

The trick is to recognize these secretly rude statements and respond in a way that maintains your dignity without stooping to their level.

In this article, I’m going to unveil 10 ‘polite’ things people say that are, in reality, just plain rude. 

Let’s get started. 

1) “You look tired”

On the surface, this phrase may seem like a harmless observation or an expression of concern. But let’s face it, it’s not exactly what you want to hear.

When someone says, “You look tired,” it can often feel like a veiled critique of your appearance. After all, nobody wants to look tired, right?

Even if it’s said with the best intentions, this phrase can easily come across as rude or insensitive. It implies that you’re not at your best, and let’s be honest, who needs that kind of negativity?

When you think about telling someone they look tired, pause for a moment. It might be better to ask if they’re okay or simply offer a word of encouragement instead.

It’s not just about what we say, but how we say it that matters most.

2) “No offense, but…”

Ah, the infamous “no offense, but…” phrase. It’s a classic example of a seemingly polite phrase that is, in reality, a precursor to something potentially offensive.

I remember when a friend of mine once said to me, “No offense, but I think your new haircut doesn’t suit you.” Now, despite the “no offense” disclaimer, I couldn’t help but feel a little insulted. It felt as if the polite preface was just an excuse to say something rude without facing the consequences.

What’s more, this phrase puts the listener on the defensive even before you’ve said what you want to say. It’s as if you’re indirectly saying they should brace themselves for an unpleasant comment.

3) “Bless your heart”

“Bless your heart” is a phrase that’s widely used in the southern United States, often delivered with a sweet smile and a gentle tone. However, despite its angelic facade, it’s not always as kind as it sounds.

In reality, this phrase can be a subtle form of condescension. It’s often used to patronize or express pity toward someone, without openly criticizing or belittling them.

Imagine you’ve just shared a story about a mistake you’ve made and someone responds with, “Bless your heart.” It’s as if they’re saying, “Oh, you poor, naive thing.”

While it’s not universally rude, context and tone play a big role in how this phrase is perceived. So the next time you’re about to bless someone’s heart, think twice about what you’re really trying to convey.

4) “I don’t mean to interrupt, but…”

This phrase is commonly used as a polite way to interject in a conversation. Yet, ironically, it’s an interruption in itself.

When someone says, “I don’t mean to interrupt, but…”, they are, in fact, acknowledging that they are interrupting you. It subtly implies that whatever they have to say is more important than what you’re currently saying.

Even though the phrase might be intended to soften the blow of the interruption, it can still be seen as dismissive of the other person’s thoughts or feelings.

Instead of using this phrase, waiting for a natural pause in the conversation before speaking up can be a much more respectful approach. It shows that you value and respect what the other person has to say.

5) “I’m just saying”

“I’m just saying” is another phrase that might seem innocent enough at first glance. However, it often follows a statement that is critical or negative.

It’s as if the speaker is trying to distance themselves from the potential fallout of their comment. By adding “I’m just saying”, they’re implying that they’re merely stating a fact or opinion, and it’s not meant to be hurtful or offensive.

But let’s be real, this phrase often comes across as passive-aggressive. It feels like a loophole to say something potentially hurtful without taking responsibility for its impact.

Before using this phrase, consider whether your comment is constructive and necessary. If not, it may be best left unsaid.

6) “With all due respect”

This phrase can be a real double-edged sword. On one hand, it’s used to demonstrate that you value someone’s opinion or position. On the other, it’s often followed by a statement that contradicts or challenges that very position.

The problem with “with all due respect” is that it can come across as insincere. It’s as if you’re making a show of respect, only to then negate it with your following comment.

I believe that genuine respect doesn’t need a verbal disclaimer. If you truly respect someone and disagree with them, a straightforward, respectful conversation can often be more meaningful and productive.

It’s not just the words we use, but how we use them that truly conveys our feelings and intentions.

7) “You’ve put on weight”

This phrase, even when delivered with a smile, can be quite hurtful. It’s a direct comment on someone’s physical appearance, and it can easily be taken as an insult.

A few years back, I ran into an old friend who greeted me with, “Wow, you’ve put on weight!” I remember feeling taken aback and self-conscious, even though they had said it cheerfully, as if it were a good thing.

Comments about someone’s weight can be sensitive and personal. They can trigger insecurities and have a lasting impact on someone’s self-esteem.

My advice? Unless someone explicitly talks to you about their weight, it’s best to steer clear of comments about their body. Instead, focus on their accomplishments or positive traits. It’s a kinder and more uplifting approach.

8) “I was just joking”

Humor is a great tool for building rapport and easing tension. But sometimes, what’s intended as a joke can come off as hurtful or rude.

When a joke lands poorly and the speaker follows up with, “I was just joking”, it can feel dismissive. It as if they’re trying to brush off the impact of their words rather than taking responsibility for them.

The truth is, humor is subjective. What’s funny to one person might be offensive to another. And if someone has been hurt by your joke, saying you were just joking isn’t going to erase that.

Before making a joke at someone else’s expense, consider whether it’s worth the risk. And if someone tells you they’re hurt by your joke, listen to their feelings and apologize. It’s better to be kind than to be funny.

9) “It’s not you, it’s me”

This phrase has become a cliché in breakups, often used to soften the blow of ending a relationship. But ironically, it can feel quite insincere.

When someone says, “It’s not you, it’s me”, they’re essentially taking all the blame for the end of the relationship. While this may seem like a kind gesture, it can also feel like they’re avoiding a genuine conversation about what went wrong.

Honesty, even when it’s hard, is often more respectful than sugar-coating the truth. A sincere conversation about why things aren’t working out can be more beneficial for both parties in the long run.

Honesty wrapped in kindness is better than a well-intentioned lie.

10) “You’re too sensitive”

This phrase can be particularly damaging. It invalidates the person’s feelings and makes them feel guilty for expressing their emotions.

Telling someone they’re too sensitive is like saying their feelings don’t matter. It’s dismissive and can make the person feel misunderstood or judged.

Each of us is entitled to our feelings. They are a part of who we are. So, instead of labeling someone as too sensitive, try understanding their perspective and validating their feelings.

After all, empathy and understanding are the cornerstones of all healthy interactions.

Final Thoughts

Language is a powerful tool, and it mirrors the complexities of human interaction. The words we choose to use can either build bridges or create divides.

The phrases we’ve discussed may seem polite on the surface, but they can carry hidden undertones of rudeness or insensitivity. The key is to be mindful of not just what we say, but how we say it.

Consider the potential impact of your words before you speak. Ask yourself if your comment is necessary, kind, and respectful. Sometimes, the most polite thing you can do is to simply listen and validate others’ feelings without offering unsolicited advice or judgement.

In the words of the late Maya Angelou, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

So let’s strive to make our interactions more genuine, empathetic, and respectful. After all, that’s the true essence of politeness.